Am I as a grandmother being unreasonable?

[TheOpenBee]

Please excuse this wall of text...

I'm looking for some advice on what to do with our current situation.
I have a daughter 27 who has a 3 year old son. My daughter works 3 days a week and up until December last year we looked after our grandson while she was at work on those 3 days.

Last December she split up with my grandsons father and he moved away. My daughter started bringing our grandson to us every single day, on days she wasn't working she'd be dropping him off and going home to bed saying she was tired because my grandson wasn't sleeping well without his father's presence and she'd been having a hard time at work. We accepted this for a few weeks but then it started to get silly.

My daughter works a 15 minute drive from our home. She'd finish work at 5 and instead of coming to pick her son up at 5.30 ish like normal she'd start turning up at 7 with no explanation as to where she had been.

He'd be served his evening meal at 5.30 and start getting excited that mummy would be back soon then he'd wait and wait for her as she gets later and later arriving. It breaks my heart when he keeps asking for reassurance that mummy is coming back.

When she is at our home with her son she sits on her phone ignoring him. He has to ask her for affection or to be involved in something he is doing. One example was last weekend my daughter and grandson were at my home, my grandson got a sandpit for his birthday and was stupidly excited when we said he could play in it. He went around everyone in the room asking them to put their shoes on and come and see his new toy. His mum for a change actually did what he asked and came outside, you could see his eyes light up when he saw her coming outside. She stayed maybe 5 minutes then decided whoever she was texting on the phone was more interesting and went back inside. My grandson looked at his grandad and said "she's not coming back is she" got really sad, asked for a hug then decided he didn't want to play with sand anymore and asked to go back inside himself.

My grandson is without doubt missing his mummy, he sees her for less than an hour in the morning and as his bedtime is technically 7 a lot of nights she takes him straight home to bed.

On the rare occasion she's paying him enough attention and actually praises him he gets emotional and immediately starts to cry. He craves her attention so much that when he gets it he doesn't know what to do.

Now we move on to a few weeks later and grandson has still been at our house all-day 6 days a week (his daddy has him on a Sunday) the only difference is my daughter on the 3 days she's not been working has been coming up to our house with him. She will sit on her phone texting her new boyfriend all day while we look after the child.

We talked to my daughter mentioning that we were unhappy with the current situation and our grandson can't be with us all the time and needed some 'just mummy' time. She got really defensive saying we just didn't want her to have a life and stormed out.
The next week she actually spent a whole day with him taking him to a local activity centre and baking cupcakes with him which he loves to do. My grandson came to us the next day happy and super chatty telling us all the things he'd done with mummy. We hoped that things were getting a tiny bit better and the next week she spent a whole day with him too.

Now to today my daughter turned up at our house saying my grandson was obviously too much of a problem for us to keep looking after so she'd enrolled him in a local nursery from 8am to 6pm all 5 days a week.
This is not what we wanted at all. While we agree nursery would be a good thing for him 50 hours a week seems like torture for a child who is already worried that he's been left when his parents are out of sight for only a short while. We were and still are always happy to have him while my daughter works. He's going from missing his daddy, to missing his mummy (even when she is physically with him) to having his grandparents taken away too and it's breaking my heart. All we wanted was for her to spend some time with him and instead she's decided to send him away from all of us.

What can I do? Am I being unreasonable asking her to actually participate in her child's life more?

Good to read that no everyone is making excuses for the selfish, useless daughter.

I don't get this at all. It'll only be hard for the little boy, not the mum. My parents clearly resented our clinginess and had the time of their life working and socialising when I was little. It was only terrible for me, not them.

So having given so much time to her grandchild whose 'mother' couldn't care less about him the OP is being told to give even more, to 'eat humble pie' to further appease her daughter!

Uutterly useless perspective though. Shame her, whip her, flagellate her, imprison her... And then what? She's not going to magically love her son. It's better to at least offer her faux sympathy to build bridges between her and her son.

Trust me, I believe some people shouldn't have children (and could even elaborate on this with unsavoury policy views), but now that the son HAS been birthed, I am really not sure what good condemning her does except give you satisfaction that would be useless for the boy and the grandma. It's all about your ego rather than the boy.

Yes I think a good idea for grandma to eat humble pie no matter how hard it is.

That poor child.

I'm sorry your daughter is too caught up in herself to see how much she's hurting her own child. She's prioritising getting a new man over her child, hence the focus on her phone and texting with him.

That's awful OP, your heart must be in your boots. Your daughter has behaved appallingly.

What is your relationship like with the father? Can you discuss matters with him at all?

This is going to go badly wrong for your daughter, she will soon have a very difficult situation on her hands. Any problems the nursery staff raise she is going to have to deal with on her own, she will be getting home tired from work and have to deal with a very unhappy and cranky child - which is not to say he won't be happy at nursery with other children, but he's going to be exhausted at the end of the day. She will be listening to many questions from him about when he can see his lovely GPs again too.

My bet is that she will be crawling back to you for help in a very short while, hold your nerve!

100% agree. True depression would leave a person unable to cope with a new relationship.

Why isn’t the father doing his fair share of parenting this little boy?

What a selfish young woman.
She is trying to blackmail you.

Let him go to nursery as he will have children to play with.

Do not be blackmailed by her, because that is clearly what she is doing.

I would be truly devastated that she has shown herself to be so uncaring towards her child.

If you stop her you could well end up rearing your grandchild for the next 15 years.
Is that what you want.

I would be having a very firm conversation with her that you will not be blackmailed.

She sounds lazy snd selfish.

That sounds so difficult for you. I feel for you.

she’s being petulant in the moment, but hopefully she does love her son and this is just a phase. It will be damaging for your son if she doesn’t change so anything you can do slowly to help is worth it for his sake.

i’d suggest that you go with her decision on nursery and say you understand that it takes the pressure off her knowing she always has an option, knowing that the safety net is there. (Maybe she is stressed about that). But could you offer to take him from nursery early home for three afternoons a week and say you’d still love to see him. You would have to say fine to keep him till 6 though (since you would only be doing half a day not such a big deal for you?)….

…reading between the lines if you are regularly complaining that she’s not there by 5.30 and it is a physical impossibility for her to finish work in time and travel to you for that (without causing her major stress) then you might have forced her hand to take the nursery option.

Her ignoring him is terrible. I couldn’t wait to spend time with my kids when I got home from work. Nursery is not a problem for a 3yo if they feel loved and secure and wanted when they are home. How you fix that I don’t know. Try to get closer to your daughter and understand her life at the moment maybe?

sorry to ask a rude question - I might be way off here, but you don’t seem to like your own child - a difficult q, but has she learnt this behaviour from you?

Respectfully, I think that your post is a bit one-sided and that you aren’t being very supportive here.

Your daughter is the parent who stayed. She has her son 7 nights a week, every week, whilst her ex has him for one day. But your criticism is all for her and none for him. She’s explained to you that your grandson is missing his dad and isn’t sleeping- that’s hugely common after a split - and your daughter is managing all of that.

Your daughter can’t raise a child on 3-days-a-week work : financially that’s not possible. I think that it’s highly likely that she is either working as many extra hours as she possibly can to keep her son in his home or desperately looking for a full time job or trying to move. Or possibly all three. Not many single parents can afford childcare for chill days so I highly doubt that she’s sitting around 2 days a week whilst paying for nursery.

You only see a snapshot of her time with him, and she probably really enjoys a break from being the parent who is always on when she is with you. That’s why she’s not focused on him - she’s focused the rest of the time. The parent who isn’t focused on your grandson at all is his father who has left and isn’t spending more than a day a week with him.

You can, of course, quite rightly set boundaries about your own time and how much practical help you’re able to offer. 6 days a week is too much, and it’s very reasonable to say that and to reduce down your own time.

But, like your daughter, I would be uncomfortable with my child spending so much time with someone who was so heavily critical of me and who had completely failed to recognise the impact of the child’s dads behaviour on both myself and my son.

I think you accept she made the choice to enrol him into nursery and stay out of it

Do you think she could be calling your bluff? I'm not sure that nurseries often have free full time spaces? How is she planning to pay for top ups / wrap around(if the 30 free hours applies to term time

excuses, excuses.

The fact is op's daughter is neglecting her child during her assigned parenting time. We have no idea why this poor boy has only one day with his dad. His mother is responsible for him when it's her assigned parenting time and she neglect him on all levels.

His mum is damaging him for life and he will never get over the trauma. He needs her, she does not need to have a boyfriend or be alone after work. If she is clinically depressed she needs her gp and medication. The thing is when you have children it's not a choice to look after them, it's a duty and a privilege.

Of course you look after your children - as you say that’s a duty and a privilege. Interesting that you recognise that for the mother but not the father who is also a parent.

The dad in this situation is doing none of that - he has abandoned his child all bar one day a week. I agree that the mum isn’t doing a good job of stepping up. But she is there. She is the one who has stayed.

Realistically, as a single parent, unless you want to raise your child on benefits, you also need to work. I would not use someone for childcare, even my own parents, who were so critical of me in this situation but couldn’t recognise that the dads behaviour was at fault. I too would book full time childcare instead.

It sounds like all throughout her daughter assigned parenting time she wasn't there for her ds, for all we know his father looked after him on his day. OP doesn't really mention the dad as she won't have much influence ver what her ex son in law does or doesn't do. There is no way this hapless mother can afford 5 days nursery unless she's a high flying professional in the city so she is clear not just neglectful but a lier too. Maybe she is getting her new boyfriend to look after her son. poor child. I have not much sympathy for his mother who at least has super supportive parents.

I would not say anything for the moment. She has thrown her toys out the pram and will possibly change her mind again and realise that she needs you. She might not be able to afford the nursery

You need a sensible conversation with her, to get her to accept her parenting responsibilities. She can't dump her child on you 7 days a week just to see her new boyfriend. His father has already walked away and he needs his mum.

She sounds very selfish and has now cut her nose off to spite her face. If she is dating again already then she can't be heartbroken over the breakup.

She also sounds very childish, if she is on her phone all the time like a teenager. She needs to put her phone down and be with her child.

If she comes around to a discussion, then confirm you will have him 3 days a week, will give him tea and she will pick him up at 5.30pm. Stress that this is for his benefit not yours. You can babysit the occasional weekend but not all the time.

That's my interpretation, too. She's essentially spat her dummy out - you're not doing exactly what she wants so she's punishing you by removing your GS from your care.

Only you know her well enough to be able to have an educated guess whether it's because she's depressed, or whether she's always been a 'I'm going to do what i want to do and sod the rest of you' person.

I'd keep quiet, let it lie for a few days & see what occurs. I suspect she'll do a U turn on the full time nursery threat.

OP was routinely having her GC for 3 full days a week, and has had him 6 days a week for several weeks. I think she's been very supportive.
Many of us have had to navigate solo caring for children during difficult circumstances with no family help at all. OPs DD has the hump because OP won't unquestioningly comply with her wants.

Heartbroken for this little boy, I could hardly bear to read the OP. Glad he has you and your DH as such good grandparents.💐

That was in response to @Secretsquirels post

Just be very wary, OP, of offering to have your GS more often, because I suspect your DD is trying to set up a new relationship and might just 'need a holiday' and leave GS in your sole care for weeks at a time while she does so. I'm not condemning her totally, I was a single parent to five with no other parent or family help or involvement and I know how utterly destroying and exhausting this is. But she does need to grow up and see herself and her son as a unit, rather than try everything she can to get another man to complete her life. It might need a bit of growing up on her part.

So that the daughter feels vindicated for her horrific behaviour? Why should she be enabled?

I’ve been the depressed solo parent and it’s so hard and sometimes you just don’t want to parent and if it was just that then maybe I’d get it to a degree, but texting a new boyfriend and socialising with him? Bullshit.

If OP just bows down to this behaviour then it will never changes it tells the daughter that she is behaving just fine. If it were me, I would personally offer to have my grandson for the three or four days a week to give him that stability and care and it’s up to the mother what she does on the other days with nursery - whether those are days she works or not, that’s her business . But I would also be suggesting to my daughter that she needs to sort her shit out and step up when she IS with her child. He needs to be her focus. Yes the father also needs to step up more too, but that doesn’t give mum the excuse to simply check out On her son.

Many long paragraphs to say you put your ego ahead of the child's wellbeing