DH wfh issues as it's our home!

[Beautifulweeds]

Ok, so I know I am probably going to be shot down in flames but...

DH has a private solo office 2 miles away, all paid for, but prefers to wfh, which I understand for the comforts and being able to do house stuff.

On maternity leave I would have to make sure DC were quiet during his calls, while they were desperately trying to get in to see him, downstairs office. I went back to work FT, dropped DC off at nursery/ breakfast club and after school club, so extra long day for me, meanwhile DH had time to do a shop, put a wash on, all good 👍

Then I went PT as needs of DC became clear, so on my 2 days off (I also worked weekends when shifts were available) he was still in his office and I was home, either with or without DC. The office is downstairs next to the front door so I was coming and going doing errands, also when he worked from kitchen, I felt restricted with noisy chores.

Aibu to think just f##k off to your office, get out of the house, let your company pay for a million cups of a day and heating, just the days I'm home even.

Sorry, I just get so annoyed he's just sat there at the computer, he works hard of course, but does get a lot of free time as well. When I'm out at work, it's great he can do school runs etc but when I'm home it would be sooooo nice to have a bit of me time, do the chores, come in and out as I need to. My job is full on, demanding, so some respite would be lovely before I do my weekend job.

I know I'm probably being unreasonable and selfish, I do have my own mental issues which require space, being on my own to decompress.

On the other hand, he knows this, yet still chooses to wfh just because it's easier, but I can't have an easier work day.

Thanks for reading, felt good to vent, sorry!!! Xxx

I'm not sure why there's even a problem if their friend uses the WiFi???

Deliberately overheating the circuits and risking a fire overloading the circuits is just insane. The only thing that should be capable of doing that is multiple electric heaters all running at the same time. Standard appliances just don't pull enough power to overload 32amp circuits.

It sounds like @Muffinmam already has dodgy/dangerous wiring and is then fucking around playing stupid games with it at nighttime.

If he’s self employed can he give up the office and build a home office in the garden? Then you both have your space but he’s around to do chores too?

There are men who don't even have their own front door keys let alone permission to wfh

I've WFH since 2009. Doing work at home has been common practice for over a decade. Depending on your job, for decades before that as well. It's not "widely accepted" at all.

Just go about your normal business and activities.

Well I would be as disruptive as possible tbh and if he complains say
"oh, I just thought you'd go to the office if you needed quiet!"

Sweet lord - i work from home 4 days a week. All be it my office is a 2 hour sometimes more drive away. We live on a farm as well as my husband is self employed. So there is noise, maybe different from office. I wouldn't expect my husband to stop doing anything at all during the day. My office is beside the kitchen too, but i have a door that closes as well as i have headphones. If noise is really excessive then its annoying however its rare. My cleaner here at the mo, i can hear the hoovering but i get on with it. Life cant stop at home either because your working

Are there???

I have WFH for over 10 years. Look at the words - work from HOME.
When looking for a new home people don't think "ah, a place where I will work in quiet and have the right to impose other people in the family don't run the hoover round, do the laundry, watch telly, play music, talk, entertain guests"

They often look if the house will have a room where an office can be set up so they can work w/o being disturbed.

I stand by the definition of home being where a family live and get on with their day to day lives (noise and all).

A house is a home. You shouldn’t have to be creeping around and walking on eggs shells especially with children. If your DH is ok with that, great.

If the noise is an issue for him then he can go and work in the work space offered to him else where.

You shouldn’t have to be conscious of your movements and noise levels in your own home like it’s a professional work space.

Well he is clearly a selfish prick. No way would I have been trying to keep the kids quiet for him.

I just get so annoyed he's just sat there at the computer, he works hard of course, but does get a lot of free time as well. When I'm out at work, it's great he can do school runs etc but when I'm home it would be sooooo nice to have a bit of me time, do the chores, come in and out as I need to. My job is full on, demanding, so some respite would be lovely before I do my weekend job.

There are advantages to him WFH, he can pick up the children from school and you say he does things like put a wash on and go to the shop. If he goes back to the office he won't be able to do things like that and that means one or both of you are going to have to fit in those things after the working day if he goes back to the office and you'll have to make other arrangements for the school run.

Just go about your day as if he isn't there. He's in a separate room so it's not like he's in the living room and you're having to tiptoe around him there. I don't understand what the issue is. Has he complained about you doing chores and coming and going?
Just do what you want, when you want as if he isn't there. (Obviously don't blast out very loud music all day but apart from that I don't see why any of the rest of it is a problem).

What would happen if you just crack on with the noisy chores and let the dc make a normal amount of noise?

Surely he can sort out sound proofing, or a pair of AirPods for himself?

It’s reasonable to facilitate the working parent but they shouldn’t lose sight of what they’re working for either.

He's being unreasonable if he's expecting you to keep your children quiet or tiptoe around on the days you're at home. He is the one who has an alternative option. It seems quite obvious that the best solution is for him to work from his office a couple of days a week.

I think it's fine if he's stopping you from generally living your life to ask him to go to the office.

If it's not actually bothering him, and you're just being quiet and putting things off on the expectation he's going to ask you to be quiet, then stop doing that.

As an e.g., I work from home three days a week and on one of those my husband is also home. He can hoover everywhere with no issue as I have a headset that blocks out background noise, so I'd never tell him not to do so. I'd rather he used his words and told me he was bothered by me being there than quietly seethe as he adjusts what he thinks he can do while at home!

I would simply sit him down and say that half term and the school holidays are coming and the current arrangement isn't working for you, that you feel on edge constantly trying to keep noise down when the kids are about and in the nicest possible way, you haven't had the house to yourself in literally years so the odd day by yourself would be lovely. It's not personal, it's just nice to have the opportunity to be absolutely solitary and recharge your social batteries.

Frankly from a career perspective, unless the office is entirely solo with no colleagues at all, showing his face regularly would be sensible.

It's your home ,not an office carry on as normal doing what you would normally do .
Don't keep the kids quiet
Make normal noise , pretend like he's not there
If he doesn't like it he has an office paid for

He's got a home office and an office-office, yet he works in the kitchen when you are at home, trying to just live in your house? That would be a no from me.

You're not unreasonable at all OP. My DH is exactly the same and I get it, I do, but our DD doesn't go to nursery on Mondays and I was really clear with him that on Monday he needs to either not be here or accept that she will be pottering in and out to see him and making noise. I wasn't going to fight a battle with her every week just so he could WFH.

Hi! So sorry you’re going through this- and there seems to be a mixture of responses too. You sound like someone who puts up with a lot of stuff but honestly from the advice I’ve gotten on here, if you’re not going to stand up for yourself then no one else will. Best bet is wait until you’re both calm and in good moods- maybe over a quiet dinner while DC is asleep- and then explain that you obviously love having him home with all the extra support but you’re struggling to keep noise levels down and don’t want him disturbed- is there any chance he can work from the office on 1 or 2 set days during the week?
Trust me, I need my space sometimes too and it’s infuriating when others don’t understand but the situation won’t get any better until you communicate- fingers crossed he’s understanding and agrees! Good luck! X

I will have to be more like this!

It's more a storage place but is set up as an office, he gets paid the same no matter where he works. Xx

Yeah, the way I've handled it is by being irritable and getting annoyed, which gets his back up more. Xx

Ideally yes but says not enough space in bedroom. Plus it's easier for his million cups of tea and doing DIY!

He needs to remember that he is working from home not his family living at the office