DH wfh issues as it's our home!

[Beautifulweeds]

Ok, so I know I am probably going to be shot down in flames but...

DH has a private solo office 2 miles away, all paid for, but prefers to wfh, which I understand for the comforts and being able to do house stuff.

On maternity leave I would have to make sure DC were quiet during his calls, while they were desperately trying to get in to see him, downstairs office. I went back to work FT, dropped DC off at nursery/ breakfast club and after school club, so extra long day for me, meanwhile DH had time to do a shop, put a wash on, all good 👍

Then I went PT as needs of DC became clear, so on my 2 days off (I also worked weekends when shifts were available) he was still in his office and I was home, either with or without DC. The office is downstairs next to the front door so I was coming and going doing errands, also when he worked from kitchen, I felt restricted with noisy chores.

Aibu to think just f##k off to your office, get out of the house, let your company pay for a million cups of a day and heating, just the days I'm home even.

Sorry, I just get so annoyed he's just sat there at the computer, he works hard of course, but does get a lot of free time as well. When I'm out at work, it's great he can do school runs etc but when I'm home it would be sooooo nice to have a bit of me time, do the chores, come in and out as I need to. My job is full on, demanding, so some respite would be lovely before I do my weekend job.

I know I'm probably being unreasonable and selfish, I do have my own mental issues which require space, being on my own to decompress.

On the other hand, he knows this, yet still chooses to wfh just because it's easier, but I can't have an easier work day.

Thanks for reading, felt good to vent, sorry!!! Xxx

Talk to him point out that you can’t keep the kids quiet etc and a compromise needs to be made - everyone else can’t sacrifice just for his easy life

I think you should just carry on doing what you would normally do regardless. He has a choice and another office to work in. You only have one house.

I don’t understand why you are all tiptoeing around him?

Just be your noisy usual selves and if he dares complain, he knows where his office is.

Being retired is a completely different kettle of fish! We’ve both been at home for about 14yrs now (DH took early retirement and I was a SAHM).

If my DH suggested I had to be quiet for X hours a day so he could work, he’d be given short shrift!

The home is OP’s sanctuary too and her DH needs to understand that.

A sensible compromise is for the DH to go to work in his office on the days that she’s at home and he can wfh on the days she’s out at work.

So while he’s working FT, WFH and not having a commute (even a short one eats into your day) means he can do school runs, the shopping, washing etc? So he does a fair share of household duties and presumably childcare when you’re out at work on weekends? He’s got a dedicated office space in your house and he’s not explicitly told you to be quiet or not do eg the hoovering?

Don't play stupid games with the wifi and letting the DC in his office. Do get on with your tasks as you need to. Have you actually tried to suggest he spend a day in the office?

On the whole though - YABU.

DH works from home full time for the last 13 years. But - he has an office up in the loft and there is no normal foot traffic around him.
DD's room is next to him and it always worked, she moved up when she was 5 and is now 17 so even on school holidays it works. She knows that she isn't to go into his office.

On my day off I run around the house, do chores, do laundry, get deliveries and create normal noise.

If he is on calls he he just closes his door.

yeah if he has somewhere else to go i wouldn’t be tip toeing around. He can work hybrid and in the office on the days you are home. Normally family and household noises can’t be stopped constantly like that it’s ridiculous.

Yes! Get that hoover out. He doesn't get to control.your day if he doesn't need to.

Harder to say "i just don't want you here" I suppose, but I 100% sympathise.

Start doing all the noisy chores and he'll soon be back to the office.

Cutting the WiFi when her DH whose income they rely on is working rather than the OP having an adult conversation with her DH? That sounds rather petulant and attention-seeking, not to mention controlling, don't do this OP.

Haven't rtft but I totally get it OP. DH is almost full time WFH since the pandemic. I miss my time alone. We bought the house as a home not a workspace. He's up down the stairs frequently it does get on my nerves!

Has he complained about the noise etc of you and the kids going about your day? If he's not bothered by it then it shouldn't bother you. If he is bothered about it then yes, if he has an office elsewhere that costs him nothing to use and is only two miles away then he should use that rather than try to turn the family home into a professional environment.

His office is 2 miles away. He should go there at least 4 days a week. However I set up on my own in the 90s from home (home except when out at meetings) so have seen both sides of this. Our children were in full time school by then and our previous house had a separate side door with the office in it like an annex. This house has the office on ground floor but I can shut and lock my door so have been able to keep away from the children pretty well.

Now I am older our 2 last children both qualified as solicitors last year and they live here with me. I prefer it when they are out working in the office in London but I do understand how working from home is nicer too - one currently goes in 4 days a week and the other about 3 (although it has varied over time and sometimes like this week one is home every day). As we are all working it is not a problem.

Can’t believe how many posts I’m seeing where people are kicking their DHs out of their own homes so they can have the house to themselves lol. Imagine a DH telling DW on your days off you need to go out so I can have peace and quiet

I get the lack of me time. When I retired I got fed up with DH under my feet in the winter. I like peace and quiet. When he gets back from his trips out it's what have you done while I've been gone meaning chores. It grinds my gears. He hates the hoover so I do that while he's out when I'd rather be reading a book 😁.

Stand your ground carry on as normal. His office is two miles away, he could do half days in the office as a compromise.

YANBU at all. DH and I work out days WFH around each other so that both of us get at least one day at home alone each week. It's just so nice to get the place to yourself and if you have a DC and need to hoover and be in and out all day running errands the last thing you want is have to Shh and tiptoe around. Your DH is being a selfish arse.

OP you don’t work part time- it’s FT when you’ve taken a reduction in hours to look after DC. Once you add up how many hours you work, look after DC and do anything house or family related, you’ll see you’re probably doing more hours than him.

Have you actually talked to him about this?

This is...just extraordinary.

You didn't want your friend using your wifi all night but instead of talking to them about it, you would deliberately blow your own electric circuit by turning on appliances. Not even, you know, just turn the wifi off, but blow the circuit by turning things on.

And you recommend this as an example of how to handle situations.

Same! There is not a chance in hell I'd tolerate a controlling partner who thought they were entitled to tell me whether I could be in my own home or not. I don't fucking think so.

The problem would arise if he expects OP not to use the home as she wishes when he's working there, and we need her to come back and clarify that.

The thing about working from home is that it is your home - you haven’t moved into his office. Make noise if you need to.

There are an alarming number of posters who haven't realised their home also belongs to their husband and he can use it for whatever purpose he sees fit, including work, whenever he sees fit. They don't get to decide "it's a home, not an office".

Depends what his work is. Both DH and I work almost entirely from home. We work in separate rooms. There's no need for either of us to be quiet. We can vacuum, listen to music, etc.. We will try to be a bit less noisy if the other is in an important Teams call. If DD is home she knows to go to the other parent if she has been told one is in a meeting, but that only happens in an emergency anyway.

Unless he's on a series of professional calls from morning to night, I'd stop worrying about it and live your life.

OP says "he knows this, yet still chooses to wfh"

I think it's widely accepted that a home is a home, NOT an office.
If the family home is to become a quiet office environment (ie an office) then a serious discussion needs to happen.

OP's DH has the option of going somewhere else to work quietly, where do you suggest OP goes to enjoy being at home?