DH wfh issues as it's our home!

[Beautifulweeds]

Ok, so I know I am probably going to be shot down in flames but...

DH has a private solo office 2 miles away, all paid for, but prefers to wfh, which I understand for the comforts and being able to do house stuff.

On maternity leave I would have to make sure DC were quiet during his calls, while they were desperately trying to get in to see him, downstairs office. I went back to work FT, dropped DC off at nursery/ breakfast club and after school club, so extra long day for me, meanwhile DH had time to do a shop, put a wash on, all good 👍

Then I went PT as needs of DC became clear, so on my 2 days off (I also worked weekends when shifts were available) he was still in his office and I was home, either with or without DC. The office is downstairs next to the front door so I was coming and going doing errands, also when he worked from kitchen, I felt restricted with noisy chores.

Aibu to think just f##k off to your office, get out of the house, let your company pay for a million cups of a day and heating, just the days I'm home even.

Sorry, I just get so annoyed he's just sat there at the computer, he works hard of course, but does get a lot of free time as well. When I'm out at work, it's great he can do school runs etc but when I'm home it would be sooooo nice to have a bit of me time, do the chores, come in and out as I need to. My job is full on, demanding, so some respite would be lovely before I do my weekend job.

I know I'm probably being unreasonable and selfish, I do have my own mental issues which require space, being on my own to decompress.

On the other hand, he knows this, yet still chooses to wfh just because it's easier, but I can't have an easier work day.

Thanks for reading, felt good to vent, sorry!!! Xxx

I'd be making it clear that you're ok with him wfh on your non-work days, but you will not be silent in your own home (and reiterate it's foremost a home, not an office). If he's unhappy with the noise from everyday tasks or some light music, whatever, then he's free to work from the nearby office on those days for peace.

I think it’s fine that he chooses to work from home….up to the point where his work requires that your house ceases to function as a home (eg keeping the kids quiet and not putting the hoover on - that sort of thing). At that point, if it doesn’t suit his work, then I’d say he needs to accept that it is primarily a home and not an office and that he should go into the office when he requires that level of quiet.

Stop making it so easy and pleasant for him to wfh then.

Obviously don't be deliberately obnoxious about it, but start behaving as though he isn't there.

Go in and out, do the chores that need doing, whether noisy or not.

Make your own space, stop fading yourself into the background to fit his convenience. No wonder your mh is suffering if you constantly put even minor inconvenience to him ahead of what you need.

If he doesn't like it, tell him to use his office.

It is easier for your DH to be cocooned at home working than to travel 2 miles to his office to do the same work ???? He is being rather entitled over this IMO.
You need to have the conversation and suggest firmly that on the days you’re at home catching up on chores etc that he goes to the office. A 2 mile commute is nothing compared to what some people have to do for their work.

YANBU

its your home too, enjoy it. If he treats it as an office to pretend to clients he is in an office therefore no home sounds, that’s his problem and needs to work 2 mile away. Go ahead as if he is not there.

I WFH and wouldn't dream of expecting anyone to tiptoe around me. Background home/street noise is fine - it's never as bad or distracting as being in an open-plan office. And I'm the one playing loud music, it's a WFH perk. When DP is around the house and I'm working, it's not remotely bothersome to hear him going about his day.

Every so often there is something I need quiet for, like an extra important meeting, in which case I'll ask and he's happy to oblige. This will only be for an hour max and quite rare.

Given all that I'd be pretty put out if he said he wanted me out of the house just because he wanted "me time". I've read posts on here from women whose husbands haven't requested any sort of silence or tiptoeing, but just resent his mere presence. It's his house too, and he gets to use it however he feels.

The "trip the wifi! make life uncomfortable for him on purpose!" posts are batshit.

stop it with the being quiet

you have been too accommodating now he has created a “normal” that works for him but not for you or the kids

kids are allowed to play and be noisy at home, you are allowed to have music on etc rtc

he can go to the office if he wants silencd

i hate that my husband has been at home since the pandemic and we had to change the ground rules, and I hoover/listen to music/do the (noisy) DIY etc as if he is not there, he has At least moved out of the kitchen and into the study (DS1’s old bedroom) now

i think men do not understand that them being at home often created an additional burden for their partner (men can be unaware of how demanding they are)

Yanbu.
He sounds extremely selfish not to understand the above.
He adds huge stress to your day.
Stop it.
Up the noise and let the children in.

I would really live as if he wasn't there.
It would also make me rethink about him.
Such blatant selfishness is so unattractive.

Could you not kindly say that it's great he can WFH however it is your home too and on the days you're off if chores are needed then you need to be allowed to get on with them. It might be better for him not to WFH those days. I don't see why you should tiptoe around when he's got an alternative.

Oh I totally get this. I get so irritated when Dh retires to his office and can hear the chaos going on but won’t do anything to help because ‘he’s working’ when in fact there is an awful lot of YouTube scrolling going on from what I can make out.

I wouldn’t go to any lengths to be quiet if he’s choosing to work from home. If you need to hoover then hoover. If he complains then tell him it needs to be done and remind him he has another option if needed.

It’s worrying for me that you think you are being selfish.

just - how?!?

youve tip toed around him for years, whilst he has an entirely available alter option, and you’re worried YOURE being selfish?!?

Beyond absurd.

what other things I wonder go on in your house/relationship

Of course it would be opposite response, he would be an inconsiderate arsehole who is abusive & controlling. Majority of women on MN detest men & revell in encouraging other women to behave in a way that would be considered abusive if a man was doing it. I honestly think some of the women on here must be so miserable & no wonder they are single if that’s how they treat people

And if a man did this to a woman working from home?! C’mon. This is one of those silly glib responses where absolutely no way would you yourself actually do this.

Even though you are not being paid by an external employer on those days, you are still working; you are bringing up your AND DH’s children. If he doesn’t like the work environment he has an alternative location to go to.

@Beautifulweeds offcie on your days at home. Don’t start the convo with that though. Make that your point of compromise .
Tell him you need to chat on what works best for both of you (the family) .

I used to have this argument with my husband too when he wanted us to be quiet, meanwhile we were to pretend he wasn't there. How does that work, if you weren't there we would be making noise?

My line was always that you are working in our home, we are not living in your office!

2 miles away?! Oh boo hoo him! That’s nothing, tell him to get on his bike - literally - it will be good for him!

Tell him you’ll be cracking on as normal on your home days and he can go to the office if he doesn’t like it.

Not particularly helpful to your situation but pre-Covid I always thought a downstairs office would be part of a perfect house layout. My neighbour has this. I now realise upstairs is better; away from the worst of kids/family noise (for me) and away from the front door. I get my headphones on and, for me, i am bomb proof. My neighbour is clearly visible to anyone knocking! Awkward. I’d think I’d need to block the window.

It’s compromise and he should be out at the office when your home to let you get on as you do him. It’s a home first and foremost.

I work from home while my DH has our kids some days. I get it but my office is a lot further away (think 10 miles at least)

My desk is in our bedroom where I can put on noise cancelling headphones and shut the door. It’s a non issue if they want to scream, shout, hoover, whatever. Why is he being awkward and plonking himself where it is noisy?

Did you see the bit where OP said she has two days off per week as she also does weekend shifts wherever possible? It also sounds as if her child has additional needs. I don't somehow think she's working part time.

Is your husband paying for the office two miles away? If so, it sounds like a waste of money. Would it be possible to set up an office away from the family - e.g. in a garden or attic - instead?

He is being unreasonable, especially when he expected you to keep the kids quiet for his work calls. But you are facilitating this by complying with his ‘office quiet’ requirements. Tell him you will no longer do this as he has an office for office quiet.

He's a dick. I WFH a lot of the time but I never expect my family to tiptoe around me because I've chosen to work in their space instead of at my workplace. You should take precedence day to day and if he has a problem with it, he has somewhere else he can choose to go work at!