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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

His sister drives me mad!

148 replies

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:41

Will try & keep it brief but will be difficult as it’s my favourite topic to rant on!

My hubby seems to run round for his sister non stop. Often having to alter / delay our plans!

She is a single parent to 5 DC, she chose to keep having children with a man she no longer loved. I understand she wanted them but she also chose to leave him. This was all pre planned on her part.

The kids dad is a bit useless when it comes to their hobbies, if it’s his WE with them he won’t take them etc.

So, she enrolled them all in different clubs. Think one at hockey one at swimming for every Saturday morning AT THE SAME TIME!

This means my DH has to drive from ours to hers (a 60 min journey) to take 2 of them and she takes the other 3. It isn’t a one off or an emergency, it was a ‘I need you to take A & B every other Saturday please’. No is that ok? No if you don’t have plans etc. She knows he hates saying no to her & massively plays on this.

That’s my AIBU 1 - that is massively winds me up & that she’s a CF for just expecting it.

Secondly her eldest 2 (twins) are in their 1st year of high school. They don’t like walking home (approx 10 min walk). She can’t get out of work to collect them one day a week (the younger ones go to after school club) so MY DH has to go get them & drop them off at home.

Holidays, she wants lovely family holidays. Great, don’t we all! We have no young kids, we had ours v young so they are now adults. SIL is our age. I absolutely do not want to go to an all inclusive resort surrounded by kids & ultimately ending up looking after them / being stuck with them etc. She keeps asking DH saying how much the kids want him / us there, how they were so upset we didn’t go on the last one. It’s all a guilt trip. The youngest have started saying this too. I know it’s her telling them too.

Calling him for the smallest thing. Lawnmower won’t start, shelf needs putting up, car has flat tyre etc. this is several times a week.

Father’s Day is coming up. Last year we were away. The kids apparently were ‘heartbroken’ we didn’t call & see them as they had made him cards. He is their uncle, not their dad! They have a dad who they see!!!

I’m sick of arguing about it with DH.

He is adamant the kids ‘do his head in’ and he doesn’t want to spend extra time there but feels guilty when she needs help or asks for it.

I have told him I feel like the other woman in my own marriage. She clicks her fingers & he jumps!

There is so so much more. I’m waffling now.

Am I being unreasonable or does my hubby need to decide who he keeps happy, his wife or his sister!

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 14/05/2025 15:45

I think your husband can keep both of you happy, but he needs to encourage his sister to be more independent and not rely on him so much?? If she can't or won't he needs to step back

BernardButlersBra · 14/05/2025 15:47

It sounds like she thinks he's her husband! He demands sound very excessive. She needs to be more independent and the ex needs to parent his own children

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:48

shellyleppard · 14/05/2025 15:45

I think your husband can keep both of you happy, but he needs to encourage his sister to be more independent and not rely on him so much?? If she can't or won't he needs to step back

There is literally nobody else who can take them to their clubs.
My answer to this is then they don’t go, they aren’t your kids or responsibility

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 14/05/2025 15:49

He needs to learn to say no. In a nutshell.

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:50

pinkyredrose · 14/05/2025 15:49

He needs to learn to say no. In a nutshell.

I agree!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 14/05/2025 15:51

Can't they get a bus to club's or get a lift? No reason why they can't walk home from school.

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:51

BernardButlersBra · 14/05/2025 15:47

It sounds like she thinks he's her husband! He demands sound very excessive. She needs to be more independent and the ex needs to parent his own children

Exactly this! Honestly that’s how it feels!

OP posts:
OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:52

pinkyredrose · 14/05/2025 15:51

Can't they get a bus to club's or get a lift? No reason why they can't walk home from school.

I’ve said this, get a lift with other parents who she knows whose kids are at the clubs! Apparently they can’t!
They don’t like walking. That’s it! With ours it would have been tough!

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 14/05/2025 15:54

OP, I guess he would rather upset you than say no to her? A common theme, sadly

Terrribletwos · 14/05/2025 15:54

I don't understand why your husband has to take his sister's kid's anywhere?

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:55

Springtime43 · 14/05/2025 15:54

OP, I guess he would rather upset you than say no to her? A common theme, sadly

It really does appear to be the case!

OP posts:
OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:55

Terrribletwos · 14/05/2025 15:54

I don't understand why your husband has to take his sister's kid's anywhere?

Neither do I

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 14/05/2025 15:55

She can’t get out of work to collect them one day a week (the younger ones go to after school club) so MY DH has to go get them & drop them off at home.

He doesn't have to, he chooses to.

He needs to learn that he's in control of his own actions. They're taking the piss out of him. Ask him why he's prioritising her family instead of his own. They keep asking because he keeps saying yes.

If he's too soft to say no then just pretend the car's out of action for a few weeks. If she's stuck putting a shelf up etc tell her there's plenty of video's on YouTube that will help her.

I can't stand pisstakers.

Thedogsearsarewetxxx · 14/05/2025 15:56

This is a difficult situation for your dh op and I would try not to make it more difficult for him.
I understand that it was your sil’s choice to have so many dc, and to leave her unhelpful husband, but once the dc are here and until the dh steps up, your sil is in a bit of a tight spot.

I understand your pov, especially about the holidays and Saturdays, but your bloke is a good man ultimately and I think you will catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Support him to make firmer boundaries. Come to a compromise about how many days a week he will be helping his sister out, and when you will have your exclusive time with him. Try and help him work towards urging his sister to not rely on him quite so much or at least engage the kids father more. The two high school children will probably be comfortable enough to walk home by themselves next year, it will be good for them, so he only has a month or so to go with that.

Good luck! I hope you can come to some compromises together 💐

Terrribletwos · 14/05/2025 15:58

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:55

Neither do I

So why does he do it? Why doesn't he refuse to do it?

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:00

Terrribletwos · 14/05/2025 15:58

So why does he do it? Why doesn't he refuse to do it?

Because he feels guilty, that he’s letting her down & how hard it is for her with 5 on her own.

Then I chirp up every single time - that is what she wanted!

OP posts:
OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:01

Thedogsearsarewetxxx · 14/05/2025 15:56

This is a difficult situation for your dh op and I would try not to make it more difficult for him.
I understand that it was your sil’s choice to have so many dc, and to leave her unhelpful husband, but once the dc are here and until the dh steps up, your sil is in a bit of a tight spot.

I understand your pov, especially about the holidays and Saturdays, but your bloke is a good man ultimately and I think you will catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Support him to make firmer boundaries. Come to a compromise about how many days a week he will be helping his sister out, and when you will have your exclusive time with him. Try and help him work towards urging his sister to not rely on him quite so much or at least engage the kids father more. The two high school children will probably be comfortable enough to walk home by themselves next year, it will be good for them, so he only has a month or so to go with that.

Good luck! I hope you can come to some compromises together 💐

I shouldn’t need to support him to make me his priority or arrange exclusive time with my husband though.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 14/05/2025 16:01

Help your family out, fair enough, but not to the degree that he's doing. She's really taking advantage of someone who seems incapable of being firm.

Maybe just tell him that if it doesn't stop or reduce, you'll be thinking of going your own way 🤷🏼‍♀️

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:03

Itiswhysofew · 14/05/2025 16:01

Help your family out, fair enough, but not to the degree that he's doing. She's really taking advantage of someone who seems incapable of being firm.

Maybe just tell him that if it doesn't stop or reduce, you'll be thinking of going your own way 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh I have, several times!

to the tune of so you’d make me choose between you & my sister.

yes, yes I would because why shouldn’t I?

I’ve also repeatedly said every time he helps he is choosing keeping her happy over me

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 14/05/2025 16:11

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:03

Oh I have, several times!

to the tune of so you’d make me choose between you & my sister.

yes, yes I would because why shouldn’t I?

I’ve also repeatedly said every time he helps he is choosing keeping her happy over me

So, how can you leave him? How do you think you can leave him? How can this forum help you leave him?

Brefugee · 14/05/2025 16:13

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:55

It really does appear to be the case!

so the only question is: how are you going to make him put you first?
And what you are going to do if he doesn't?

how old are your kids?

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:14

Terrribletwos · 14/05/2025 16:11

So, how can you leave him? How do you think you can leave him? How can this forum help you leave him?

It can’t really help, think I was more just ranting, seeing if others would be annoyed by it as me etc.

we have been together nearly 30 years (both mid 40’s) and he is absolutely amazing in every other way apart from this. We have an otherwise brilliant life together.

however, I can’t keep sacrificing my sanity over this.

I could leave at any time, our 3 DC’s are adults etc

OP posts:
OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:16

Brefugee · 14/05/2025 16:13

so the only question is: how are you going to make him put you first?
And what you are going to do if he doesn't?

how old are your kids?

Edited

Our 3 are all adults.

I can’t make him do anything. He either will or he won’t.

I think that as it’s not just me thinking this is unreasonable, it really is time for an ultimatum!

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 14/05/2025 16:16

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:03

Oh I have, several times!

to the tune of so you’d make me choose between you & my sister.

yes, yes I would because why shouldn’t I?

I’ve also repeatedly said every time he helps he is choosing keeping her happy over me

He's really lost all sense. No partner should be expected to accept that amount of devotion to a family member. It's really taking advantage of your good nature and he needs to get a grip.

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:17

Itiswhysofew · 14/05/2025 16:16

He's really lost all sense. No partner should be expected to accept that amount of devotion to a family member. It's really taking advantage of your good nature and he needs to get a grip.

His good nature, not mine 🤣

I would be quite comfortable just saying no sorry we are busy

OP posts:
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