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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

His sister drives me mad!

148 replies

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 15:41

Will try & keep it brief but will be difficult as it’s my favourite topic to rant on!

My hubby seems to run round for his sister non stop. Often having to alter / delay our plans!

She is a single parent to 5 DC, she chose to keep having children with a man she no longer loved. I understand she wanted them but she also chose to leave him. This was all pre planned on her part.

The kids dad is a bit useless when it comes to their hobbies, if it’s his WE with them he won’t take them etc.

So, she enrolled them all in different clubs. Think one at hockey one at swimming for every Saturday morning AT THE SAME TIME!

This means my DH has to drive from ours to hers (a 60 min journey) to take 2 of them and she takes the other 3. It isn’t a one off or an emergency, it was a ‘I need you to take A & B every other Saturday please’. No is that ok? No if you don’t have plans etc. She knows he hates saying no to her & massively plays on this.

That’s my AIBU 1 - that is massively winds me up & that she’s a CF for just expecting it.

Secondly her eldest 2 (twins) are in their 1st year of high school. They don’t like walking home (approx 10 min walk). She can’t get out of work to collect them one day a week (the younger ones go to after school club) so MY DH has to go get them & drop them off at home.

Holidays, she wants lovely family holidays. Great, don’t we all! We have no young kids, we had ours v young so they are now adults. SIL is our age. I absolutely do not want to go to an all inclusive resort surrounded by kids & ultimately ending up looking after them / being stuck with them etc. She keeps asking DH saying how much the kids want him / us there, how they were so upset we didn’t go on the last one. It’s all a guilt trip. The youngest have started saying this too. I know it’s her telling them too.

Calling him for the smallest thing. Lawnmower won’t start, shelf needs putting up, car has flat tyre etc. this is several times a week.

Father’s Day is coming up. Last year we were away. The kids apparently were ‘heartbroken’ we didn’t call & see them as they had made him cards. He is their uncle, not their dad! They have a dad who they see!!!

I’m sick of arguing about it with DH.

He is adamant the kids ‘do his head in’ and he doesn’t want to spend extra time there but feels guilty when she needs help or asks for it.

I have told him I feel like the other woman in my own marriage. She clicks her fingers & he jumps!

There is so so much more. I’m waffling now.

Am I being unreasonable or does my hubby need to decide who he keeps happy, his wife or his sister!

OP posts:
SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 14/05/2025 16:19

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:03

Oh I have, several times!

to the tune of so you’d make me choose between you & my sister.

yes, yes I would because why shouldn’t I?

I’ve also repeatedly said every time he helps he is choosing keeping her happy over me

He clearly isn't prepared to change, so what's your next move.

There is no way I would put up with this

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:20

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 14/05/2025 16:19

He clearly isn't prepared to change, so what's your next move.

There is no way I would put up with this

I think it really is the ultimate of me or playing uncle dad / brother husband to your sister and her family!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/05/2025 16:23

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:03

Oh I have, several times!

to the tune of so you’d make me choose between you & my sister.

yes, yes I would because why shouldn’t I?

I’ve also repeatedly said every time he helps he is choosing keeping her happy over me

But you're not following through?

So why should he stop?

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:24

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2025 16:23

But you're not following through?

So why should he stop?

This is why I’ve said it needs to be the final ultimatum.

It either stops or I will go

OP posts:
MotherofTeenGirl · 14/05/2025 16:25

The kids need to be given the responsibility and freedom to get themselves to their clubs and home again, they are not your husbands responsibility and it sounds as if his sister totally takes home for granted.

Hydenseek78 · 14/05/2025 16:27

I'm sorry you're going through this, him saying to you "Are you going to make me choose?" is moot as he's already chosen his sister over you multiple times. He's happy for you to be miserable to make her happy.
I would pack a bag and go to a spa/hotel this weekend, before leaving sit him down and explain calmly how you feel, how his actions are making you reassess your marriage and that you are no longer going to be 2nd place, that you're going to spend the weekend relaxing away from him and his sister to really think about what you want and sugest that he does the same, tell him its not a her or me situation, its a you at your breaking point situation and that you need space away from her never ending demands.

ExtraOnions · 14/05/2025 16:29

Why does it bother you ? Do you have other plans for that time, or do you disagree on moral grounds?

Wexone · 14/05/2025 16:29

You need to start making plans for yourself to be unavailable when he is available then, when he is at home you are not - start saying ah sure you have bring x y and z here and there i made plans myself. Same in evening time don't have dinner ready for him, eat on your own, show him this is what life is like when he doesn't prioritise you - start loving your life as a single person, say you have raised your kids and dont need to raise another persons basically so you going to start living your life now. Play hard ball

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:33

ExtraOnions · 14/05/2025 16:29

Why does it bother you ? Do you have other plans for that time, or do you disagree on moral grounds?

We have done our years of ferrying kids about etc. ours are grown up now. They aren’t our responsibility.

If I / we want to go away for a weekend at the last minute then we are in a position where we can. We shouldn’t have to think what if the kids need to go somewhere, or look for later flights because of them.

If we have no plans I don’t want the alarm going off at 7 on a Saturday morning for him to chauffeur them.

It also annoys me that she asks so much.

OP posts:
Richiewoo · 14/05/2025 16:34

Your husband need to grow a backbone.

ChaToilLeam · 14/05/2025 16:34

I presume you would rather stay with your husband! So don't make it easy for her to have him run around like this. Play hardball. Don't facilitate or accommodate her in any way. Have meals when you want them, trips when you want them, if he misses out because he is helping his sister so be it. Don't allow him to complain to you about it, just tell him there's an easy solution - say no. Go away with a friend and send lots of pictures of you having a great time. He has to see for himself just how ridiculous this is.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2025 16:34

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:24

This is why I’ve said it needs to be the final ultimatum.

It either stops or I will go

What are your options if it comes to that?

Away2000 · 14/05/2025 16:35

I’m willing to do a lot for nieces/nephews, but it seems ridiculous to drive for an hour to take 2 older kids home when it’s a 10 minute walk. Really seems like an odd dynamic and I would be getting husband to talk to sister and say her kids father is the one she should be phoning for help. The Father’s Day thing is especially strange… you have your own kids so why would they assume he’d spend time with them instead?

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:36

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2025 16:34

What are your options if it comes to that?

I’d go.

Im lucky that I’m in a position that I could

OP posts:
OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:39

Away2000 · 14/05/2025 16:35

I’m willing to do a lot for nieces/nephews, but it seems ridiculous to drive for an hour to take 2 older kids home when it’s a 10 minute walk. Really seems like an odd dynamic and I would be getting husband to talk to sister and say her kids father is the one she should be phoning for help. The Father’s Day thing is especially strange… you have your own kids so why would they assume he’d spend time with them instead?

Honestly it is really weird! He even agreed the Father’s Day thing was creepy!

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 14/05/2025 16:40

This means my DH has to drive from ours to hers (a 60 min journey) to take 2 of them and she takes the other 3.
He doesn't have to. He chooses to.
She needs to organise activities at times she can deal with.
The kids who don't like walking to school can suck it up or cycle.
Did he run round after his own kids like this?
When she asks he says 'no'. End of.

MilkAndFenty · 14/05/2025 16:40

Where was she when your kids were small? I’m not getting superaunt vibes when it was the other way around

Shatteredallthetimelately · 14/05/2025 16:44

This means my DH has to drive from ours to hers (a 60 min journey) to take 2 of them and she takes the other 3.

Your DH doesn't have to do this every week, or even at all...he's choosing to.

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:44

S0j0urn4r · 14/05/2025 16:40

This means my DH has to drive from ours to hers (a 60 min journey) to take 2 of them and she takes the other 3.
He doesn't have to. He chooses to.
She needs to organise activities at times she can deal with.
The kids who don't like walking to school can suck it up or cycle.
Did he run round after his own kids like this?
When she asks he says 'no'. End of.

Ours didn’t have this level of pandering too. The odd time if it was bad weather etc we might give a lift to school in the morning but they let’s walked / got the bus.

Their activities were split between us etc

He has always been a fab dad & is great at DIY / decorating etc and has always done his fair share in our home

OP posts:
Stevio · 14/05/2025 16:44

Your husband wants to do this
his sister doesn’t have him in a head lock

so ball in your court…. Given him an ultamatum or end it! I can’t see a middle ground

Stevio · 14/05/2025 16:45

Does he work OP?

Wexone · 14/05/2025 16:46

ExtraOnions · 14/05/2025 16:29

Why does it bother you ? Do you have other plans for that time, or do you disagree on moral grounds?

Why does it bother her ?? Really ? That she wants to spend time with her husband. What a really stupid question to ask

Stevio · 14/05/2025 16:46

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:39

Honestly it is really weird! He even agreed the Father’s Day thing was creepy!

He agreed to you OP

He says the kids are annoying to you OP

bit I reckon he doesn’t in the slightest bit think they’re annoying and he enjoys doing it

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:46

MilkAndFenty · 14/05/2025 16:40

Where was she when your kids were small? I’m not getting superaunt vibes when it was the other way around

Nowhere to be seen, but we were in our teens so it’s only right she was out living her life

But we’ve done our stint of running round after kids

OP posts:
Stevio · 14/05/2025 16:47

OutdoorQueen · 14/05/2025 16:46

Nowhere to be seen, but we were in our teens so it’s only right she was out living her life

But we’ve done our stint of running round after kids

You have

Your DH has not

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