Thank you all, again.
just to try & answer a few questions. No they haven’t always been close, SIL actually lived abroad for 5+ years & we rarely saw her.
when she moved back to the UK she was 5 hours away so still didn’t see much of her.
It was only when she had her twins that they moved back nearer to us.
still then it was only birthdays, christenings, Christmas etc.
He was (and still is) a brilliant dad to our DC. Always 50/50 with everything between us while they were growing up, with them & in the home.
Our DC are aware of how much she asks him to do stuff, not just the 2 main examples I gave but all the little jobs all the time. They are aware of it as 2 of them work with us & if DH doesn’t reply quickly she will call the office number asking for him / asking for messages to be passed on.
I know how he feels about doing it as not only have we been together for 30+ years - so I do know him VERY WELL, but if he’s driving & she texts he will ask me to reply if I’m in the car.
I can see what she’s asking & will type out his response. He doesn’t mind helping out at all, I couldn’t imagine coping with 5 on my own, but he will say oh I wanted to go to XYZ first, ask if I can call later, or he might say he fancied hiking such a mountain (we do lots of this) we will have to go a different weekend.
I do say at the time you are allowed to say no without feeling guilty. She is very manipulative though, I have seen the messages she sends, even voice notes from the kids saying they want to see him or will he come & fix their bike now as they really want to play out etc.
He is a good person & a bit of a people pleaser. I can see he is genuinely torn between feeling like he should help and between wanting to do what he wants to do. Not just necessarily keeping me happy but cancelling other plans he has made.
I’ve said before you need to start saying more as the more you go the more they will ask. Like the bike for example, I’d just say we’ll play out without it, use a scooter etc. and it can get fixed next time he’s over. But they will literally pester him calling / face timing etc.
Does he need to man up a bit / grow a back bone etc. maybe. But then that’s who he is.
when ours were younger we were always about to just deal with things as they happened & we are both a bit just do it then it’s done. Which is fine in your own home, not when you’ve to drive an hour to do it.
I think after reading all the comments etc rather than message her next time she is having one of her fuse needs changing in a plug dramas (this has happened previously) I will go over & do it then speak to her.
nothing is lost in translation etc then. I will speak to hubby first and let him know.
she knows I won’t do the ridiculous school pick up, she has asked before & im fine with just saying no I’m busy.
The kids dad is pretty useless but does have them EOW - he’s just not the most organised when it comes to getting them to where they need to be on time. Not helped by the fact they need to be in 2 different places at once.
If it wasn’t for the constant piss taking we would probably offer to take them for a weekend once a month, camping or for days out. But my hubbys words are he wants a chilled child free weekend once the mountains.
Previously they have phoned & messaged repeatedly while we are on holiday out of the country with ridiculous minor things that could wait!
the youngest once needed 2 stitches. We were abroad & had left the phone in the hotel. We had 97 missed calls & messages they were in A&E etc, it was an emergency.
whilst a cut leg would have been upsetting for the child I wouldn’t call it an emergency, or worthy of calling your brother on holiday.
she has a good job, a close group of & wider circle of friends & is an intelligent woman.
she is only 3 years younger than me so I have known her since she was 10. She has always been manipulative & very good at being helpless when she is in fact very capable.
I can see when she is playing people & I’ve had enough of her doing it to my husband.
I’ve asked him before how he would feel if we ran about after my sister & her 2 DC non stop, who is also on her own with them. How we would split our time between them etc. His answer is that my sister is like me though & just gets on with stuff & doesn’t ask for help.
Hope that clears more up!