His sister drives me mad!

[OutdoorQueen]

Will try & keep it brief but will be difficult as it’s my favourite topic to rant on!

My hubby seems to run round for his sister non stop. Often having to alter / delay our plans!

She is a single parent to 5 DC, she chose to keep having children with a man she no longer loved. I understand she wanted them but she also chose to leave him. This was all pre planned on her part.

The kids dad is a bit useless when it comes to their hobbies, if it’s his WE with them he won’t take them etc.

So, she enrolled them all in different clubs. Think one at hockey one at swimming for every Saturday morning AT THE SAME TIME!

This means my DH has to drive from ours to hers (a 60 min journey) to take 2 of them and she takes the other 3. It isn’t a one off or an emergency, it was a ‘I need you to take A & B every other Saturday please’. No is that ok? No if you don’t have plans etc. She knows he hates saying no to her & massively plays on this.

That’s my AIBU 1 - that is massively winds me up & that she’s a CF for just expecting it.

Secondly her eldest 2 (twins) are in their 1st year of high school. They don’t like walking home (approx 10 min walk). She can’t get out of work to collect them one day a week (the younger ones go to after school club) so MY DH has to go get them & drop them off at home.

Holidays, she wants lovely family holidays. Great, don’t we all! We have no young kids, we had ours v young so they are now adults. SIL is our age. I absolutely do not want to go to an all inclusive resort surrounded by kids & ultimately ending up looking after them / being stuck with them etc. She keeps asking DH saying how much the kids want him / us there, how they were so upset we didn’t go on the last one. It’s all a guilt trip. The youngest have started saying this too. I know it’s her telling them too.

Calling him for the smallest thing. Lawnmower won’t start, shelf needs putting up, car has flat tyre etc. this is several times a week.

Father’s Day is coming up. Last year we were away. The kids apparently were ‘heartbroken’ we didn’t call & see them as they had made him cards. He is their uncle, not their dad! They have a dad who they see!!!

I’m sick of arguing about it with DH.

He is adamant the kids ‘do his head in’ and he doesn’t want to spend extra time there but feels guilty when she needs help or asks for it.

I have told him I feel like the other woman in my own marriage. She clicks her fingers & he jumps!

There is so so much more. I’m waffling now.

Am I being unreasonable or does my hubby need to decide who he keeps happy, his wife or his sister!

Is there something really nice that you could do when he is out being his DS faux husband so that you don't feel so taken advantage of?

Maybe don't change premade plans if she wants him to do xyz on a particular day - just continue your plans but without him.

He needs to feel that he is the one missing out.

Thank you for your replies, I tried to keep up with them all, if I missed any sorry, first time posting.

Just to clarify a few points.

I don’t look down on her AT ALL
It annoys me that she didn’t ask if he was ok with the ferrying her kids about to clubs before enrolling them. I know for a fact she didn’t just ask him and he’s said otherwise etc.

We have been together for over 30 years, this means I have also known her for over 30 years.

Im not some kind of insecure controlling weirdo who wants their husband with them 24/7 - I just don’t like anyone taking the piss out of his good nature!

We are lucky that we can (and did) go away most weekends. It’s not a case of I need to find something to do on a Saturday morning for a few hours, there’s plenty I can do, catch up with friends, clean if I’m really bored etc. it annoys me that we used to go away on a Friday evening, for 2 nights, now it’s a Saturday evening for one.

again it annoys me that the alarm goes off early on a Saturday when it doesn’t need too! Petty & selfish? Possibly, but I’ve done my stint of being up early at weekends etc.

for all those who actually understood where I was coming from / how I was feeling thank you!

for some of you I feel like it’s your mission to try & diagnose huge marital problems etc from a snapshot of a rant that’s annoying me!

will I realistically leave him over it? Permanently, no. Am I currently looking for a lovely spa weekend for myself, yes! Will I talk to him properly about it, again, yep. He needs to understand how it makes me feel.

Am I willing to compromise on it, possibly? I feel the picking up from senior school is ridiculous, it’s a 2 hour round trip for a 10 min walk they just don’t want to do.

As for their clubs if my hubs could even do once a month & someone else the other Saturday it would still bug me but I am willing to compromise as I’m not a totally unhinged controlling woman despite what some of you might think!

as for the ‘can you just fix blah blah blah’ that’s easily sorted, like someone suggested a link to a YouTube video or local handyman!

She has since clarified that it is actually

every other Saturday morning
ONE evening a week (4 hours)

Have you tried talking to his sister, explaining the position, how this is putting a serious strain on your relationship, as it would for anyone.
You have tried to get your husband to change without success, I would try and get his sister to change.
You are at a time where you don't have parental responsibility for young children and you should be allowed to enjoy it

Unfair comment. A bloke I expect.

Why should her life be dictated to by someone else's children? No weekends away now that her children are adults because he is running around after his sister's kids.

@Wexone
Husband has to collect to bring to school and home - mornings and afternoon affected

Nope, it's one afternoon a week. No mornings.

Saturday affected as yes its only morning but day is gone and too late to more likely do anything

Don't be ridiculous. On Saturday I left the house just before noon, got the train to London where I met up with my DCs, went to an exhibition then dinner, train back home and I'd have still had time to hit the last showing at the cinema if I'd wanted to.

Op

we all know now why you are pissed off about this

if you have put all this to your dh and yet still he Carries on.

then you need to ask yourself… is it because he actually wants to do it for some reason

He did, was & is a fab dad. Everything was very 50/50 in the home

Absolutely. His life shouldn't be dictated by his sister, it should be dictated by his wife demanding he be available at every opportunity to do what she wants when the whim takes her. On no account should he be allowed to make decisions for himself.

But what you fail to see is that her husband clearly WANTS to spend every other Saturday morning and one evening a week with his nieces and nephews

and if the op has a problem with that, then she either needs to issue an ultimatum or maybe ask herself why he is so willing to do this

You have a DH problem.

Does your DH moan about the help he is giving to his sister?

On the face of it, there isn’t anything wrong with what he is doing to help his sister, BUT if he does so and is complaining about it all the time while refusing to say no, then he is being very unreasonable.

SIL can guilt trip all she wants but you don’t have to give in to her and only give the help you can/want.

My in-laws have complained to DH over the years about the amount of childcare they do for his sister and her husband every time they visit us (around our children’s birthdays) yet wouldn’t say anything to them. I left DH to listen to it because nothing was stopping them from telling her how they feel especially considering they are vocal about the things they don’t like or not comfortable with.

Still its an issue for her, its building resentment and and would be for me too - Sister is taking the piss cause he is soft. He is not THEIR father, their MOTHER should be bringing them herself , work with other parents who also go to these clubs to share or pay for lifts. No mention of father either ??? Where is the parenting from him or them? You see plenty of posts here from people saying you choose to have kids there fore you raise them or you pay for care to look after them if you cant - in this case she cant bring them to clubs so there fore they cant go or she pays for taxis or busses or whatever to bring them. Loads of people in the world do it.

If it’s an issue for the Op, then it’s an issue

so if her dh of 30 years hears all her issues and still wants to do it

then there’s a problem deeper than just this

I would bet he’s telling his sister he’s very happy to do it

I used to date a guy who was exactly like this, very similar situation with his sister, though she only had one child, and even that felt overwhelming. I can’t even begin to imagine five!🤯😳
He was constantly late and not just a few minutes late, but seriously late. I’d be left standing in the freezing cold at the train station for nearly an hour while he kept texting that he was “on his way,” the entire time. On top of that, we’d spend almost every single weekend at his family’s place. And I don’t mean dropping by for a couple of hours , I’m talking full days, every weekend, mostly so he could help take care of his niece. It wasn’t occasional support; it was basically a standing commitment. Whenever I tried to bring it up it turned into an a huge argument.

It got to the point where it felt like I was dating someone with a child of his own which was something I specifically didn’t want rather than someone who was just occasionally helping out a sibling. But somehow, I was always the bad guy for speaking up. I was labeled “selfish” just for expecting basic consideration. So yeah… I totally get where you’re coming from. The emotional exhaustion, the feeling of being sidelined, the endless justifications it’s a lot. You’re not alone.

Or maybe it bugs me that he has to change plans that HE made for us? He has also changed plans when he was out doing things for himself / with his friends (shock horror without me!) at the last minute because she’s asked

you seem to think I’m mega controlling, I’m not!

HE doesn’t HAVE to do anything

He does it because he wants to

But that is you not the OP - This is affecting the Op's marriage. Its not up to the OP's husband to ferry his sisters kids around - The sister also expects him to drop everything to help her at a moments notice so other times are affected

DH problem still because he is choosing to do so.

He is choosing to disappoint you and his friends over his sister. He is choosing to do these things when he could say no especially to kids in secondary that have working legs and can walk 10 minutes. He is enabling his sister and her children.

Have you asked him what happens if something happens to him where he can’t drive? I hope he doesn’t expect you to take over if that were to happen.

She says there is not - says its resented because they have raised their children and built up their work so the can enjoy their time together now. A bit like when grandparents retire then they are expected to do child-minding permanently

This would drive me demented too op. You and he should be enjoying life together now your kids are older, not pandering to someone who frankly is taking the piss (helping now and again is fine of course and a nice thing to do - but we are not talking about that). He needs to understand how seriously this is affecting you and that compromises need to be made. I hope he understands and makes some changes, because if he won’t I am not sure what you can do about it. The sister is a CF - I can’t believe he is agreeing to take her kids to clubs, etc, he is being a mug.

It’s not just Saturday morning and Wednesday after school though is it.

It’s wanting holidays, wanting Father’s Day, the lawn mower and whatever the other things are.

It’s a hour/two hour trip to drive a child a 10 minute walk.

It’s about respect. The sister hasn’t asked for help, she said my children need taking here you can do that. My children cannot walk 10 minutes you need to collect them. My children want a holiday with you, do it. My children want you on Father’s Day, don’t upset them.

It doesn’t appear to of been this brother going hey, I can help do clubs once / twice a month. Hey every/every other year I don’t mind taking the kids off camping.

It’s just demand after demand. Which fine if brother wants to be a door mat but his being a door mat affects his wife and at times I’d assume his own even adult children (Father’s Day). Ops being woken by the alarms at 7am on a Saturday for children and plans that are not hers, op no longer can just have spontaneous weekend trips because sisters children where put into clubs she knew she couldn’t juggle.

@OutdoorQueen have they always had a close relationship?

You need to plan an event for you and your DH and if he mentions that he can't go or cancels it because he has to go do what his DS has asked tell him to choose which means more to him.

Guessing your suggestions for other ways of help are not suitable for his DSis and it's easier for her to get him to be her gofer.