Page 9 | To think my brother bringing a new girlfriend to see my dead father is inappropriate??

Meeemeee88 · 2025-05-14T11:58:28+00:00

Basically my father passed away . The day AFTER this happened with everyone at my mums house obviously mourning , upset etc … my brother turns up with a new girlfriend ( first time anyone had met her !!) it was very awkward as we knew nothing about her etc . No one said anything as didn’t want to cause more upset . But he then brings her to view my father’s body a few days later !!! I’m sorry but isn’t this really inappropriate and just insensitive?? My mum isn’t happy about it but again no one wants to cause drama . I’m worried he will bring her to the funeral now but am I over reacting … maybe she has been supportive etc but timing is so off here isn’t it ? To introduce her now when they have only been other a short space of time .

JohnMajorsChicken · 14/05/2025 20:33

Horticula · 14/05/2025 20:28

But his selfish and inappropriate behaviour has greatly upset his sister and above all his mother, whose husband has died.
I know from my own experience how dreadful it is when your father dies, but he should be thinking about his mother's feelings.

It's utterly crass to bring a 3 week girlfriend ( who isn't a life partner or loving support or whatever other crap people on here are calling her) to the home of a devastated family. I judge the brother and his girlfriend. I would hate to be related to anyone on here who thinks him doing this is ok.

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I don't believe it's selfish and inappropriate behaviour. That's my point! We all think differently.

HenDoNot · 14/05/2025 20:34

Vitrolinsanity · 14/05/2025 20:31

Whilst I’d love to think “that’s nice DB has a supportive (if newly minted) girlfriend”, my actual self would be thinking “Grief Tourist!!!!”.

Same. Someone who does this is the type to post "heaven has gained another angle" on Facebook and be telling people how she's lost her 'FIL' when they ask "are you ok hun?".

Itsjustgonenoonhalfpastmonsoon · 14/05/2025 20:38

I don’t see anything wrong with her attending the funeral, but not ride in the limo. She can make her own way there. As for seeing your dad in his coffin, that’s just bizarre. Was it at the chapel of rest? My husband didn’t even come with me and my dad to see my mum in her coffin.

Justtryingthis · 14/05/2025 21:34

IMHO any new partner worth their salt would be able to look at the situation and strike a balance between supporting their new boyfriend and being sensitive to the fact they are a total and utter stranger to the grieving family and not to intrude on their very private grief.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/05/2025 21:35

AthWat · 14/05/2025 15:35

There would be something hugely odd about bringing a 3-week girlfriend to meet his family the day after your father died. It amazes me anyone would think that was normal.
If your father dies and your whole family are there they are your support if you don't have a long term partner.
If he asked her to go , then he's odd for asking her, and she's a bit strange for accepting. After three weeks he shouldn't have felt he needs her there, and she should have had more sense and said "you'll be with your family, you don't need me".

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Maybe with your family - certainly not with anybody I'm related to.

AthWat · 14/05/2025 21:43

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/05/2025 21:35

Maybe with your family - certainly not with anybody I'm related to.

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Your family would all find it normal to bring a girlfriend of three weeks round just to meet everyone the day after your father died? Your mother would be totally up for that?
Note that that's the scenario I replied to - even the person I replied to has now acknowledged they misread the initial post.
However, even assuming you mean oh no, I'm talking about them coming round for support, then I'd check that all your family are indeed fine with it, if you're planning to do it any time soon. Just reading this thread should convince you that at least a large number of people would find it very intrusive indeed.

AthWat · 14/05/2025 21:46

JohnMajorsChicken · 14/05/2025 20:33

I don't believe it's selfish and inappropriate behaviour. That's my point! We all think differently.

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Well, that's ok then. It's not like what his mother thinks matters. It's not like her husband just died, or anything. Pretty selfish on her part really.

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/05/2025 21:55

This is one of these "Your mileage may vary moments"

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/05/2025 22:10

How the girlfriend could have turned up there without wanting the ground to swallow her up is beyond me. It’d be major cringe for me if I had to go to the chapel of rest and view a stranger’s body in front of his family that I’ve never met. The shame. I don’t know how the hell people think this is normal. I mean, is she even an official girlfriend after three weeks? Does your brother have form rushing into relationships at a rate of knots, OP?

Imenti · 14/05/2025 22:27

Senzaunadonna · 14/05/2025 13:15

Surprised at these responses. I’m with you, OP. I think this is a time for family and very close friends. You’re all dealing with a lot of very difficult emotions. Having a stranger present in these moments must feel like an intrusion.

As for the brother needing support. Unless there is a massive back story I expect he could find support from his family at these moments and his new girlfriend when he goes home or whatever.

Edited

Absolutely agree with all of this. I would never want a stranger intruding on private family grief (at your Mum's home) when you're all so upset. It would feel very awkward and I would be angry about it.

Eldermillennialmum · 14/05/2025 22:31

OP I can understand why you would feel that way and I agree with you.

I also agree with PP who says that grief tends to being with it anger and this could have an impact.

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 22:34

NotWorthTheHeadache · 14/05/2025 19:53

BUT SHE IS NOT HIS PARTNER! 🤯😂

He has known her for 21 days… she might as well be someone he just picked up in a club!

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and you know that they're not going to get married and spend the next 50 years together based on .. what actually?

What business is it to you?

If she didn't want to support him, then yes, it would be just a fling.
Being together through the grief of losing his dad means their relationship has a chance.

How bizarre to resent a sibling for having a partner. You would think that someone making such a big effort is someone solid.

As a mother, I would find some comfort in knowing my kid is not alone in his grief, but apparently that's weird. As a mum I should resent my kid getting help in dealing with the sudden loss of his father.
Only on MN.

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 22:36

HenDoNot · 14/05/2025 20:34

Same. Someone who does this is the type to post "heaven has gained another angle" on Facebook and be telling people how she's lost her 'FIL' when they ask "are you ok hun?".

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judging someone so harshly when you don't know the first thing about her says a lot about you, nothing about her.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/05/2025 22:37

AthWat · 14/05/2025 21:43

Your family would all find it normal to bring a girlfriend of three weeks round just to meet everyone the day after your father died? Your mother would be totally up for that?
Note that that's the scenario I replied to - even the person I replied to has now acknowledged they misread the initial post.
However, even assuming you mean oh no, I'm talking about them coming round for support, then I'd check that all your family are indeed fine with it, if you're planning to do it any time soon. Just reading this thread should convince you that at least a large number of people would find it very intrusive indeed.

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I meant the idea of anybody I have an element of shared DNA with being any form of support.

They wouldn't be happy about it because it would mean a potential witness to their usual behaviour, so they'd have to pretend not to be verbally and/or physically aggressive.

DappledThings · 14/05/2025 22:42

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/05/2025 22:10

How the girlfriend could have turned up there without wanting the ground to swallow her up is beyond me. It’d be major cringe for me if I had to go to the chapel of rest and view a stranger’s body in front of his family that I’ve never met. The shame. I don’t know how the hell people think this is normal. I mean, is she even an official girlfriend after three weeks? Does your brother have form rushing into relationships at a rate of knots, OP?

Edited

Maybe she didn't think supporting someone in their grief is cringeworthy, embarrassing or shameful in any way. Same as I don't and wouldn't. I wouldn't be wanting the ground to swallow me up if my boyfriend, however new a boyfriend, asked me to be there with him.

Even if I did think I would be embarrassed I would get over myself in order to be supportive.

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/05/2025 22:50

DappledThings · 14/05/2025 22:42

Maybe she didn't think supporting someone in their grief is cringeworthy, embarrassing or shameful in any way. Same as I don't and wouldn't. I wouldn't be wanting the ground to swallow me up if my boyfriend, however new a boyfriend, asked me to be there with him.

Even if I did think I would be embarrassed I would get over myself in order to be supportive.

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The embarrassment would come from knowing I had no right to intrude on a family’s grief when I had never met them before, never met the deceased, and I was some woman the son/brother had been dating for a grand total of three weeks, and probably not even that unless people start dating the second they meet. It’s strange behaviour and not something I would ever consider. The fact people do is alien to me. I don’t know how anyone would not feel awkward.

DappledThings · 14/05/2025 22:57

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/05/2025 22:50

The embarrassment would come from knowing I had no right to intrude on a family’s grief when I had never met them before, never met the deceased, and I was some woman the son/brother had been dating for a grand total of three weeks, and probably not even that unless people start dating the second they meet. It’s strange behaviour and not something I would ever consider. The fact people do is alien to me. I don’t know how anyone would not feel awkward.

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But the guy invited her. Why should she feel she's intruding when she was asked to be there?

If she did browbeat the brother and insist on being there against his wishes or suggestion that would he different but OP hasn't suggested anything other than the brother wanting her there.

AthWat · 14/05/2025 22:59

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/05/2025 22:37

I meant the idea of anybody I have an element of shared DNA with being any form of support.

They wouldn't be happy about it because it would mean a potential witness to their usual behaviour, so they'd have to pretend not to be verbally and/or physically aggressive.

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Well I don't think that's the common experience so I'm not sure it's helpful in this context.

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 22:59

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/05/2025 22:50

The embarrassment would come from knowing I had no right to intrude on a family’s grief when I had never met them before, never met the deceased, and I was some woman the son/brother had been dating for a grand total of three weeks, and probably not even that unless people start dating the second they meet. It’s strange behaviour and not something I would ever consider. The fact people do is alien to me. I don’t know how anyone would not feel awkward.

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if you barge in on a grieving family, you are "intruding".

When you are invited, or asked to come with a member of that family, you are not intruding.

I find it astonishing that people would not naturally want to help out. If a friend, not even a boyfriend, was asking me to come and support them to see their dead father and stay for the funerals, I would never say no. I would hate it, no one in their right mind enjoys these situation, but it's about your friend.

MN posters are so weird.

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/05/2025 23:05

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 22:59

if you barge in on a grieving family, you are "intruding".

When you are invited, or asked to come with a member of that family, you are not intruding.

I find it astonishing that people would not naturally want to help out. If a friend, not even a boyfriend, was asking me to come and support them to see their dead father and stay for the funerals, I would never say no. I would hate it, no one in their right mind enjoys these situation, but it's about your friend.

MN posters are so weird.

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No, it’s definitely weird to turn up to the chapel of rest to view a stranger’s dead body, especially when the family have never met you, have absolutely no idea who you are, and the son just unilaterally invited her without running it by anyone else. THAT’S the fucking weird part 🤣 I’d be absolutely livid if some random turned up to view my loved one’s corpse.

You’re right, MN posters are weird but it’s not me who’s one of the weird ones here.

NotWorthTheHeadache · 14/05/2025 23:07

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 22:59

if you barge in on a grieving family, you are "intruding".

When you are invited, or asked to come with a member of that family, you are not intruding.

I find it astonishing that people would not naturally want to help out. If a friend, not even a boyfriend, was asking me to come and support them to see their dead father and stay for the funerals, I would never say no. I would hate it, no one in their right mind enjoys these situation, but it's about your friend.

MN posters are so weird.

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If a friend came to support you after the passing of your father that is absolutely lovely, and normal! It’s a friend, who you know… this man and woman barely know each other!

The fact of the matter is this woman has known this man for 21 DAYS! For her to view the dead body of the father of what is essentially a stranger is completely messed up and whether she was invited or not, she should have declined nicely. Any sane woman would! She could have dropped him off and picked him up, allowed him to be with his family to grieve… this man was not alone, his family were there to support him. She could have supported him away from his grieving family, made him dinner, spent time with him outside of the viewing of the body. The fact that his sister and mother are now upset means it absolutely was an intrusion.

You’re the weird one and I’m actually pretty sure you’re just being purposefully obtuse now.

AthWat · 14/05/2025 23:09

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 22:59

if you barge in on a grieving family, you are "intruding".

When you are invited, or asked to come with a member of that family, you are not intruding.

I find it astonishing that people would not naturally want to help out. If a friend, not even a boyfriend, was asking me to come and support them to see their dead father and stay for the funerals, I would never say no. I would hate it, no one in their right mind enjoys these situation, but it's about your friend.

MN posters are so weird.

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Would it be ok to turn up with a guy he'd just met in the pub who seemed very sympathetic? Or would that be stretching it even for you?

"He was a wonderful man."
"He'll be missed."
"Yes. I don't know how I'll cope."
"Well, I'll have to take your word for that, never met the man, are there any more sandwiches?"

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 23:10

NotWorthTheHeadache

You’re the weird one and I’m actually pretty sure you’re just being purposefully obtuse now.
we get it, you don't agree with me. I am sorry you are running out of argument and you have to start insulting me.

I think that posters like you are a lot more than weird, but in respect to the OP who might read this, I will stick with weird.

DappledThings · 14/05/2025 23:10

NotWorthTheHeadache · 14/05/2025 23:07

If a friend came to support you after the passing of your father that is absolutely lovely, and normal! It’s a friend, who you know… this man and woman barely know each other!

The fact of the matter is this woman has known this man for 21 DAYS! For her to view the dead body of the father of what is essentially a stranger is completely messed up and whether she was invited or not, she should have declined nicely. Any sane woman would! She could have dropped him off and picked him up, allowed him to be with his family to grieve… this man was not alone, his family were there to support him. She could have supported him away from his grieving family, made him dinner, spent time with him outside of the viewing of the body. The fact that his sister and mother are now upset means it absolutely was an intrusion.

You’re the weird one and I’m actually pretty sure you’re just being purposefully obtuse now.

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It doesn’t matter how long she's known him if he wanted her there. If he invited her why wouldn't she assume it was fine with the rest of the family. That's on the brother to manage, not her responsibility.

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 23:12

AthWat · 14/05/2025 23:09

Would it be ok to turn up with a guy he'd just met in the pub who seemed very sympathetic? Or would that be stretching it even for you?

"He was a wonderful man."
"He'll be missed."
"Yes. I don't know how I'll cope."
"Well, I'll have to take your word for that, never met the man, are there any more sandwiches?"

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we are talking about his girlfriend, not his latest fling that he picked up in a club last night, but keep going with your strange scenario. I am not sure what you are trying to prove.

If your idea of a relationship is to have a guy who decline to support you, let alone offer by himself, we don't have the same standards.