To think my brother bringing a new girlfriend to see my dead father is inappropriate??

[Meeemeee88]

Basically my father passed away . The day AFTER this happened with everyone at my mums house obviously mourning , upset etc … my brother turns up with a new girlfriend ( first time anyone had met her !!) it was very awkward as we knew nothing about her etc . No one said anything as didn’t want to cause more upset . But he then brings her to view my father’s body a few days later !!! I’m sorry but isn’t this really inappropriate and just insensitive?? My mum isn’t happy about it but again no one wants to cause drama . I’m worried he will bring her to the funeral now but am I over reacting … maybe she has been supportive etc but timing is so off here isn’t it ? To introduce her now when they have only been other a short space of time .

Thought we couldn't go a whole thread without somebody saying "controlling".

When my dad died, I travelled half way across the world to see my mum and sister only to find some random girl my sister had been friends with for about 1 week sitting in our house. It was more than weird, but it did mean everyone behaved themselves and no one kicked off.

It may be he needs her as a buffer.

I would really try to let it go. There's going to be enough to fall out about, regardless of her presence.

My condolences, as well by the way. I know it can be a tough one, losing a parent.

Controlling behaviour? For God's sake.

Nothing ever feels right when a parent dies.

I totally understand why you and your mum feel the way you do but your brother is using this GF for support and you have to find a way to make peace with that IMO.

Im so sorry about your loss though - my mum died 3 years ago and the emotional stress is just so much.

The second time I met my future FIL he was very sadly dead. I’d been with my now husband for 9 months tho not 3 weeks. But even at 3 weeks I would have just done whatever my now hubby wanted me too, to support him. He was the one. Maybe this woman is your brother’s one?

My DH’s mum and sister were just glad he had someone to support him and told me so themselves. They are a lovely family. I wish I could have known his father, such a sad situation.

If you’re that uncomfortable with this woman who is nice enough to help her new boyfriend navigate his grief then you should tell him so.

I bet the OP's mother would quite rightly have a massive problem with the 3 week girlfriend travelling in a funeral car. I find it astonishing anyone would think that would be appropriate.

Your brother does seem rather immature tbh…….bringing a new GF to view a dead relative is just not acceptable. Bereavement and loss are very personal and the GF cannot be very intelligent to have actually accepted his request to be there. Some people just have no decorum.

This absolutely sums it up for me. I really couldn’t care less if she’s had a bereavement of a parent / close family member. It’s absolutely outrageous that she thought it appropriate to view your dad’s body. I’m so sorry op. I would be beside myself upset had this happened with my dad so understand exactly how you must be feeling. Your poor mum. ❤️

As for the funeral, I totally get why you now don’t want her there. Unfortunately I think you will have to steel yourself as the likelihood is that she will be.

I didn’t even view my MIL when she died. I’d been with dh possibly about 18 months and felt that was far too intrusive. I was just the very young woman he lived with. Not married or engaged etc at the time.

Whilst I can understand the timing isn't great and understand why you feel the way you feel, he's lost his father too and if he wants his new partner there supporting him whilst viewing his father's body and at his father's funeral then he should do as long as she's nice to you all and not actively causing problems.

Sorry for your loss it's awful losing a parent. Tbh it's a bit odd but she's maybe unsure how to support him and it's not worth falling out over. My sibling brought a new ish partner to my parents funeral insisted she had a space in front row it was important to him so I said nothing we all grieve in different ways

Yes it's still common in Ireland to have the coffin in the house and in both houses and funeral homes, coffins are usually open.

Or alternatively didn't like to say no.

It is really weird and this sounds EXACTLY like what my brother would do. He was/is always bringing his new girlfriends to the weirdest of family events, trying to get us all to play happy family with a woman we barely know. What’s meant to be a close fun family event is always made weird/awkward with yet another new woman.

However I’d just leave it. Either they last - in which case you don’t want to offend her now - or they don’t (the more likely scenario), in which case don’t let a random passing woman upset you. I just suffered bereavement too so I know how upsetting and angering it can be to let someone else be present during such intimate grief but what can you do.

It probably comes from some strange neediness or thinking with his dick (a key characteristic of my brother) on your brother’s end. Just be civil and keep your distance. If you don’t feel up to being friendly it’s ok as well - nobody expects you to be a great host when your dad’s just died.

3 weeks? No, it's awkward for everyone else.

If the gf wants to support your brother it doesn't mean she needs to be around the entire family. She can support him the rest of the time.

When you all meet someone new (both sides) it should be a nice occasion and everyone is aware that that is what is happening.

Tbh I'd never want to be the new gf in this situation but I think she should have also raised that this wasn't the time or place to meet her bf's family for the first time. Even if she wanted to be there for him, she should have recognised how difficult this would be for the rest of his family.

YANBU

Quite surprised at some of responses.

Taking a comparative stranger to view a dead body is inappropriate and weird. The girlfriend could’ve offered support by accompanying him and waiting outside.

I think it's totally inappropriate.

I agree with you OP. I actually think funeral would be OK but not going in to wake/view the body. 3 weeks is literally the very very start of a relationship if it even progresses to that. She couldnt just ignore the fact he has list his Dad nit she doesn't need to be front and centre.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

Did she meet your dad before he died?

Hugely inappropriate

But that’s because neighbours, cousins, FIL will have known the deceased for a long time. Do complete strangers who have never met the dead person show up? Is that genuinely a good time to say ‘Hey! Come and meet the family!!’

I’m Irish and yes, you will have people show up to wakes who may have never met the deceased, but they will know one of the immediate family members very well.

This lunatic of a woman knows nobody, shes still practically a stranger to her boyfriend of 3 weeks. It’s totally creepy that she showed up.

And again, for those who say she was there to support him, he was surrounded by his entire family presumably. He didn’t need her there and it was completely inappropriate and would forever taint my perception of her. I’d really struggle to welcome her into the family or make any effort to build a relationship with her. And I’d be rightly fucked off with my brother too.

Your brother obviously wanted someone to be with him and support him during his hard time. What is the issue? Would you rather him go through it alone when he had the option to have his loved one with him

^This sums up my view of the situation!

A highly inappropriate thing to do without discussing it with the family first.

So many things wrong with your comment.

He wanted someone to be with him and support him? He had his whole family, who he has known all his life… why did he need a stranger he’s known for 3 weeks?

He was not in anyway going through it alone…

His ‘loved one’? He’s known this woman 3 weeks! 😅

Yes they absolutely do.