To think that a 35 year old man setting his dating range to age 21+ is revolting?

[colachive]

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

No it's not just up to me. 21 is too young for 35 year old. That's a fact. It's not just 'up to them.' There's a power imbalance and it's weird. What kind of 35 year old goes for someone just 2 years out of their teens FFS?!

It's not a 'fact'. It's just some arbitrary statement you keep repeating.

I was attracted to men in their late 20s and 30s at 21. I wasn't particularly attracted to other 21 yo males.

Why would anyone who doesn't know the people involved think they can state so concretely it is 'weird' and wrong and indicative of a power imbalance for an adult woman in her 20s to have a consenting sexual encounter (or relationship if that's what they want) with a man in their 30s?

Should 21 year old women not have sex if they're not into blokes their own age? Should they be shamed for it?

OP, my point remains in that surely this is an issue to be directed at your partner for suggesting it. I think there’s an underlying assumption here that maybe younger women are less serious and more casual, and that ought to be challenged. Also think it’s highly inappropriate and somewhat predatory for a 35 year old to be targeting that low an age group. It’s fine if it happened organically and mutually between the two, but the point here is that there has been advice to specifically target women thus young — that to me feels wrong…

Exactly this. ^ All the generations of family I can go back to (and everyone I knew growing up) NEVER had an age gap of more than 5 years with any husband/wife/partner they had. Most were the same age as their partner within a year or two.

Big age gaps seem to be a more recent phenomenon, and yeah, quite a few of the women in the couple seem to think other women are 'jealous' of them. As I said, I have known a few women over the years (in their 20s and early 30s) who had a man 15-20+ years older, and thought other women were jealous of them. All the LOLs. WTF has anyone got to be jealous of? 😆

Mandy Smith and Bill Wyman being together was a special kind of grim. And the worst thing about it was that her mother encouraged it. 😖

@Butchyrestingface

I was attracted to men in their late 20s and 30s at 21. I wasn't particularly attracted to other 21 yo males.

Good for you. That doesn't mean you weren't too young for the men in their 30s, when you were just 1-2 years out of your teens

Should 21 year old women not have sex if they're not into blokes their own age? Should they be shamed for it?

Don't put words in my mouth @Butchyrestingface A 21 year old is too young for a 35 year old. And that is a hill I will die on. Many people have said it on here. It is a fact. Not just an opinion. Someone just 1-2 years out of their teens is too young for a 35 year old.

No for me it’s because I have a daughter and I don’t like the idea of someone a lot older is because it feels sleazy, plus I wouldn’t want her to end up with an old man in her 30’s. Dh and I are in our 40’s, we were very different in our 30’s. I’m not single so it’s not worry about 20yr olds hoovering up all the men either. i’ve known happy age gap relationships but inevitably one starts aging very very fast at some point. I don’t want that for my DD.

Although age gaps are way more common with it being the man who is much older, there are occasions when it's the woman who is older...

I know a woman in her mid 30s (36,) who is with a 19 year old 'man.' She has been with him for 8 months, and he moved in with her 6 months ago. She has some job working for the council where she works from home 2-3 days a week, and he is a burger flipper in Maccies. (does 16 hours a week.) She owns her house and he lives there/lodges there with her. She has a car. He can't drive. He appears to have no friends. (Never seen him with anyone but her and her DC.)

She talks to him like he's a piece of shit, she shouts at him, she talks down to him, and he does all her gardening and most of her housework. He also walks her 2 dogs three times a day, and spends a large chunk of time looking after/entertaining her 3 y.o. child. This would NEVER happen if he was 36 too.

I have no idea where his parents are, but if this was my 19 year old son, I would be doing everything in my power to get him away from her. The power imbalance is horrific.

As for the idea of 'older' women being jealous of the younger women that the older men are dating... WTAF?! 😂 As has been said, why on EARTH would any woman envy another woman with a much older man? Come ON! 😆

You keep repeating the same old nonsense without actually engaging with any of the points made. It's fine if you feel that a 35 year old would be too old for YOU at 21. No-one would dispute that.

What you keep repeating over and over is not a fact. It's your opinion.

If a 21 year old wanted to marry and have kids with a 35 year old, there would be no impediment to her doing so. She could legally marry without a problem, and no church in the land would refuse to perform a religious ceremony. This is because there is nothing legally or morally wrong with a 21 year old woman marrying a 35 year old man.

If she just wanted to have a fling with a 35 year old man that went nowhere, she could. No blue flashing lights will be turning up at their homes to arrest either of them. That is because neither of them would be doing anything wrong.

Those are the facts. Not opinion.

It's a fact. Mic drop!

Have a good day.

Nah - I don’t see the issue. It’s not like he is ONLY looking for women who are 21. He is just starting from that age.

As long ad everybody is upfront and honest I don’t see the issue. I was 21 when I had a fling with a 35 year old man. No big deal.

It's grim but not illegal, I'd fear the sort of women of that age that may go for him may be vulnerable but I doubt there is much you can do. Let's hope they have filters to keep out lecherous old men.

I'm sure there are women who are attracted to men in their 20s. For me peak attractiveness is mid 30s to mid 40s for men.

I agree there is more of a stigma attached to an older woman / younger man relationship, maybe because it is more unusual. There could be many reasons as to why that is but generally women don't want to date much younger men.

Personally, it wouldn't appeal to me at all.

@BatchCookBabe A 21 year old is too young for a 35 year old. And that is a hill I will die on. Many people have said it on here. It is a fact. Not just an opinion. Someone just 1-2 years out of their teens is too young for a 35 year old

You don’t seem to understand the definitions of fact, and opinion. This is merely your opinion, not a fact. It’s fine to have your opinion, life would be dull if all humans had the same opinions, but it is just that.

I went out with guys that age when I was young and at my 21st was indeed with a guy who was exactly 35yo😁. It was great, I wasn’t too young. None of my relationships with guys in this age group were unbalanced, abusive or coercive relationships, they were positive, and I’d do exactly the same again if I lived life over. The thought of being in a relationship with male peers my own age at that stage makes my toes curl, they are still so immature, why would you want to force that on young women!

I'd be more interested what upper age limit he set. A broad age range either side of his wouldn't necessarily be a concern, targeting only young(er) women would sound a bit creepy to me!

I think the power imbalance is less of an issue when people have met via a dating app, the women are aware of his age and can choose to exclude him/ men his age.

I don't think so. When i was 21, i was dating men in their 30s.

Sure, I was an adult at 21!

Its a psychological jealousy.

Op is in no way romantically involved with this man. So she has nothing to lose either way. He is a friend of her partner.

However her brain is going: " a man my age is saying yhat he would be sexually interested in women 14 years younger than me. Does that mean i'm old?

And she gets jealous and angry at the younger women

Which is where OP's post has started from

Agreed. My DH ex wife was always banging on about my age in a derogatory way. It is plain jealousy.

FFS there's always so many judgemental women on here about age gaps.

21 is an adult, 35 isn't ancient. As far as I'm concerned, unless you're old enough to be their parent (and not some gym slip, teenage parent) what's the issue!

People should just mind their own business and let other people get on with their lives.

It is generally accepted people get less attractive and energetic as they get older so I don't think it is concerning to not want to date a much older person. A man in his mid 30s is most likely going to want children so he won't be looking at peri/menopausal women. Biology plays a massive factor in why age gap relationships are predominantly older men/younger women.

I think a lot of women can't bare the idea that men their own age don't find them attractive anymore.

You are confusing your opinions with "facts". they are not the same thing I am afraid.

A bit cringe maybe, but not revolting. Everyone in this scenario is a consenting adult. It's obvious why both parties might be attracted to each other.

That seems very odd on your part.

I 48, my partner is 61, we were both a decade younger when we became a couple . When I'm 55 he will indeed be in his late 60s. That seems like a pretty normal gap for two middle aged people.Why would you only be willing to date someone within a very few years of your own age, it's not grade school?

That is a myth. The brain develops endlessly, largely driven by experiences.