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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that a 35 year old man setting his dating range to age 21+ is revolting?

366 replies

colachive · 14/05/2025 06:23

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 14/05/2025 14:18

Yes but times have changed and so.have attitudes
I'm 51 and remember Bill Wymann,marrying Mandy Smith when success 16 and he was in his 40,s having met her at 13 that wouldn't happen now

It didn't really happen THEN either. That's why it made the papers.

I was a child at the time and my WWII-born parents were absolutely disgusted by him and thought he should be flogged.

Hiddenmnetter · 14/05/2025 14:18

Arina22 · 14/05/2025 13:38

Im realistic. Ive worked in a lot of youth work settings and ive seen a lot of men i worked with look at the teenage girls on a sexual way.

I also remember being 14 myself, loads of older men spoke to me in a sexual way.

I also remember hearing male teachers say something. I was out in a group. There were three men that were teachers there. I didnt know them well. They were friends of a friend.

One of the teachers said about another teacher "john waits for his students to turn 18, then he shags them". The other teacher said "its true"

I think a lot of men are like that

It was very common in the 80s for male teachers to have student girlfriends. Everyone looked the other way. There was a really famous murder case about a teacher on the northern beaches in Sydney who murdered his wife and moved his student girlfriend in. It was grim

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 14:25

35 year old men were great boyfriends when I was 21+!
There was nothing uncommon about uni students going out with young professional.

More disposable income, own home, and making a lot more efforts than a roommate who could barely be bothered to offer you a beer.

Nothing revolting, and stop patronising 21+year old young woman thinking they are naive children. They are WOMEN.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 14/05/2025 14:33

I am with you OP - pretty grim.

FarmGirl78 · 14/05/2025 14:37

Unless it's 12+ and you typed the numbers the wrong way round this really isn't...

a) an issue
b) any of your business.

CanadianJohn · 14/05/2025 14:44

OonaStubbs · 14/05/2025 07:21

Half your age plus 7 should be lower limit for dating apps.

So for a 35 year old. 25 years old should be the lower limit. and 56 the upper.

Is that, like, one of the ten commandments, or is it a more recent law?

Meadowfinch · 14/05/2025 14:50

Actually, no.

I've watched assorted friends recently get to the point of wanting babies, and they are at least 10 years ahead in maturity, of men their age ..

I'm starting to think this age gap might be a good thing. 25yo mum and 40 yo dad.

gannett · 14/05/2025 16:00

Why are there so many threads infantilising early-20s women recently? Is this something the weird religious right are pushing?

You get these very strange threads on MN in particular where an ostensibly "feminist", or at least anti-men, opinion is actually about how silly young women don't know their own minds.

The answer is "none of your business", anyway.

Arina22 · 14/05/2025 16:03

gannett · 14/05/2025 16:00

Why are there so many threads infantilising early-20s women recently? Is this something the weird religious right are pushing?

You get these very strange threads on MN in particular where an ostensibly "feminist", or at least anti-men, opinion is actually about how silly young women don't know their own minds.

The answer is "none of your business", anyway.

I think some older women are jealous of men their age, dating younger women, so they lash out about it.

irregularegular · 14/05/2025 16:06

I don't think stating 21+ is revolting per se, no. I think it would be revolting if the range was 21-29. But 21+ just says to me that they don't feel a need to focus on age, provided the person is an adult. However, I do find what your partner said My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag” is pretty revolting!

I met my husband at 21, was in a relationship with him from 22. He is more than 10 years older than me. We are happily married over 30 years later and I don't believe there was anything revolting about our relationship.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 14/05/2025 16:11

my partner’s attitude of “21 year old girls are good for a shag” is what I find revolting -

With you there - but TBH most 21 year old have more sense and will only be interested if there a lot more in the plus column than the minus of large age gap.

DeedsNotDiddums · 14/05/2025 17:44

Just because it's not illegal doesn't mean it isn't revolting. YANBU.

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 14/05/2025 18:18

So it was your partner who suggested he lower his age range to 21+ for a shag? You might think it’s gross but it was your partner who suggested this. I think you’re protecting these feelings of grossness because you think that if anything happened with your partner he would also be trying to bang 21 year olds? 21 years old is as adult. Two consenting adults having sex is not against the law.

BatchCookBabe · 14/05/2025 19:15

YANBU @colachive It really is quite hilarious how so many men feel entitled to a much younger woman. On dating sites it's not unusual for a middle aged/slightly older than middle aged man (45-59) to be looking for a woman between 22 and 35. Of course it's not that weird for an older man to fancy a younger woman, something to do with being attracted to youth and fertility or some bollocks like that, but the amount of men who think they deserve a woman 15+ years younger is hilarious. Most 20-something and 30-something women I know wouldn't touch a man more than 10 years older with a bargepole! The majority of middle aged men/older men have nothing to offer a woman.

The few women who ARE attracted to 'older men' and actually do settle down with them do live to regret it from what I have seen ... A woman I know who is 46 now met her DH when she was 24 and he was 38. She saw a wise, mature, attractive, sexy older man, and hilariously thought other women were jealous of her. 22 years on, she is 46 and he is 60. He is a miserable, curmudgeonly, grumpy git who is always tired, always 'ill' and who has several hobbies that cost a fortune. He spends on himself, whilst she walks around in threadbare clothes she has had for a decade or more. He sees it as his right to spend the money, because he earns it.

She had 3 kids with him when she was 26, 33, and 39, and has not worked since she was 25. He gives her the bare minimum to live on, and has a face like a slapped arse half the time. The age gap is palpable now. She can't leave though, as she has 3 kids (youngest one is 7,) she has no money of her own, nowhere to go, and she hasn't worked for 2 decades, so will find it almost impossible to get a job. She's trapped. With a miserable older man, being kept in near penury, and with no way out, and she can look forward to spending her late 50s and her 60s being her husband's carer. She's already his handmaid and servant!

Jealous of that? Yeah right! 😆Hell would freeze over before I would go for an much older man!

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 19:47

gannett · 14/05/2025 16:00

Why are there so many threads infantilising early-20s women recently? Is this something the weird religious right are pushing?

You get these very strange threads on MN in particular where an ostensibly "feminist", or at least anti-men, opinion is actually about how silly young women don't know their own minds.

The answer is "none of your business", anyway.

100% jealousy.

The level of hatred when it's an ex-husband is not surprising but nasty.

heroinechic · 14/05/2025 20:07

What is with this narrative that it’s based on jealousy?

I’m only 30 myself, and happily married with a toddler and a baby on the way. I think it’s grim because I would have absolutely nothing in common with a 21 year old. We’re in different stages of our lives. I’ve had significant relationships, established a career, had children. When I was 21 I’d only just finished university and was going out on the piss multiple times a week.

Also, I was that young girl. I had a fling with a 36 year old male when I was 19 and he relentlessly pursued me. I was flattered by the attention and enamoured by the older man who would no doubt be amazing in bed (he wasn’t) and responsible (he wasn’t). I still see him around and he’s pushing 50 now. It makes me shudder that I ever thought it was an attractive prospect! I was just a body to him, bragging rights to his friends and a distraction from all the things he was failing at in life.

So yeah, I think it’s grim, and I’m far from jealous.

Idontcareanymore · 14/05/2025 20:20

I would certainly be re - evaluating my opinion of my partner OP.

He and his pal talking about women in terms of what value they bring to their lives being dependent.on what age group they belong to is absolutely revolting.

I would certainly be questioning what your partner actually thinks about you OP. And how he talks about you to hifriends.

The whole scenario would make me doubt that your partner, and possibly his friend, actually sees women as human beings.

AliBaliBee1234 · 14/05/2025 20:54

This is an overreaction. And no, at 21 I didn't find 35 anxient because it's not.

BatchCookBabe · 14/05/2025 20:56

heroinechic · 14/05/2025 20:07

What is with this narrative that it’s based on jealousy?

I’m only 30 myself, and happily married with a toddler and a baby on the way. I think it’s grim because I would have absolutely nothing in common with a 21 year old. We’re in different stages of our lives. I’ve had significant relationships, established a career, had children. When I was 21 I’d only just finished university and was going out on the piss multiple times a week.

Also, I was that young girl. I had a fling with a 36 year old male when I was 19 and he relentlessly pursued me. I was flattered by the attention and enamoured by the older man who would no doubt be amazing in bed (he wasn’t) and responsible (he wasn’t). I still see him around and he’s pushing 50 now. It makes me shudder that I ever thought it was an attractive prospect! I was just a body to him, bragging rights to his friends and a distraction from all the things he was failing at in life.

So yeah, I think it’s grim, and I’m far from jealous.

Good post. It's absolute nonsense that anything is based on jealousy. WTF has anyone got to be jealous about over a 20-something woman dating a middle aged man? Confused I'd rather have stuck pins in my eyes than be with a man old enough to be my dad when I was in my 20s. And as you have illustrated, some young women in their 20s ARE naive and do believe the patter and bullshit older men spill out to them. Very naive to think otherwise.

And WTF has being religious or right wing got to do with saying some young women are naive (as @gannett said?) What a weird thing to say! Confused

BatchCookBabe · 14/05/2025 20:58

AliBaliBee1234 · 14/05/2025 20:54

This is an overreaction. And no, at 21 I didn't find 35 anxient because it's not.

No, 35 isn't ancient, but it's too old for someone who has only been out of their teens for just over a year.

MintChocCat · 14/05/2025 21:01

I'm more concerned that this suggestion came from your own partner. Gross.

nam3c4ang3 · 14/05/2025 21:13

Your issue is your own partner has said this - potentially your issue with him because i guess it a reflection of what HE would want to do if he was single, and that doesnt sit well you because you are 37, not 21. Is that correct? Because, 21 is an adult and she can maker her own decision if she wants to shag a 35 year old... i did when i was 21 and he was 36 and i married him years later - we have 2 kids now. I was absolutely aware of what i was doing.

LlynTegid · 14/05/2025 21:15

It's the men who dump their wives once they reach 40 and then go for a younger woman who I despise.

x2boys · 14/05/2025 21:29

BatchCookBabe · 14/05/2025 20:58

No, 35 isn't ancient, but it's too old for someone who has only been out of their teens for just over a year.

Well that up to the person who is 21 so two years out of their teens to decide not you .

TurquoiseDress · 14/05/2025 21:29

Personally when I was 21, dating a 35 year old man would have been so not on my radar and I would have thought him to be well OLD

Well I suppose he’s just looking for one thing so he’s widening the net, so to speak

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