To feel it’s a motherhood penalty… AIBU?

[Yudl]

Recently got a new job in which they offered 95k. Unfortunately they would not be flexible on hours despite the fact that in my current role I work after collecting dd. Instead they said they would pay me until 3:30 which means my pay is effectively cut to under 75k (and only a small pay rise from where I am). I feel annoyed as I can do the hours they need but do need to do a pick up in between. We are expected to work some evenings anyway.

AIBU to feel miffed about this? DH is sadly no longer around to help

And the FREE time we have is because we
made a choice not to have kids. The lack of free time parents have is because they chose it and knew it would be a juggling act but that was preferable over being childless

For £95k couldn’t you arrange childcare?

or use that job to pad your savings for a few months and then secure a new job, whether that’s on higher pay or more flexible terms?

ultimately the dream job doesn’t exist regardless of being a parent or not

It depends.

Do you get to clock off at the dot at 3.30pm? And no expectation that you will log back in to do extra work? If so, £75k is an unusually high salary for a "school hours" job and I'd say you were quite lucky. Take the extra time with your DD and, when she's older and more independent, up your hours.

Or do they still want you to log back in and be available around your DD, but they don't want to pay you for it? In which case, YANBU.

I'm not in a particularly high paid full time job,
I take half an hour out 3.15-3.45 most days to do school pickup then continue working.

I really appreciate the flexibility but if I'm honest it does impact on my work. It means any calls that start at 2/2.30 I have to clock watch and can't do any that start between 2.30 and 4 basically.

Obviously it must be stressful if your children are ill, but picking them up routinely from school can't be unpleasant - they are your loved ones, they have half your genes, so presumably you enjoy their company. If I had the chance of a break from work every afternoon for a 20 minute car ride with my DH or another family member, I would find it quite refreshing.

This would never be a problem for a man. It's sexist and is treating women as if they are the same as men. But we are not and a properly equal society would have work patterns set up for all the unpaid work women do - and women would no longer be doing this double shift, men would too.

Is there no after school clubs or childminders you could use? Not every workplace allows flexi time my last work place refused my request partly on the grounds it was a small company and would set a precedent they couldn't accommodate everyone working when suited them which I understood as we took customer calls so can't make the time up later

It’s not their job to arrange work around your childcare. What they want you to do suits the business. If you want more hours/money then you have to sort childcare like millions of others

I actually think it’s really flexible of them to offer you a job where you finish in time for pick up, and still get paid more (albeit even if only slightly) than your current job. I think it would probably give a better work life balance and allow you to focus on your daughter after work / school, which will be of huge benefit to her! And when your daughter is older and can get to school herself, you can increase your hours. I would look at the bigger picture here.

It is a real pet peeve of mine when childless people make out they’re missing out on something when someone with a kid has to nip out to pick them up, or work from home when their kid has a sickness bug.

Except that's not what childless people complain about - they complain because a large number of parents seem to think it's acceptable to just leave work to do various child-related jobs when they're not afforded the same flexibility to attend to their responsibilities.

Ooft sounds like there's only one bitter person here. You chose to have a child, you chose that responsibility, now deal with it. Would you be okay with me popping out to pick my dog up from daycare, or taking her a walk in the middle of the day? Because I wouldn't be okay with a colleague doing that either. If you're at work (even if WFH) you should be available to work.

Ah, now what to do with my evening? Will I have a glass of wine, or a relaxing bath, or sit and listen to an audiobook? Ah yes, whatever I want 🍷cheers!

Hire a teenager to walk her home if you're working from home. Or pop her into an after school club. Tell them you have childcare now so expect your full salary (£95k) to be paid as per your contract.

To be fair, pp doesn't sound like the bitter one.

Having children is a choice. pp likely has more free time than you because she made the choice to be childfree, though children aren't the only things that can possibly take up free time.

YABVVU! You have the choice of 2 pay scales, one which requires paying some one else for pick up and one where you work PT, not to mention a very generous salary. The majority of working parents I know do not leave to collect children, they have someone do that for them. You were in a very privileged position to be able to do this so far and still have that option if that's what you want.

Agree with this.
I do pick ups one day a week with agreement and it can be problematic to do it every day in what sounds like a senior role I can see why they not keen
They are paying for your time and attention and have set their boundaries around working with dependent at home if you don't like their rules, which is their right to make, then it's not the company for you

I empathise with your position.
Single parent here too!

Your take home may not be that high after tax as a single parent and no child benefits etc.

I think you have to do the maths and see if it is cheaper to work less or pay childcare and work more.

Also is it worth spending less time with your child/children for the increased salary after tax?

There is a single parent penalty for sure. I mean working from home with some wrap around care is ok. If you have to add on a long commute back late then it’s too much/ childcare becomes difficult and expensive

. Well that’s my position anyway.

Do the math.
They are recruiting job of certain hours
You want less hours
They Pay you less.

Sounds like you have “equal” situation where you are … getting flexibility w similar pay,

The “working after” maybe not what they are looking for.

Also I have worked a long time …. and people ‘in work’ without kids are not working all day relentlessly in my experience so I don’t think nipping out for pick up is unreasonable x

When I didn't have kids, I had a job where most of my colleagues were women, and 95% of them had young children. It felt really unfair that those of us without kids were not afforded the same flexibility as the parents: being able to leave early to pick up or drop off kids, for school meetings, whenever their kids had a sniffle, got to stay home both for their own sick days as well as their children's, got first dips to choose when they wanted to take their days off...and they were allowed to work from home while the rest of us were stuck in the office. So, no, I think parents are being accomodated enough. For the salary you are looking at, I think your workplace are in their right to demand a little back from you.

You can't get childcare for secondary school kids and not all of them can get home alone. Plus, once they are home , you can crack on with work.

I work flexibly and luckily I can do this for most of the week.

Unfortunately I don't think you can get much more room for manoeuvre here.

I would try and think long term and think about work life balance/culture/commute. Might still be a good move with an opportunity to go up when your child is older.

And everyone saying it's nothing to do with motherhood are being a bit disingenuous. I have never met a single dad who does what I do as a single mum. It is rare and they get sympathy not scorn.

This. I loathe this victim mentality that so many women have. Pay up like everyone else for childcare or clubs. You’re just another applicant who the company needs a full day from. Nothing special about you that they have decided to penalise you. They require X hours and you can’t do that, they are accommodating YOU and you still complain.

It’s not just the pickup though, although having to avoid meetings every day after 3.30 would be a monumental problem where I work. It’s what happens after that. OP claims they go back to work, but presumably there’s childcare, dinner, bath, homework, dealing with issues ect? It’s just not the same as staying in the office until 6.

Exactly. The amount of time-wasting that happens in offices is staggering.

I remember hearing a businesswoman on Woman’s Hour, quite a few years ago, saying that she liked working mothers because they were extremely time-efficient because they always needed to leave on time. No fannying about and then staying later to make up the work missed.

The world has gone mad since Covid. So many entitled people thinking the world revolves around them and their childcare needs. Of course they’re not being unreasonable. If you can’t do the hours, don’t take the job and certainly don’t expect the full money for doing reduced hours whilst you sort out your childcare.

What other parent? It clearly says “DH is sadly no longer around to help”