Paying to attend Baby Shower?

[shyray62]

I might be a bit out of touch here - my baby shower was 8 year ago now - but I just feel that it’s a bit cheeky 😬

Group chat was created by mum to be’s sister inviting us all along to celebrate at a local tearooms. I said yes, would love to come.

Then we had the ridiculous gift list - everything very particular - with actual links to websites. We all had to say what we were buying so it could be crossed off the main list. Whatever, I chose something and that was that.

Just had a message to say that food will be £10 each and we need to pay cash on arrival. I mean, it’s been a month or so since people RSVPd and ‘chose’ their gift. And so now with this payment surprise thrown in, it would seem a little off to turn around and cancel? No one else seems to have an issue with it. Just so I’m not drip feeding, the tearooms is owned by a close family member and it’ll still be open to the public so they’re not paying to hire it out or anything.

It’s only a tenner and mum to be is a lovely friend so of course I will still go and have a nice time. BUT AIBU to find it all a bit cheeky and annoyed that it wasn’t mentioned to start with? I am by no means well off and can’t even buy a nice but cheaper gift as we had to choose something specific.

Absolutely agree.
I have had good friends/family having first grandchildren in the last year, none of this crass behaviour going on at all.

Totally cringe worthy.

I’ve never been to a baby shower, but if it’s an event and I’ve bought a gift (from a registry, as expected) then wouldn’t the food at least be free? I wouldn’t expect to pay for my food at a wedding or a birthday party on say, a function room at a hotel - it’s kind of a quid pro quo - the gift covers the cost of your attendance. If I was invited to a meal in a restaurant for a friend’s birthday then I would expect to pay for a gift and my meal. Weird, huh?!

The gift thing is tacky! However if the £10 is for food I would be on with it. Otherwise what’s the £10 for 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

You don't think it's grabby to 'expect' presents and then complain because there was some duplication among said presents?? Wow.

It's not about whether people find showers boring. Of course people 'traditionally bring gifts' to parties here, most of the time in fact, but a lot of us consider it presumptuous and grabby for someone to expect them, especially to the point of issuing instructions as to what gifts are and aren't acceptable. That's breathtakingly cheeky imho.

You might be surprised to hear that I have always bought gifts for friends who were expecting (as well as on other special occasions), because they are people I care about and I wanted to give them something, but none of those people had the nerve to issue a list of what they expected to be given. Would I still have got them something if they had? Probably, because they're my friends, but I would have considered it cheeky. Imo it's only acceptable to produce a list if people have specifically asked what someone would like, and the one time that has happened to me (in the run-up to our wedding) I still felt a bit grabby producing one tbh, as it felt like saying 'we expect a present' when all we really cared about was having them there to celebrate with us. I guess I just feel that gift-giving has become so formalised and transactional that it takes away some of the sentiment of the act.

Because we're expected to care about this kind of stuff and men aren't.

these days almost everyone will have a wish list - this will make life much easier for new mum knowing she’s going to get the useful things she wanted. it’s not cheeky to have one - and usually there would be an array of prices so you can choose what fits the budget for you. £10 for a meal is reasonable - i personally would also find it cheeky but it’s not a deal breaker.

It’s kind of an administrative burden / chore that takes up mental energy that men don’t have to think about

It is their party, that is why they are the host.

No one is forced to host a shower at a venue.

There is a difference between an occasion when presents are conventionally given, and expecting people to give you presents.

Requiring a gift is actually a payment, not a gift at all.

Normal to pay for food. Why should mum to be pay for it all ?

gift lists normal surely. So don’t get double and you get something the mum /baby wants

The point of a baby shower is to shower the mother-to-be with the things she needs for the baby. That's why it's a baby shower and not just lunch or whatever.

Here in the US you would not expect the guests to pay for the food. The hosts pay.

In my experience women are more into social networks, and also social negotiations around status. I wonder if these kinds of events are a reflection of that?

I doubt this. I don't think most men would care even if they were told to.

And why would women get so invested if it were just about social expectation?

Maybe if people had paid for their own food they would have turned up.

but that’s pretty horrible to have so many RSVPs and so many no shows.

baby showers are awful imho! Just feel so tacky and like so many other events getting so over the top! and gender reveals are the worst!!!

I love going to see baby when they are born and accepting visitors and much prefer to bring a gift then too.

having said that I have been to a few afternoon tea baby showers and a couple of ‘meals’ and just assumed there would be a cost (much like a hen do as opposed to a wedding), however when at someone’s house then no cost (but usually bring a bottle or something too - as you would any party).

If you're hosting on behalf of someone else, you shouldnt be forced to pay for it. The baby shower may be a surprise and if so they cant exactly expect the MTB to pay.
The host also may not have room to accommodate 25 guests, we dont all live in mansions or even want 25 women in our homes and having to clean up after them. No one is forcing you to go to a baby shower, and if you cant pay £10 to celebrate a loved ones baby then probably best you're not there.

Baby shower in the state I lived in in the USA.

Complete surprise organised by a close friend at work. Colleagues and volunteers seemed genuinely happy to be there, food was light finger food and free, no alcohol just soft drinks, and a wide range of gifts. Fun little snippets of low key advice on cards I received. As it was fairly large, hosted in a park ( for free.)

I went to a few baby showers and that's what they were all like. A few were potlucks

No elaborate gift list, no charge to attend.

But that was 16 years ago. Apparently things have gotten better - hosted in restaurants and costing money.

I think just like hen parties something that started off fun has been made too elaborate and involved now.

I first attended a baby shower 30 years ago, I don’t imagine it was the first to occur in history. I’m surprised so many people believe they weren’t a thing.

It’s not my thing so I didn’t bother but I’ve been to many. I can’t imagine describing my friends and family as ‘grabby’ or ‘tacky’, why are people spending time with grabby and tacky people?

I understand of course the OP’s shower wasn’t grabby……just her friend’s.

with friends like these hey…….

Yes, I know. That's exactly why it comes across as a gift grab.

But the person doesn't throw it for themselves so it's not a "gift grab." Your friends throw it for you because they want to.

But if the mum-to-be has a wish list, that indicates she’s expecting gifts regardless who’s actually throwing the shower.

The idea of having specific gifts you actually want I totally get, otherwise you end up with 296 0-3 month sleepsuits that end up in landfill having been worn once & it feels like a waste of money for people. When I was pregnant my close friends definitely knew there was a specific (pricy) baby carrier I wanted as I had held my friends baby in one & it was super comfy. They got everyone to chip in rather than go rogue with random stuff I might never use & got me the carrier “from everyone”. I would have expected to pay for lunch in a tea rooms but I can understand how lines blur if it’s a family members business. I think in that instance I would have expected to be told about costs upfront.

I see your point about baby showers in general but the lists are usually (speaking from creating my own) things the mum will buy regardless. And people will always ask ‘what would you like’ so the list is a handy way for you to compile what you want and if someone wishes to pick from that then they can and the rest you get yourself.

I have recently had my 2nd baby shower, an afternoon tea at somewhere local - but very nice. It was £35pp and all my guests paid for themselves? I think that is very common now. I did obviously state in the invite message how much this was, and in no way must anyone feel obliged to come (it was only 10 of us anyway) and i didn’t specify what gifts i wanted unless i was asked directly if i ‘needed’ anything in particular, and wouldn’t have even expected anything from people as just coming was enough. I did also provide gift bags for all the guests with little presents inside as a thank you.

If you were invited out for a meal for her birthday would you expect her to be paying for your 3 course meal? 100% not. It’s the same thing, you get the option of going to celebrate the mum to be and it’s on your terms if you can afford to go. I think the only cheeky or unreasonable thing would be for people to expect people to attend when they have to pay, but i suppose that depends on the mum to be.

I too live in the states, and this whole thing reeks of tackiness. Usually family members like the MTBs mother and mother in law put the shower on and pay for everything, including all of my own have been this way.

Then, having a list of gifts is often the norm, but everyone I know always has gifts that fit with every budget. And, we don’t have to report in on what gift we are buying. I like that you can put a complete list on Amazon, and if you buy off of the site it will mark the item off. But, you can also print off the list and then buy wherever you want. Here in the states I think you can pretty much buy anything like diapers, baby soap, etc… and most moms are grateful for whatever you buy. But, the best thing of all is that it isn’t about the gifts, it’s about everyone coming together to celebrate the MTB and soon to be baby!!