Paying to attend Baby Shower?

[shyray62]

I might be a bit out of touch here - my baby shower was 8 year ago now - but I just feel that it’s a bit cheeky 😬

Group chat was created by mum to be’s sister inviting us all along to celebrate at a local tearooms. I said yes, would love to come.

Then we had the ridiculous gift list - everything very particular - with actual links to websites. We all had to say what we were buying so it could be crossed off the main list. Whatever, I chose something and that was that.

Just had a message to say that food will be £10 each and we need to pay cash on arrival. I mean, it’s been a month or so since people RSVPd and ‘chose’ their gift. And so now with this payment surprise thrown in, it would seem a little off to turn around and cancel? No one else seems to have an issue with it. Just so I’m not drip feeding, the tearooms is owned by a close family member and it’ll still be open to the public so they’re not paying to hire it out or anything.

It’s only a tenner and mum to be is a lovely friend so of course I will still go and have a nice time. BUT AIBU to find it all a bit cheeky and annoyed that it wasn’t mentioned to start with? I am by no means well off and can’t even buy a nice but cheaper gift as we had to choose something specific.

I think it's bad manners for the mother-to-be to have a registry or wish list, personally, because regardless whether someone else is throwing the shower for her, it reveals that she is expecting presents and thus reveals the shower for what it is - a gift grab. I don't know why anyone's pretending otherwise.

I've only been to 1 baby shower. We had afternoon tea in a venue where I paid for my afternoon tea. I'm not sure why you would expect anything else to be honest. And a tenner is well cheap!

That said, I wasn't presented with a gift list. I'm not I bought anything in fact. Maybe sormone organised something and I chipped in. Let's hope so 😳! It was about 15 years ago and I'd never heard of them and no one else I know has had one since.

I think that it's possible to throw something like this well, but usually it's tacky.

If it had been presented as - we'd like to have a little get together for our friend X who is having a baby, how would you feel about each chipping in to have a tea so no one has to host, I think that would be fine and mainly people would be happy to do it.

As far as gifts, I still feel that fundamentally asking/assuming people will give you gifts puts the wrong spin on things, and while a list can be helpful it's something that should be given when requested rather than up front.

The main reason to do a registry is to avoid things like getting six baby monitors, so fine. I've known showers where the host managed that issue, or coordinated the group purchasing one more expensive item like a car seat. But telling people what colours and exact things to buy is rude and tacky. If you are that picky specify no gifts.

The gift list was perhaps a bit unnecessary but I would expect to pay for my own food. Who would foot the bill otherwise?

Well since it’s in a tearoom that still open to the public I’d expect to be buying food anyway as it’s not a catered event. I’d say £10 is a good deal, so no, not cheeky in this instance.

I think you been a bit precious

You'd pay on a hen doo for your food and drinks

The gift list idea is rude if it's super expensive gifts but if it's just little bits in a set theme I suppose it's ok

I'd say with the tearoom only coming to £10 a head that the family member who owns it has subsidized that pricing. So you are probably getting a good deal there, even if it doesn't feel like it.

I think the (now rather distant) origin of the custom is from quite close knit communities where people would help set up the new mother with the things really needed for the baby. And often they'd have events like this as potlucks too. People wouldn't bring specific things on a list, much of it would be basics that may well have been made at home.

In the context of a small village where everyone knows the family and they support each other, and where young couples starting off have little, it makes sense and is rather lovely.

It makes less sense as it's been modernized and commercialized.

I hosted a baby shower for my sister at a tearoom. There were 25 of us, would you really have expected me to foot a £500 bill (food, decor, room hire etc) to throw a baby shower for my sister? I paid for all the decorations and room hire as thats definitely expected, so it already cost a lot for that, but to expect not to pay for your own food in a hired venue is really ungrateful. We did however tell people the cost from day one of being invited and they could choose not to come.
Completely different if being hosted at someones home, no I wouldnt pay to attend that. But surely at a venue you can see why you would pay for your own food!

I mean - no? If someone invites you out to a party, they are the host. It doesn't matter where you have the event. Weddings are often at hotels, you don't expect to pay for your food there.

If you can't afford to host an event at a venue, you have it at home.

Of course she’s expecting presents - that’s the point of a baby shower! Does the UK not have any occasions where it’s common knowledge that guests traditionally bring gifts?

Some people in the US find baby showers boring, but because the attendees are presumably close to the mother-to-be and want to give her gifts for her first baby, people here aren’t offended to be invited. If you get invited to one and find it to be in bad taste, do everyone else a favor and send your regrets.

Weddings are completely different as thats always been the etiquette. And a party also isnt the same as its usually a buffet. And those things are hosted by the one who is celebrating!
Baby showers are hosted by someone else on behalf of the MTB so no they shouldnt have to foot the bill if its not even their party.

My general feeling is, if I’m attending an event where I am expected to bring a gift (wedding, birthday party, baby shower) then I don’t expect to pay to attend as well. If it’s more of a get together and no gifts are expected (such as a group meal) then I expect to pay for my food. I’ve organised a couple of baby showers and always paid for the food, games, favours etc.

I’m so grateful i appear to be from an era / friends group that didn’t have baby showers, I didn’t have one and I’ve never been to one! A gift list can be a good idea, but here it feels like there’s an expectation of a level of purchase which would annoy me

Of course she’s expecting presents - that’s the point of a baby shower! Does the UK not have any occasions where it’s common knowledge that guests traditionally bring gifts?
Yes, after the birth of a baby when visiting being one of them. There is no UK tradition of baby showers, only what's been imported. And in the process turned into this kind of event where you are expected to pay for your own food and drinks and buy a present for an event that most people don't want to go to at all because it isn't traditional.

I think if you invite people to your home/a friend hosts then I'd not pay for food, but you're basically all going out for food, so then I would expect to pay. I had a baby shower (very small, few close friends and afternoon tea), they all actually covered me when the bill arrived which was lovely- I'd have been super surprised if the bill had arrived and they'd all looked to me! It's obviously all been handled a bit badly and a bit gift-grabby (I didn't ask for any gifts), but I guess who else would pay for your food? The person who owns the tearoom or the mother to be (trust me she has lots of big bills coming because babies are not cheap!) So I think the only option that's fair is everyone to pay for themselves tbh

Perfectly normal - usually only mum to be doesn't pay!

Me too!!

I completely agree with you regards to having to pay to attend. If they can’t afford to host a shower then don’t have one! Seems a rather tacky way to ask for presents really. And drum up business for the family owned tearoom! Surely they could chip in and discount the event or put it on for free/cover the cost as their/family gift.

Did they seriously have a baby monitor on the list? The absolute neck of that!

I had one in my mum's house and we put on a very extravagant spread; my mum paid for most of the food and cakes and I prepared loads of nice salads to go with it and did jugs of virgin and alcohol cocktails. My two friends who organised it sent me away for an hour while they decorated the garden and got it all ready. It was fab, I don't think I could have enjoyed it more.

Coming up to the shower most of my mum friends contacted me with questions like "do you want my breast pump / baby bath?" and three grouped together to buy me a bag. I did get some new gifts but it was things like a packet of bibs or nappies. Did you not have these choices on your list?

I see the shower as a lovely way for women to come together, share their recommendations with mum to be and have a laugh.

None of my friends are short on money particularly but everyone always passed on stuff if it was still good. At some point it would wear out , then you'd buy a new version and pass it on to the next person. I know not all groups operate like this but it did feel nice to be part of.

Any other showers I went to were very similar and lots of fun. It's basically a leisurely lunch in somebody's house, some specified being a cake or a salad plus a gift.

I have been invited to a few similar to what you described but they weren't remotely close friends and I recoiled at the gift list for a person I barely knew and declined.

I had a strange experience once, not CF territory but kind of odd communication; our friend Hayley got married and I went along as part of a friend group of 8 to her hen party where we met her two oldest friends the bridesmaids (who refused to speak to each other) Sarah and Kathryn. That was the total hen party. It was brilliant fun and we got on fine with the two bridesmaids, only seeing them once more at the wedding.

Hayley announced her pregnancy a year later then six months later Sarah contacted only three of us saying she wanted to spoil mum to be and was taking her to a very expensive spa for a massage etc then they'd be having afternoon tea. She said she knew Hayley would love if we dropped when they were having the afternoon tea.

We all live in very expensive city and this was our most upmarket 5* hotel. I lived nearby and often came in for a coffee. Two of said we would love to and arrived in. Hayley was thrilled to see us as Sarah predicted. Good vibes all round.

Then this is where it got weird. Sarah summoned over the waiter and started offering us stuff "what do you mean you're just having coffee, you will have the afternoon tea, it's spectacular, ok one between you both then but (with a wink at the waiter) make them champagne ones bring an extra champagne and we will order a separate chicken sandwich because it's the best part of the tea" etc etc.

So she never said "this is my treat" but had certainly assumed the role of host. Of course you know how the story ends; we all got presented with the bill and an assumption we would split it including Hayley's. Like fools we just beamed and said thank you so much for including us, let me get my card then straight out the door to a reasonable priced pub, ordered drinks then turned red-faced to each other with one of us (can't remember who) saying "I'm so embarrassed, I thought we were being treated and I really couldn't afford it".

Not in my eyes. If you host a party, you pay for the party!

Mum to be should be funding it, or her/husbands family.

Do you also expect to pay to attend weddings, funerals, bar mitzvah’s?!

It’s so entitled to throw a party for yourself and expect everyone to pay to attend.

OP - don’t buy anything else. When you visit the baby, a card is sufficient as you’ve already gifted.

I would have no issue with the £10 because to me it’s only £10 and it’s within budget. But agree that the way it has been handled is a bit cheeky. If they wanted you to pan they should have been upfront about it not waited until everyone had purchased gifts.

If money is a bit tight take the gift back, buy something more affordable and contribute the tenner.

YANBU for what it’s worth.

It def is a bit cheeky not to say it all upfront as now you have committed by paying for things.

I cannot understand how people don't see how rude it is to out mega expensive presents on wish lists. Surely opening a gofund me so people can tailor what they want to spend is more realistic.

A relative of ours had items for £50 and above on hers when they had never given us or ours any gifts when we had kids. I refused to play ball. A token gift or being able to contribute towards a bigger pressie, fine.

The thing that cracks me up is they probably wouldn't buy it themselves but expect their hairdressers sister to spend that on them.
It isn't even the value, it is the presumption that others should do it.

All Americanised c%*p if you ask me. Greedy culture taking over UK. Glad you've posted this, if I'm invited to one I'll turn it down 🤣. I'm happy to buy a new baby gifts but not in that way.

I don’t know if it’s unreasonable but I often wonder why women’s lives are more complicated than men’s in such ways.