Paying to attend Baby Shower?

[shyray62]

I might be a bit out of touch here - my baby shower was 8 year ago now - but I just feel that it’s a bit cheeky 😬

Group chat was created by mum to be’s sister inviting us all along to celebrate at a local tearooms. I said yes, would love to come.

Then we had the ridiculous gift list - everything very particular - with actual links to websites. We all had to say what we were buying so it could be crossed off the main list. Whatever, I chose something and that was that.

Just had a message to say that food will be £10 each and we need to pay cash on arrival. I mean, it’s been a month or so since people RSVPd and ‘chose’ their gift. And so now with this payment surprise thrown in, it would seem a little off to turn around and cancel? No one else seems to have an issue with it. Just so I’m not drip feeding, the tearooms is owned by a close family member and it’ll still be open to the public so they’re not paying to hire it out or anything.

It’s only a tenner and mum to be is a lovely friend so of course I will still go and have a nice time. BUT AIBU to find it all a bit cheeky and annoyed that it wasn’t mentioned to start with? I am by no means well off and can’t even buy a nice but cheaper gift as we had to choose something specific.

The wishlist would annoy me a lot. It seems people mainly have baby showers so they don't have to buy things for their baby rather than allowing people to choose their own gifts (or not). Some of them are less a celebration of pregnancy and more a gift-giving ceremony.
I think the £10 for food is ok, it's not extortionate and you're paying for food rather than to actually attend. But that definitely should've been mentioned up front

I've been to two recently. One was in the mum to be's home and organised by her sister. We were given cakes and nibbles and drinks, all lovely.

The second was in a restaurant and we paid for our meal. I wouldn't expect the mum to be to pay, it would be far too expensive for her.
Neither baby shower had a gift list, I think that's really cheeky. People brought gifts of clothes or things they knew the mum hadn't yet got.

If you think the other guests are going to judge you for what you but they sound as awful as the host and a whole group you're better off out of.

Another reason to ditch the baby shower bollocks and go down the traditional route of sending or showing up with a gift after the baby is born.

Yep, I have to say I’m in this camp. My kids are teens and tweens now, and baby showers just weren’t really a thing when I had them.

what I don’t understand is, if you buy a gift for the shower, do you then buy another once the baby is born? Is that the deal?

if people want to get together and go for a nice meal or whatever that’s fair enough, but I think baby showers with colour themes, and balloon arches and gift lists and all that are a bit bonkers. All seems very commercialised.
And don’t get me started on ‘gender reveal’ parties… 🤣

I’m clearly menopausal and miserable, but that’s fine by me…

Yep, don’t go, I hate these things always mind numbing drivel chat, just send money

This is exactly what i do - i have never been nor never will be at a baby shower. Thankfully my only sis agrees with me and refused to have one.

I had my kids before baby showers were a thing in the UK but I think it’s fairly common for guests to pay for their own food. It’s more like a hen night than a wedding, IYSWIM.

Gift lists are a bit tacky (although personally welcome- makes life easier for me).

£10 sounds reasonable. Do you know what sort of food is being provided? I haven't long been to a baby shower and we all paid for our food and drinks. The gift list this is always a bit 🙄 in my opinion.

I agree with you. My understanding is that the hosts of the baby shower inviting you to attend and celebrate the impending birth of their baby, traditionally pay. So this wouldn’t necessarily be the to be mom but often hosts are sister, aunts, cousins who may chip in together to cover costs of food, venue etc.

It just seems these days, people keep the traditional aspects that suits them eg the actual baby shower part and gift list but the ‘inconvenient’ bits of actually paying for said shower they offload onto their guests which is likely why older people generally see them as ‘grabby’.

Flaming Nora.Another American stupid idea.
Just don't go.
Buy the baby a gift voucher or a baby grow and that's it.
It's getting ridiculous now

If it was in a tearoom I would expect to pay, if it was in their house/a hired hall I wouldn't.
I would be annoyed by the gift list.
I actually think baby showers are an American invention that we don't need here and I prefer to wait until the baby is born before buying a gufty.

Gift list is grabby. Even for weddings I think it grabby.

The only gracious way to host stuff like this is to invite people to celebrate with you, saying no gifts are necessary. Some people will choose to gift things anyway, and the receiver can say thank you, decide if they'd like to keep it or quietly donate it to charity/shelter/etc if not.

Imagine specifying what sort of patterns you will or will not accept on muslins gifted to you. Beggars belief! Accept what people offer with grace.

always paid for my own meal or afternoon tea. Obviously if at someone’s house wouldn’t be expected to contribute to nibbles being put out.

gifts lists are grabby though

You couldn't pay me to go to a baby shower, let alone expect me to pay to attend one.

You don’t think it’s cheeky to ask for presents in the first place?

Or (novel idea) the expectant mother just doesn't have a baby shower.

I have never been to a baby shower but have seen enough US tv to think (and I maybe wrong) that they normally are hosted by the mtb's friend of family in their home so food costs are covered. by them.

It seems we have taken the idea and changed it a bit so now you have to buy gift and food.

And in no time you have spent £50-100 for a gift and tea. I have stopped joining.

I’m with you OP in that I’d never host an event and expect guests I’ve invited to pay. But I’m happy to pay at others’ events. It’s pretty commonly done. A tenner isn’t too much hopefully but they should have said right from the start. That cost and another for a gift adds up, especially when money is tight.

I’d also never do any kind of gift registry but can see how they help others not have multiples of gifts. We didn’t mention gifts on our wedding invitation as we both agreed it’s really not us and it feels quite bold to me - just my opinion!

When dd had a baby shower she asked people to buy a book of their choice, new or secondhand, and write a message in it to the baby.
More personal and took note of everyone’s different circumstances.

Having a specific wish list is beyond tacky imo.
Surely friends and family will offer to buy gifts if they want to.

I'm American and if you give the mom-to-be a gift at the shower you do not give a gift when the baby is born. The idea is for the mom to get the gifts early so that she can prepare in advance for the new arrival.

People around here expect a gift at babyshower, newborn gift, baby's christening and baby's 1st birthday.
It has become quite expensive tbh.

Yep. I don’t get why parents-to-be would want to wait until after the baby is born to get gifts. Let’s say you need crib sheets/cot sheets and you have no idea if anyone will gift you some, so you buy them yourself. Then the baby’s born, and, surprise! Three people give them to you, so now you’ve got more than you need and you wasted money buying some yourself.

Besides, if you get gifts before the baby is born, you can send thank-you notes before the baby is born, and not have to think about it while you’re leaking milk and sleep-deprived.

Of course you would expect to pay for food, I have only been to a couple of baby showers thankfully, one of which was a pre ordered afternoon tea so everyone paid the same (plus covered the mum to be) and another was a meal where everyone ordered their own food and paid for themselves.
I think a gift list is helpful, again one baby shower I went to did this and a group of us clubbed together to buy a bigger item. Surely this is better than lots of people buying the same small items.
When the baby was born I then only bought a small gift (a book I believe).

Lovely idea but my only worry would be duplicates of Guess How Much I Love You etc. My DD has a copy for her room, downstairs and her pram! 😁