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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to attend Baby Shower?

129 replies

shyray62 · 12/05/2025 13:16

I might be a bit out of touch here - my baby shower was 8 year ago now - but I just feel that it’s a bit cheeky 😬

Group chat was created by mum to be’s sister inviting us all along to celebrate at a local tearooms. I said yes, would love to come.

Then we had the ridiculous gift list - everything very particular - with actual links to websites. We all had to say what we were buying so it could be crossed off the main list. Whatever, I chose something and that was that.

Just had a message to say that food will be £10 each and we need to pay cash on arrival. I mean, it’s been a month or so since people RSVPd and ‘chose’ their gift. And so now with this payment surprise thrown in, it would seem a little off to turn around and cancel? No one else seems to have an issue with it. Just so I’m not drip feeding, the tearooms is owned by a close family member and it’ll still be open to the public so they’re not paying to hire it out or anything.

It’s only a tenner and mum to be is a lovely friend so of course I will still go and have a nice time. BUT AIBU to find it all a bit cheeky and annoyed that it wasn’t mentioned to start with? I am by no means well off and can’t even buy a nice but cheaper gift as we had to choose something specific.

OP posts:
TY78910 · 12/05/2025 13:21

I think the way it was handled maybe but being of an age where everyone around me is having babies, including myself, I’ve been to a fair few baby showers recently. Wishlists are normal - you aren’t necessarily required to follow the wishlist but most do as it’s easier. Appreciate that the instructions were to choose, but I’m sure if you said I already sorted the present outside of this nobody would care. It’s also expected to pay your space if it’s something like an afternoon tea or a dinner, but if it’s a BBQ in someone’s garden then not so much.

TakeMeDancing · 12/05/2025 13:22

I went to one in a private area of a restaurant, and we all paid for the food—it wasn’t elaborate. Who would have paid for it otherwise? The new mum? The friend organising?

There wasn’t a list of items we were required to buy from though…

Sofiewoo · 12/05/2025 13:25

If someone is hosting and providing food and drink it wouldn’t bother me, I don’t think any one person is obligated to be on the hook for the cost just to have a get together with friends and family.

Exasperated24 · 12/05/2025 13:26

Well obviously if they’re having the shower at a venue where you’d pay for food, you’d be, er, paying for the food 🤦‍♀️

Rude to be specifying what gifts they’d want you to buy though.

Ladamesansmerci · 12/05/2025 13:26

I think it's standard to pay for your own afternoon tea or etc tbh.

I find wishlist a bit much tbh, especially if the things on it are expensive. I just had a buffet in my parent's garden (which obviously no one paid for) and made it clear gifts weren't expected, but that if people want to get something, get practical things like nappies/clothes, etc. Not everyone can afford fancy baby clothes or whatever, but most people can afford some nappies or some baby shampoo.

OliveSummer · 12/05/2025 13:28

The gift lists are very common and I think they're a great idea actually. Any shower I've been to that's had a gift registry like that has had items to suit all budgets - so everything from muslins/dummy packs up to baby carriers. So as long as it isn't all super expensive I can't see the issue there.

Moveoverdarlin · 12/05/2025 13:29

I think this is the norm for baby showers. Most go for afternoon tea and guests all pay for their own.

If it was in someone’s house then it’s different but yeah of course you pay for your own food and drink in a restaurant/ cafe. What do you think should happen? The Mum to be pays for everyone?

Catwoman8 · 12/05/2025 13:31

It's standard to pay for your food at a venue, although they should have told you the cost of that upfront.

The gift list is cheeky and entitled and that would annoy me.

OliveSummer · 12/05/2025 13:37

It's really interesting that some people find the gift lists so rude. Is it not better that couples can ask for things they may really need or want? As long as all budgets are taken into account of course.

(I didn't have a list at mine so no skin in the game, just interested in the strength of some reactions!)

MrsSunshine2b · 12/05/2025 13:37

I think if it's at a tearooms I would have assumed I had to pay for the food, although I can understand it's a bit of a grey area as the family owns the tearooms.

HiRen · 12/05/2025 13:40

I hate these things, but in your shoes I’d give the gift you’ve chosen, stay quiet on the WhatsApp and message friend separately saying something has regrettably come up, you can’t join the actual shower but you’ll visit her at a convenient time before/after the birth. Bring “told” to do things like this doesn’t work on me.

YankSplaining · 12/05/2025 13:41

Can’t say how this is viewed in the UK, but making people pay to attend a baby shower would be considered tacky in the US. The cost is why baby showers often have more than one host - who, traditionally, are not supposed to be the MTB’s close family. Aunts or cousins hosting is okay, sister hosting is not.

The wishlist/registry is so you have an idea of what they actually need, and you don’t have to buy a gift from it - although if you do, it should get crossed off the main list so they don’t end up with more than they need.

LemonLimeOrangeKiwi · 12/05/2025 13:41

Not really surprising you have to pay - baby showers are grabby events full stop.

TakeMeDancing · 12/05/2025 13:42

OliveSummer · 12/05/2025 13:37

It's really interesting that some people find the gift lists so rude. Is it not better that couples can ask for things they may really need or want? As long as all budgets are taken into account of course.

(I didn't have a list at mine so no skin in the game, just interested in the strength of some reactions!)

I have no issue with optional gift registries which cater to every budget. OP describes the list as ridiculous and gives the impression that guests were chased down to confirm what they had bought.

Original poster
shyray62 · 12/05/2025 13:50

Yes I think it was the way it was handled that annoyed me the most… with regards to paying - I did assume food was being provided for by the family as they own the tearoom as no payment was mentioned until everyone had already agreed to come and ‘chosen’ their gift. My cousin had a small baby shower which I organised and I was fully prepared to pay for the food as surely if I’m inviting people to an event, you don’t throw them with a bill for it too? It’s like inviting people to a wedding and then, on top of the gift, expecting them to pay for their food too?
I’m honestly happy to go and pay and celebrate mum and baby but it just baffled me a little bit tbh. Seems I’m in the minority 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
HunnyPot · 12/05/2025 13:51

They invited you, they should pay. The gift is more than enough.

Original poster
shyray62 · 12/05/2025 13:53

With regards to the gift list, it was VERY specific. Muslins with no patterns and if they are patterned, they must be neutral and only in neutral colours, for example. Kind of taken the joy out of it. I also usually like to buy something for mum too but I feel a bit like I daren’t in case I get it wrong.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 12/05/2025 13:56

Everything about it tacky as fuck.

Having a baby shower in the first place
Having it in a paid for venue
Passing that cost onto invitees
Having a prescriptive gift list

Why would you want to go and support this shit? It just legitimises really poor behaviour.

Plus the gift list sounds awful anyway. Only neutral coloured muslins? So dull.

user2848502016 · 12/05/2025 13:58

I wouldn’t mind paying towards my food. They should have said the cost upfront though, and the gift thing is unreasonable

ttcat37 · 12/05/2025 13:59

The overly specific list is rude, but I would expect to pay for my own food and drink if just going out for a meal. Mum to be should have said no gifts if she’s fussy. I’m fussy and said please don’t buy anything, we have everything etc.

MidnightPatrol · 12/05/2025 13:59

I wouldn’t mind paying a tenner towards the cost of the event, in the spirit of it being friends throwing a party for the mum-to-be.

A gift lift with specific items on it I find quite crass though. I don’t really understand the expectation everyone else buys items for your baby - not the same as a gift to celebrate.

Lotsofsnacks · 12/05/2025 14:00

OliveSummer · 12/05/2025 13:37

It's really interesting that some people find the gift lists so rude. Is it not better that couples can ask for things they may really need or want? As long as all budgets are taken into account of course.

(I didn't have a list at mine so no skin in the game, just interested in the strength of some reactions!)

Gift lists are fine if the items are within the realms of what the people she’s inviting to it’s budget.

Original poster
shyray62 · 12/05/2025 14:04

Gifts do range in budget but then everyone knows if you’re being a tight arse or not when you either say ‘I’ll get a pack of bodysuits’ or ‘I’ll get the baby monitor’ 🤦‍♀️ feels a bit embarrassing

OP posts:
Cakeandcardio · 12/05/2025 14:05

Well it is rude. End of. JThe people hosting should have put on some sandwiches / sausage rolls etc. You wouldn't expect to pay to attend a child's birthday party but I suppose it is the way of the world now with everyone wanting to have big, elaborate events but they can't afford them.

ChristmaslightsuptilJanuary · 12/05/2025 14:05

So glad I and my peers reproduced before all this baby shower bollocks. It's utterly cringe.