Male colleague needs part time working mum to take care of 1 child

[colleg]

I was talking to a colleague recently and it came up that we both had sons who are 3 years old. I also have a 5 year old daughter.

my colleague was saying that he could never do the job ( the same job I do ), if his wife didn’t work very very part time around the needs of their 3 year old.

I was pretty shocked he said that to me. Isn’t it funny how a man can take such huge liberties and convince his wife that she can’t possibly work full time / she has to be the full time default parent for their 1 child, while there’s a woman standing next to him, who has two kids, does the same job as him and is also the default parent !

and before you start, no the child does not have special needs. It really does seem that this colleague needs his wife’s support to do the job I do, with two kids in tow.

it’s a high pressured job, but it’s a desk job. We aren’t going out to fields, farming the land or working in construction. We aren’t nurses or doctors on shift work. We have a 9-5 desk job in essence. And we also work from home, for most of the week.

…or just not agreeing with you.

Presumably you're paying someone else to do the childcare that his part time wife covers. I'm not really sure why you think that gives you the moral high ground.

Essentially, someone needs to do the child related tasks whilst the working people work. For some people taking a hit on one salary is the preferred option, for others they prefer to buy in help. Neither option is superior to the other.

No-one, male or female, can successfully simultaneously provide childcare and work.

Everyone’s family af what works for them is different. I have a 9-5 office job and I can’t do nursery pick ups as I get home at around 5.45 and she finishes at 5. He leaves for work at 4.30 and finishes earlier so he can pick her her up and take her home and make dinner for us all for me getting home. I couldn’t do my job without him, not because my job is so stressful or I don’t parent my child, we just work as a team.

Well done you on being able to do it all and not having some give in any part of your life due to being a full time working parent. Some can ‘have it all’ and some find it a bit harder and there’s nothing wrong with that

I think a similar issue is when a child is sick and cannot go to school/nursery, many men would claim to have such important jobs that they can't take time off. With the assumption that the mother can take time off as her job isn't as important. Whereas when you actually work with one of them you realise that it is simply not true. And nowadays most desk jobs can be done from home so that's not even an excuse any more.

You do you op. Him and his wife decided to prioritise being with the child instead of her working full time. You can’t be at two places in the same time. Either you’re working or being with your child. She wants to be with her child instead of leaving in in a nursery the full day.

Good on the wife for going away for a few days!

I always wonder this about my DHs job. Is it really so busy and important that he can't clean a toilet?! I doubt it.
A man on my team definitely tells his wife how busy he is at work but I know the truth.
I don't think it's uncommon. They don't expect to have to do 'mothering duties' so their work fills their time (in their head).

What a nasty post.

But could it be that he actually struggles doing the same job as you? Has to work harder to get to the same standard?

OP literally mentioned that the colleague’s child also goes to nursery (“he then went on to explain how his wife was going away for a few days and how he was going to start going with her to pick up the son and spend a bit more time with him, so he gets used to him […] he’s never picked his son up from nursery?”), if you hadn’t been so busy scrambling to get the digs about leaving your child at nursery all day in.

Im a full time medic with three children. I often see on here posts from people with medic DHs who can't possibly get out of the office on time and who have to go back in regularly on weekends when not on call and not doing waiting lists, just to catch up. Or who lock themselves away in their home office for the evenings to keep up.

Absolute bullshit. I know no one who needs to do this in real life, least of all me

They avoid doing any sort of parenting g and their families think they're ever so busy and important. Win win. I think some people then start to believe their own hype

But we don't know that is what he is doing and we dont know his wife isnt happy with the set up...he may have suggested she get a job and she chose not to. And if she or other women in the situation aren't happy with the status quo then they need to speak up and discuss ways of making changes.

Im the higher earner in our house and I used to work shifts. We had a chat and decided my husband would work less hours and work his hours around mine to manage that. I wasn't weaponising my career, we were doing what was best to for it to work at that time and my husband was on board with that

My dp has said before that me being part time enables him to work. The reason being we live in an area where childcare places are like hens teeth and prohibitively expensive. If I were to up and leave, he'd be fucked. He does work from home too though and probably does about 60% of the school runs.
For that man to say his son "has to get used to him" is a bit odd.

Bet his wife has posted on here complaining about him 😆 He sounds like a crap husband and father

My male cousin was forced to take sole custody of his son, following the child's mum getting sectioned.

My dad said, "I mean, how on earth can he have him full time? He works."

🤬🤯

I think it's nice that he appreciates his wife.

Why didn't he change jobs when he became a father?

This man you speak of, is his wife the type that wants to share the labour of childcare, or does she have rigid views about what is her work and what is his?

Lots of men think this way - and it's mainly men - I've had more than one man mention how he's working late so he can miss bedtime on purpose.

I just think an awful lot of them are incredibly selfish and can't imagine putting in the effort for someone else (and getting nothing for it).

My ex was certainly that way - there's another thread right now with a bloke who went to a VE day picnic with his family and was moody the whole time because he didn't want to be there - my ex did exactly that. I took the kids on days out alone so many times because he couldn't even be bothered to do that for them (it's not like I really enjoyed CBeebies land, but the kids did, and I enjoy and love my kids)

This is the same thing. The idea of putting their career second, or putting themselves out after a day at work when they can have their wife do it just doesn't compute.

And the injustice of it all is why I find it much easier being a single parent and doing it all than doing it all whilst watching him do nothing.

Exactly this.

Me and DH both work fairly low demand jobs. He works early shifts 5 days a week, often works from home. I do standard 9-5, 4 days a week from the office. Neither places of work are a big commute from home.

We're not exactly rolling in it (no we do not "top up" with benefits, as people for some reason assume me must?) but we're not rushing around like headless chickens feeling constantly stressed or in a rush either. We just couldn't do it, we know we couldn't and so we don't. Granted DH and DS (5) are both autistic and DS needs a lot of support before and after school plus in the night still, which is a massive reason I'm still part time and why dh sticks at this job, as it means ds doesn't need to be at school any longer than necessary.

But even if he was absolutely fine and sleeping 7-7 with no appointments or endless forms or whatever, it doesn't mean we should be made to feel "less" just because we maybe want things to be a bit easier.

Yes, I’m not sure why people see getting defensive. OP isn’t objecting to SAHPs. “Weaponising a career” is a good description of it.
I see it all the time as well. Male partners where I work saying they couldn’t possibly do their job without their wife staying at home, while the female partners never have a SAHH. No one is saying that it isn’t potentially easier for the male partners who have someone at home. But to say to their female equivalent “I couldn’t possibly do a good job at work without this help at home” is weird.

Some men also use these comparisons as a way to criticise their wives in a way I think they think other women will be flattered by. “I don’t know how you do it, my wife couldn’t possibly manage ha ha ha” 🤮🤮🤮

People have different priorities don't they. I'm sure he's well aware that he could do his job if she worked full time, but they prefer not to.

You only know what the job is like, you have idea how different your demands and support are outside of work.
He clearly appreciates the contributions and sacrifices his wife makes, and that's great.
Both parents working full time, kids in childcare all day, rushing around all the time isn't ideal in my opinion. If they don't have to financially, it's a valid choice to make.

Alarmingly common in my experience, the expectation that wives will be the ones to lose earnings, lose pension pot, lose independence so that daddy’s job can be unaffected.

Although slightly more common is the ‘performance dad’ who bleats on all the time about needing to do the school run. For him, it is a kudos thing, for a woman that’s much more difficult.

I think some workplaces treat men differently. I remember my poor BIL getting it in the neck when his DC was ill just after his wife started a new job. His boss just kept on saying "shouldn't your wife be looking after them?" when he was off work 🙄.

I feel like it is a very UK (and maybe other wealthier countries too) mindset. I was very surprised about how common part-time work is here, like they couldn’t possibly cope otherwise. It’s so ingrained that I’m not surprised men can’t also see beyond that.

A lot of people say they couldn't do things that they could do or many people do. It normally mean my life would be much harder and I prefer it like this.

I have a disabled child and lots of people say they couldn't do x y z and I think well you could and if your child was like this you'd have to.

But we have no idea if his wife feels forced to be part time due to his 'big job" and his lack of wanting to do more or if she wanted to be part time, or it was forced by a different level of earning and cost or availability of childcare issue.

Doesn't she have it better than you though? She gets to work part time and spend time with her children because he thinks that's its not fair or reasonable for her to work full time? You're the default parent AND you work full time. I don't knownwhy you're giving him a hard time, maybe it's your DH you should be having a word to