Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

This is completely true, but by the same token their time their choice. None of you owe each other anything and maybe they don’t like you. You can’t change them.

focus on yourself but you may need to consider your relationship with them
might have been better if you’d shared the inheritance a bit?

Well, you are dramatic. The fact that you don't see this is even more dramatic then you being dramatic.

why do you feel the need to point out other's mistakes then? seeing as you suffer greatly from low self esteem, it seems odd you'd pick up on these small things and highlight them

Reading your OP made me look for this story for you @SansaStark90

"A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.
The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.
Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey.
The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.
Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”
The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”
—
This simple Zen story has a beautiful message about living in the present moment. How often do we carry around past hurts, holding onto resentments when the only person we are really hurting is ourselves.
We all go through times in life when other people say things or behave in a way that is hurtful towards us. We can chose to ruminate over past actions or events, but it will ultimately weigh us down and sap our energy.
Instead we can choose to let go of what doesn’t serve us anymore and concentrate on the present moment. Until we can find a level of peace and happiness in the present circumstances of our lives, we will never be content, because ‘now’ is all we will ever have."

Why is there such an entitlement that if people inherit money they should share it out. Be honest, most people wouldn't - especially if it was a cousin you aren't close to. The OP shared with her brother. Did he give any of his half to his cousins? I bet he didn't.

I know I'll be flamed for this, but I am going to say it because I really do care and it's rather obvious: you should get yourself assessed for autism. Not saying you have it, saying there's enough there to give very serious thought to assessment.

@SansaStark90 yes, you are dramatic. And self pitying. Which has a time and a place.

Given how unhappy you are with life, perhaps it’s time for a little less of that and a bit more honesty and action.

sure. you say that, but when you're ACTUALLY given £300,000 from an uncle who gave it only to you...you'd likely have the attitude "well ,he left it to ME,, so why should I share it?"

it is very easy to spend/give away other people's money...

Very poignant. I guess what you are saying is that the cousins should let it go that they weren't left any of the inheritance and move on.

That is bloody awful. Hugs.

What job and home you have are not important. Who you are as a person is. I want to kick your Mom in the arse.

Do you have friends/other supports in your life?

@SipandClean yes ideally everyone would move on. But we only have OP’s impression that the cousins are resentful of the inheritance and that’s why they are more distant. It’s also possible the fact OP makes no effort directly with them or may behave towards them as she has to posters on here makes them keep their distance.

We can chose to ruminate over past actions

Tough one that alright.

The conversation has taken a downward turn hasn't it?

I agree with others - you are seeing these two events (and no doubts others) through the lens of depression and low self -esteem. I really hope that you have spoken to your GP about medication and a therapy referral?

I think your mum isn’t fond of tattoos, but understood why you might want one to cover a scar. I think she was trying to be supportive. If you’d said you were going to get a tattoo sleeve on a perfectly unscarred arm, you’d have go the same response as your brother.

Re the concert - have you/can you offer anyone else a lift and, if not, can you simply ask to coordinate using the same car park so that you have company at the end of the concert? From experience, though, you will find masses of people heading to the carpark after the concert, so you won’t actually really be alone, though it can feel daunting. I am sure you can ask if they’d walk with you part of the way before heading to their own car. I think you need to communicate your needs…

I can see it would be hard to feel your family (especially your own mother) seem cool towards you or make cutting remarks about you. That is a bit of a toxic dynamic. Your mum argung your brother shouldnt have a tatoo because he’s good looking when she was approving of you having one. Some things just shouldnt be said by parents to their children even in jest unless they know it will be taken that way by the recipient and brushed off!

However, a really big thing that jumps out for me in the huge inheritance you have received from an uncle. It would be understandable if your cousins (presumably his own children) would feel put out and resentful towards you for this. As you didnt offer to share it with them, their resentment is a price you have to pay. The large inheritance has clearly been a huge benefit to you which you wouldnt have had to the same extent if you shared it out more widely so you made a choice there and it would be best to accept you wont be close to those cousins. You obviously feel they didnt deserve it anyway as you mentioned you were the only one who visited him. They may have a different perspective though (eg they may have visited him but not as often as you and they might have felt that you had an eye on his estate when you were frequently visiting him though that clearly isnt your view). You didnt have to share it with them though, you made your choice and I am not suggesting you should have done things differently, just that your choice has some consequences with regards to you cousins.

As others have suggested, you may have some signs of depression. Therapy to lift your spirits and see the positives in your life will likely help. Then you can condider how close you want to remain to various family members when you are in a more positive frame of mind.

I hope you can reach a point where you are happier.

again, someone “owing” you a favour doesn’t mean you get to pick the favour you get. If their car is full, their car is full. You don’t get to say “well you owe me so surely you can make Steve walk so I can come with you, even though I have my own car.”

@SansaStark90 i know you say you have had therapy, but have you tried CBT?
That really helped me move on and have healthier thought patterns.
Wishing you happiness.

To be fair. A large back tattoo is completely different to a large arm tattoo- and I say that as someone who is extremely heavily tattooed.

Theres a reason that the majority of very heavy tattooed people leave the back until last. It’s because it’s such a large coverage piece, which means expensive, and you rarely see it. You will see a large arm tattoo all the time.

Your Mothers comment wasn’t nice but maybe she said it because she thinks he’s handsome and she thinks a large arm tattoo will impact that (stupid imo) but hardly anyone will see your back tattoo anyway?

you are asking for advice about your family relations and I am offering my thoughts , personally I think the money is a big deal. The fact that you don’t is interesting , I appreciate you cared for him and he recognised that in his will , which was not expected or demanded by you which makes you a nice person , but I think if you maybe opened up a dialogue with your family on this issue you may find it’s more of a wedge in your relationships than you realise

I found out after my parents died the extent of a family fallout. And it WAS all down to “un fair” inheritance

also this is hard to hear but I would not jump at the opportunity to spend time with someone who is suicidal as it would really bring me down

your responses to this thread shows you are actively depressed . I am married to someone who is currently fighting depression and they are upbeat and cheerful most if the time but are hard to be around when in a funk,

some people have depression as a default personality setting and it clouds their outlook and all interactions. Are you actively fighting ? I genuinely wish you well and hope you can find happiness with or without your family support.

Awful thing to have said to you about your brother being the good looking one. He's the golden child and it won't ever change. Sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. Keeping your distance will help your self esteem.

This OP. It doesn't actually matter how we judge what was done and said, if you feel its hurting you and making your life worse then step away. You can't control how other people behave, but you CAN control how you react to it.

I find it odd that you are too upset to write their instead of there, but you are not too upset to be snide about someone else writing your for you're. Is that not a double standard? And you describe yourself as funny and caring/thoughtful, but replies are mostly mean and aggressive.

Re you letting yourself into your mum's house and eavesdropping on her phone conversation, this is quite odd behaviour. I would expect an adult child to behave more maturely than this.

But by inviting you they were including you in the event. If I organise something for friends I wouldn't even think about getting involved in how they are going to get there - that's not my responsibility. If they didn't want you there they could have just invited your brother and he wouldn't have even mentioned it to you. They obviously are happy for you to come but, saying this in the nicest way I can, your presence doesn't make or break the event for them so they are not going to bend over backwards to enable you to make it.
This isn't a personal slight against you, its how most people organise events, because otherwise it becomes a major hassle.

You feel excluded because you "presumed" an invite = a lift but most people would never make that assumption so wouldn't be disappointed.

If people are leaving you out it might be because you seem to make a mountain out of a molehill. Getting nails, lashes and full face of make up done is a lot for what sounds like some sort of music thing where most people will just rock up in jeans and t shirt. If you cancelled all that you could spend it on a taxi if you're that worried about driving to the venue.

Same with your mums comment. Yes it sounds nasty but dwelling on it for 3 months is not healthy or normal.

So in answer to your q i think you are being over sensitive, but that's very very normal when you're struggling with your mental health, so it's not a criticism of you as a person.

You still haven't said why you have so much involvement with your family.

In your 30s it's totally normal to have broken away from family and just have a once a year "maintenance" visit, EXCEPT if you actually like your family and feel close to them.

You seem to live in their pocket though while actively disliking them? Don't get it

I also think you're being overly sensitive. A tattoo, mostly beneath clothes, to cover a scar is a different thing to a big sleeve for decorative purposes. Perhaps your mother might feel differently if yours was for decoration or was in a more obvious location. Even if she said 'oh, he's good looking I don't want him ruining that', it doesn't mean she doesn't think you're unattractive. She can perhaps just see the sense in covering a scar if she knows it is affecting your quality of life.

The lift thing doesn't make sense to me at all. They clearly want you there as they've invited you. People don't usually expect transport just because they've been invited somewhere. Just get yourself to the venue and ask them to meet you in the car park so you're not going in alone. I do feel as though you're creating yourself a prison. Try to listen to what people are saying rather than filling in the gaps with negative talk.
The wedding thing is perhaps jealousy, with a bit of resentment. That's a 'them' issue.

You called it a little tattoo.in your OP, and his large.