WIBU (or mad) to give up my car in these circumstances? any tips?

[Blueandblack2]

Really struggling with the COL. Council tax went up, water 3x the previous rate, food etc. Something gotta give and I wonder if that is the car.

my circumstances

• I work 5 days and can do 2 days from home. Commute is 12 miles to a busy industrial estate with loads of HGV but I am an experienced cyclist.

• 2 teens both with SN. Oldest has severe learning disabilities and cannot travel alone. I need to drive them everywhere but we have a taxi for school

• younger one also has a taxi but on average 2 appointments per week for which I need the car (or taxi) due to distance, lack of bus connection and the need to be home for DC1 by 3:30pm as they need me at home

• I have a DH with a car (company but allowed private use) and he can do the shopping and would be able to drive the kids to some of their hobbies. Some hobbies would have to stop obviously without me having my own car but not the end of the word.

• In essence, I would really only need a taxi/uber on appointment days and I hope we can reduce them soon to once a week and maybe, when it rains badly in lieu of cycling (no showers and there is no public transport there which I can take). Car is 17 years old and just too many reparations plus insurance gone up again. It's all costing me an arm and a leg and it's too much for my part time salary (I only work half days to enable me to care for the DC before and after school - increasing my hours is not an option due to their SN). I am just so fed up with being in the red all the time.

Thoughts?

If he wants 50/50, he should be doing half of the caring too. Why is it just you having stick to working school hours while he can work and earn more? Tell your husband that he can't have it both ways and if he continues to insist, he can do half of the drop offs, pick ups, appointments and after school care.

Ditching the car isn't a magic wand, you will still be earning way under and expected to meet half of costs.

Give up the car, arrange for the appointments on DH days off. Also could you up your hours and DH meet the taxi a couple times a week?
I feel for you, your husband is being very unreasonable.

I wish I could use all 4 emojis on this ☝️

You're married to a financially abusive shit of a man. You need a proper conversation about what he understands the words 'marriage' and 'for better or for worse' to mean.

Op everyone's mentioned it but you haven't acknowledged it - and that is you need to put your foot down and tell your husband that he needs to contribute more or else you will leave.

Lay it down what you do and how much you earn and pay and how your outgoings outweigh your income. Also stress that you will sell your car and he will need to pay more for taxis or do more of the driving.

Why are you just saying he won't budge? He never will unless you show him your serious and there will be consequences. Stop being his doormat.

You sound like a great mum and would most likely be better off without him.

This.

On the first page, you have told us he earns too much for you to be able to get any support with your dc.

At the same time telling us you can only work a small number of hours (and they need to be spread over 5 days) because you need to look after your dc due to there being no out of school provision they can access due to their significant needs
That you need to take them to regular appointments.
Yet he thinks you should pay 50:50 to bills!!!

He should be very, very ashamed of himself.
He should ALSO be paying you for childcare costs, therapy costs (and though not specified, I'm going to assume housekeeping, laundry, cooking etc).

How can he not see that your working so few hours is because HIS dc need looking after ??

Absolutely this!!!!

Are you claiming child benefit? Because you should be. And if Dickhead H has to pay back in his taxes, serves him right. He is financially abusing you.

Don't call this man a cunt. This is a turd.

Pretty much sums it up!

OP i don't have much to add except to agree with what's been said already, your husband is an absolute disgrace.

I feel very sorry that you're in this position with so little support from him. I presume you're isolated from friends & family too now.

I don't know what to tell you other than your dh need to step up massively to support you & his two dc.

You would potentially be better off financially without him? And you would certainly be emotionally better off.

What's he like with the dc?

Blimey @Blueandblack2 you've not got it easy. I can see why you are considering giving up your car, but I really don't see how things would be easier for you, including financially.

I know your husband says he won't budge away from the 50/50 split, does he actually pay 50/50 towards the cost of his children i.e. petrol to get them to/from hobbies, the cost of hobbies, clothes for them etc.? I'm guessing not.

Would it be worth doing a spreadsheet to show everything you both pay that is for "the family" to include not only mortgage/rent, water etc. but also fuel for the kids (not including your commute costs).

I would also include an hourly rate for the time you are not able to work i.e. each weekday afternoon as this should also be a split cost. If he still won't budge, then I think you may have to consider leaving as at the moment he seems happy to sit back and watch his wife, and kids struggle and decrease their standard of living whilst he carries on as normal. That is not what a decent husband would be doing!!!

What is the plan when you child who needs constant care leaves school. You say he will never work. Does that mean you will then have to give up work to look after him if he cannot be alone?

yanbu but you need a back up plan for terrible weather rather than being dependent on always cycling to commute. I cycle 17 miles each way when I fancy for work, but not on terrible weather days. Or if you get injured, and what will you do if you puncture and it's tipping with rain, etc.

You said many HGVs on the route etc.... can you take the distance up to 14 miles & find a route that is less polluted & hazardous to cycle?

This thread has made me so angry!

Divorce the bastard op, get what your entitled to, don't live the rest if your life like this.

OP you and your husband are JOINTLY liable for bills. If he won't have a conversation then just tell him, you cannot afford to keep funding 50/50 so you will no longer be paying xyz bills and you expect him to pick up the cost. Ideally pick something like council tax where both your names are on the account. Then it's just as much his problem as yours if it's not being paid.

YABU. You don't want to cycle in winter weather and summer heat, then have to freshen up for work. You don't want to get a phone call at work saying one of your kids needs picking up and your husband can't be contacted.

Your problem is - and you aren't ready to hear this yet - you are in a financially abusive relationship, and your husband has groomed you into thinking this is all your problem to solve, and you can keep shaving bits off the little you have to cope.
Don't grind yourself down, and not for Mr Big Important Job.