WIBU (or mad) to give up my car in these circumstances? any tips?

[Blueandblack2]

Really struggling with the COL. Council tax went up, water 3x the previous rate, food etc. Something gotta give and I wonder if that is the car.

my circumstances

• I work 5 days and can do 2 days from home. Commute is 12 miles to a busy industrial estate with loads of HGV but I am an experienced cyclist.

• 2 teens both with SN. Oldest has severe learning disabilities and cannot travel alone. I need to drive them everywhere but we have a taxi for school

• younger one also has a taxi but on average 2 appointments per week for which I need the car (or taxi) due to distance, lack of bus connection and the need to be home for DC1 by 3:30pm as they need me at home

• I have a DH with a car (company but allowed private use) and he can do the shopping and would be able to drive the kids to some of their hobbies. Some hobbies would have to stop obviously without me having my own car but not the end of the word.

• In essence, I would really only need a taxi/uber on appointment days and I hope we can reduce them soon to once a week and maybe, when it rains badly in lieu of cycling (no showers and there is no public transport there which I can take). Car is 17 years old and just too many reparations plus insurance gone up again. It's all costing me an arm and a leg and it's too much for my part time salary (I only work half days to enable me to care for the DC before and after school - increasing my hours is not an option due to their SN). I am just so fed up with being in the red all the time.

Thoughts?

thanks all. i appreciate that DH is part of the problem but he won't budge and I have no family or support network and won't be able to leave. I just need to find a way to get financially through this current situation - with help from DH.

So your partner earns more than you, and your earning potential is limited by you having to provide childcare for his children, but he would rather see you and your children suffer than assist financially? Start billing him for the hours you’re providing childcare and use it to fix your car.

OP are the kids also your husband’s?

That is a really important fact here.

Have you actually checked? PIP isn't means tested and can be claimed from the age of 16. DLA also isn't means tested and can be claimed for teens under the age of 16.

Both contain a mobility component which can be used to put towards a vehicle for the purposes of transporting them around.

If your husband has a high salary then you can still claim the child benefit for yourself to have and he would pay it back in his tax return. I'm sure from what you've said he would kick off about that but he's not exactly left you much choice due to his financial abuse of you.

I bet you would be better off financially leaving him. Doesn't sound like he brings much to the party TBH.

He's not part of the problem he IS the problem.

OP, your DH is financially abusing you.

Forcing you to give up your car also takes away that tiny bit of freedom you have. It's not just about money it's about control.

DC is on pip but even with me getting the pip into my account, it isn't enough anymore in combination with my low wage to pay my share of the bills..

These are strong comments when OP still hasn’t confirmed whether or not the children are her husband’s.

The PIP isn't for paying your share of household bills though. It's to assist with things like needing to have a reliable vehicle.

What's the plan for when DC turns 18? If they move on into any kind of supported living or 18 -25 LD college their PIP will go with them?

I don't think it's relevant when they're married.

Just to echo everyone else your husband is a piece of shit and you may well be better off without him. You certainly would be emotionally.

Pip is for the extra cost of living for the disabled person. for us, it requires care round the clock as DC cannot be left alone and a reduction in my working hours. DC is almost 18 and I will probably look after them as long as I am alive. There is very little supported living available and social worker already told me we will have to wait for many years until we will get a place. DC will never be independent nor work. I think that's the reality for loads of carers.

It absolutely is relevant because a woman posting that she was living with her husband & 2 step kids paying 50% of the bills would be told she is being mugged off and paying for someone else’s children.

Blended family finances can’t be compared to those where it is all one family and joint kids.

I don't think that really matters TBH.

They are married, what kind of husband would insist on 50/50 split preventing their wife from having access to a much needed vehicle, any hobbies because she can't get to them and unable to claim any benefits because of his high wage which he won't share.

A financially abusive one, that's who.

It's irrelevant whether the children are his or not really. If they aren't and he wasn't prepared to be a family with two SEN kids he shouldn't have married a woman with two SEN kids.

It’s not irrelevant because he is not financially responsible for those children.

And I repeat, a woman posting that she was being expected to pay 50%- or more- of the bills when living with her partner & 2 stepkids would be being told she was being taken for a mug and to insist she is NOT paying for those kids.

So @Blueandblack2 you presumably have bigger issues here. Your 'D'H isn't the father of your children and has no interest in helping you to support them, either financially or on a day to day level, right?

I don't agree - when you marry someone with children, you're choosing to to take responsibility for them while they're in your care.

Besides, why would any good man want to see their partner struggling like this, whether the kids are his or not?

We are not a blended family. Where did that idea come from? They are our DC..

He is. Where did I say they aren't his?

I never said you were, I explicitly asked if the kids were joint kids- so did other posters- and you didn’t provide that information

These children are disabled and OP cannot work full-time as a result. If he didn't want to take on that responsibility, he shouldn't have married her. It's not complicated.

They are his! He didn't marry me with my disabled kids in tow.

It's not that common that men would have full time care of both children and vanishingly rare that a man would have sole full time care of two children with SEN and would be working part time as a result of that.

I bet any woman in that situation though would absolutely be told by mumsnet that they should suck up having to pay back the child benefit amount in their tax return if their high wage was the reason their spouse couldn't claim it and the woman was insisting on 50/50.

You can also guarantee that the same imaginary woman would also still be doing most of the cooking/cleaning etc as well as earning the higher wage.

We all know without even asking that OPs husband isn't pitching in with 50% of the drudgery even though he wants everything else to be split down the middle.

it was just that you answered a load of other questions and not that one. His attitude is even worse though if he's their father...........