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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think brides need to issue rules about what people are allowed to wear?

276 replies

SnoozingFox · 11/05/2025 15:36

No white
Nothing with even a HINT of white/cream
No pale colours which in a certain light might look white
No lace
No red
No black

etc etc etc. Is this the new normal as it certainly wasn't when I got married, none of the weddings I have been to were we ever asked to run outfits past the bride before the event.

Madness.

OP posts:
Cloudyvibes · 11/05/2025 17:49

Never been to a wedding where there was a dress code, and I only wear black clothing so have always worn black to weddings and have never been alone in wearing it. I don’t wear colours at all.

I would say the only one I agree with is not wearing a white/cream/ivory dress, bride should be the only one imo.

gingergiraffe · 11/05/2025 17:49

Complete madness! I have never been to a wedding with a dress code and would probably decline if one was issued. I inquired today about a late May wedding whether the men were required to wear suits. Bride replied that people should wear whatever they feel comfortable in, shorts were fine. So the men in my family will opt to wear suits to the church ceremony and take smart shorts to change into if it becomes unbearably hot. That’s how to make your guests feel welcome.

intrepidpanda · 11/05/2025 17:49

These have been known in all my time.
Somehow younger generations have not learned this or started to willfully ignore
So yes the bride may need to send out a list for those lacking wedding etiquette.

Iloveeverycat · 11/05/2025 17:52

80smonster · 11/05/2025 17:36

We asked everyone to wear blue - most of the photos looked amazing - apart from those who didn’t understand the words ‘no pattern’ and the person who wore orange and blue. Ah well.

That sounds very controling. The photos would have look just as good if everyone had a different outfit on. Sounds like too much social media influence everyone having to dress the same.

tuvamoodyson · 11/05/2025 17:53

SwedishEdith · 11/05/2025 16:00

What? I have never been to a wedding with a dress code.

Same here! I wear what suits my shape/budget/colouring!

spoonbillstretford · 11/05/2025 17:53

Rules about what to wear at weddings have only ever existed on Mumsnet for me. Went to a lot of weddings in the 00s and 2010s and no-one worried about these rules. Several people wore cream/white at mine - it was June and a nice day, entirely appropriate. Never encountered a colour scheme, any bridezillas or expensive, extravagant hen dos either. Only two I went to out of dozens were child free too. I wore a black shirt and hat and an ivory suit to a good friend's wedding (her dress was rose gold, fwiw) and a black and white polkadot dress to a couple of others. Only last year I went to a wedding in autumn and wore a black jacket, black silk blouse and black hair band with a fawn silk skirt. Other people wore black too, I wasn't the only one.

nameXname · 11/05/2025 17:54

Al these wedding 'traditions' are really very recent. Fashions, maybe, but with no long history to back them up. In the past, ordinary/poor people got married in whatever clothes they had; wealthier people chose a dress thgat they could wear for 'best' for as long as possible after - compared with today, clothes then were enormously expensive. The most famous example of a 'practical' approach to wedding clothes comes from Oliver Goldsmith's 'Vicar of Wakefield' (1766), in which the Vicar writes:

"I was ever of opinion, that the honest man who married and brought up a large family, did more service than he who continued single, and only talked of population. From this motive, I had scarce taken orders a year before I began to think seriously of matrimony, and chose my wife as she did her wedding gown, not for a fine glossy surfaces but such qualities as would wear well. To do her justice, she was a good-natured notable woman; and as for breeding [upbringing/education], there were few country ladies who could shew more. She could read any English book without much spelling, but for pickling, preserving, and cookery, none could excel her. She prided herself also upon being an excellent contriver in house-keeping... we loved each other tenderly, and our fondness encreased as we grew old. "
http://www.ricorso.net/rx/library/authors/classic/Goldsmith_O/prose/Wakefield_01.htm

In Glasgow, at The Tenement House historic building, there is a beautiful late 19th cent wedding dress - in deep maroon silk brocade. I think it might be the one worn by the woman in the centre of this photo.It looks much nicer in real life than in the photo:
https://www.nts.org.uk/visit/places/the-tenement-house/women-of-the-tenement-house

The fashion for white weddings began with Queen Victoria, who married Albert in 1840, and wore white. "This was an unusual choice at the time – most women wore rich colours like red, blue and brown." https://www.londonmuseum.org.uk/collections/london-stories/marriage-queen-victoria-prince-albert/

BunnyLake · 11/05/2025 17:55

S0j0urn4r · 11/05/2025 15:55

Every wedding I've been to has had a dress code of some sort.
I'm happy to wear sky blue pink if I'm being fed and watered.

I’ve never been to a wedding with a dress code.

Admittedly the last wedding I went to was around 2003 (and they’re now divorced).

Whoarethoseguys · 11/05/2025 17:58

I agree it's mad.
I didn't care what anyone wore to my wedding. Neither did anyone I know, my DD didn't either and looking now at the wedding photos I can see some people wore very pale /cream dresses, some wore long dresses, some red. And no one batted an eyelid!
I don't think anyone in real life cares.

thatsgotit · 11/05/2025 18:01

loropianalover · 11/05/2025 15:41

The ‘rules’ you listed above have always been basic etiquette at any wedding I have attended, I don’t consider any of them madness. I would never consider anything for a wedding if I ever felt I’d have to run it by the couple/the bride in the first place.

In recent years I do see more people wearing black dresses as wedding guests though.

You must move in different circles than me, I have never been to a wedding where people cared more about this stuff than celebrating with people they care about. I find it sad tbh

SnoozingFox · 11/05/2025 18:02

80smonster · 11/05/2025 17:36

We asked everyone to wear blue - most of the photos looked amazing - apart from those who didn’t understand the words ‘no pattern’ and the person who wore orange and blue. Ah well.

Right, so the guests are really just extras / supporting artists for your wedding photos then?

OP posts:
Whoarethoseguys · 11/05/2025 18:04

intrepidpanda · 11/05/2025 17:49

These have been known in all my time.
Somehow younger generations have not learned this or started to willfully ignore
So yes the bride may need to send out a list for those lacking wedding etiquette.

I'm in my 60s I've been to a lot of weddings and no has cared what guests wore when I was young and neither has.anyone cared in the weddings I've been to in the last 10 years!
We wanted our guests to be comfortable and didn't want artificially staged wedding photo's.

CarpetKnees · 11/05/2025 18:04

80smonster · 11/05/2025 17:36

We asked everyone to wear blue - most of the photos looked amazing - apart from those who didn’t understand the words ‘no pattern’ and the person who wore orange and blue. Ah well.

I've got news for you.
It isn't because they "didn't understand" .....

Screamingabdabz · 11/05/2025 18:06

Oh dear… I’ve worn cream polka dot midi dresses to two family weddings now 🤦🏻‍♀️ shit! But in my defence I’m fat and middle aged and I’m not even in any remote galaxy of ‘upstaging’ anyone. Surely that’s mitigating circumstances m’lud?

thatsgotit · 11/05/2025 18:06

SnoozingFox · 11/05/2025 16:04

Apparently black is for funerals or because you disapprove of the marriage. Red is unsuitable as it's associated with the groom's bit on the side. (Accept this started as internet nonsense but has apparently passed into common practice).

Personally I would have no issue with people wearing black or red but some brides clearly do, and if they do have those issues, it's only fair to pre-warn their guests so they can either shop accordingly, or decide not to attend.

A friend of mine who actually got married in black would have caused mucho pearl-clutching in some circles, then... 😂

I get that people get to set their own rules for their own wedding. But they shouldn't be surprised if they set an overly prescriptive dress code and find some people declining. It never even occurred to me to set any kind of dress code for our wedding (and DH would have been quite happy if we'd all worn T-shirts and shorts 😂), the fact that they'd made the effort to join us for our special day was enough. I know that sounds sanctimonious, but it's just the way I feel.

2Rebecca · 11/05/2025 18:07

I think not wearing an all white/ cream weddingy dress is just sensible but I issued no dress rules to my guests and no-one wore anything weird. Choose your wedding guest more carefully.

MycatLarry · 11/05/2025 18:12

Hadalifeonce · 11/05/2025 15:53

It was all so much easier when everything had to be done by post or a telephone call, brides were far too busy organising a wedding to be bogged down writing letters or telephoning everyone to police their outfit colour, length, design etc. etc..

Yes, and the bride and groom were concerned with ensuring their guests felt comfortable and had a good time at the wedding.
Now, it sometimes feels as if guests have to abide by all the wedding day rules and are barely tolerated.

Crunched · 11/05/2025 18:12

have never been to a wedding with a dress code and would probably decline if one was issued.
Thats the nice thing about an invitation. If it doesn't suit you to attend, you don't need to go.
I have two weddings this year. One has suggested 'dress for a summer festival', the other has highlighted that women need to cover their heads for the religious part of the ceremony.
I'm excited to attend both because I love the couples involved and want to share a happy occasion with them. If I didn't want to dig out/buy the stipulated attire I would decline the invite. Simple.

Whoarethoseguys · 11/05/2025 18:14

80smonster · 11/05/2025 17:36

We asked everyone to wear blue - most of the photos looked amazing - apart from those who didn’t understand the words ‘no pattern’ and the person who wore orange and blue. Ah well.

But why?
It sounds as though your wedding was just a huge photo opportunity. Not a serious event celebrating the coming together of two people with your friends and family who are individuals.
I'm sorry but it sounds horrible.

SnoozingFox · 11/05/2025 18:14

I think there's a difference between summer festival or covering your head for the ceremony and "must wear a plain shade of a specific colour".

OP posts:
wordywitch · 11/05/2025 18:16

Just to be safe I wear a hessian sack to weddings, so as not to upstage the bride.

snowmichael · 11/05/2025 18:23

SnoozingFox · 11/05/2025 15:43

Apparently it's the colour that the mistress of the groom wear. (I know. Nuts).

And green is unlucky.

Ah
Insanity
Got it
YANBU
I mean, her wedding her choices, but there is a line that if crossed by the bride would definitely be ab RSVP-Non from me
According to M&S more than 25% of men in the UK only have one suit, and it's black, like over 50% of men's ;smart' shoes
Are they banned or do they wear jeans and trainers?

80smonster · 11/05/2025 18:28

CarpetKnees · 11/05/2025 18:04

I've got news for you.
It isn't because they "didn't understand" .....

My advice is get a decent bridesmaid to round up any rule breakers. Look at any wedding photo, there will be some fucker dressed as a Tango can, in a hideous polyester Coast suit.

80smonster · 11/05/2025 18:33

Whoarethoseguys · 11/05/2025 18:14

But why?
It sounds as though your wedding was just a huge photo opportunity. Not a serious event celebrating the coming together of two people with your friends and family who are individuals.
I'm sorry but it sounds horrible.

Are you the kind of person that wears orange suits to weddings? Any event that costs me 15k means I specify the terms. You don’t have to come, that’s why it’s called an ‘invite’ not a summons.

Motherknowsrest · 11/05/2025 18:34

Yabu. If I ever got married I wouldn't care what people wore. Not my place to tell people how to spend their money. They should wear what they're comfortable in.