Fighting with DH over taking oldest away

[StripeyBalloon]

DH is taking our oldest away in the summer and is booking somewhere soon. We had a fight this morning as last year when I took DS away I had to beg him to let us go for more than 2 nights (we went for 3 nights abroad) 2 nights would have barely been worth going by the time we got there etc. I remember begging him for weeks to agree to it and look after our youngest for an extra night.

DH took our oldest away after Christmas for 4 nights (meant to be 3 but turned into 4 the night before, I was just told that they were going for an extra night - not asked!)

Now he’s talking about taking DS away for 5 days - again completely fine but (I knew this would start a fight…) I said I had to beg him for weeks for us to go for 3 nights not 2 nights. I was called an aggressive woman, I’m deliberately starting a fight, I only care about myself (huh?) and fine, I’ll just not go then shall I!

It just feels unfair that I had to beg and beg when he just says they are going for 5 days without asking if I’m okay to look after our youngest (obviously I am and I want our oldest to experience fun 1-1 breaks with us)

AIBU? I shouldn’t have brought it up as I knew it would start a fight.

Why can’t you all go?

Why can’t you all just go?

I’m a bit confused tbh - this makes it sound like you are divorced, but you aren’t?

Why are there all these trips with just the oldest child, and why the arguments about the length of those trips?

Stop begging and just book. What are your husband’s reasons for objecting?

Does your youngest ever get a holiday?

There’s a large age gap so we do a couple of breaks per year with just DS and either me or DH(he likes culture/older stuff) we do holiday all together too.

Let him go for five nights and next time don’t ask.

let them go and enjoy the break!

Why don’t you holiday as a family?

And why do you have to ask/beg for a number of nights? If you are going to do separate holidays then surely they’re equal?

Our youngest is autistic (non verbal) and would struggle going abroad.

So he does 5 nights this time and then you do 5 nights with your eldest next time, no fighting/begging needed 🤷‍♀️

So just see this as the new normal and start booking longer breaks yourself.

If he doesn't have to ask your permission to go away then you don't need to ask his.

Stop begging and just do what you want.

We do go on holiday as a family - Butlins and little caravan breaks etc.

He’s not speaking to me now as I brought up how I had to beg!

I remember begging him for weeks to agree to it and look after our youngest for an extra night.

Who looked after the youngest when he stayed away an extra night with the oldest? You both have the responsibility to "look after" your shared children, but if one person is not going to be around obviously the other needs to agree in advance to handle it alone. This should not involve any begging; if the nights you chose weren't convenient for him he should have suggested alternates.

It seems that he feels that his time and his wishes are more important than yours; does that seem accurate and if so, do you know why that is?

Ok - so what are the arguments about the length of trip about?

The difficulty of caring for the younger child for a long period alone?

Either way - I think your DH is unreasonable for limiting how long you can travel for but not following this bundled, but I also think you should be the bigger person and just use this 5 day trip to justify your own longer trip next time.

Look: he doesn't care about the time you are on holiday with your eldest—he just doesn’t want to be in sole care of your ASD youngest. He schedules a long holiday away from you when he can and fights with you doing the same because he doesn’t want to look after your youngest.

He is an absolutely terrible husband: aggressive and mean to you.

So he just doesn't want to look after your youngest and sees holidays with your older child as more fun than staying home with your younger one so you should do that while he gets nice breaks. That's really shit.

It seems that the DH wants a longer time away with the eldest having a break, while OP stays at home with the youngest, but didnt /doesn't want OP to be able to do the same as it is harder work looking after the youngest.

I looked after our youngest, again happy to but it was the fact that late the night before he just suddenly announced that they would be leaving early the next day - no asking if I minded, just telling me, again the same this time around. Worlds away from how anxious I felt about asking him if I could book 3 instead of 2 nights. He said I was taking the piss out of him and not being fair even though I had arranged for DS to stay overnight somewhere and arranged family help etc. Aaagh!

Your eldest needs a break from his sibling. I mean this kindly. It's so hard for a child to live in a household where there is a Sen child. Let dad and son go.

Yes, next time he definitely cannot argue about me taking our oldest away for longer, I probably should have kept my mouth shut but I was pissed off at the double standards and entitlement.

She is letting them go! But her DH won't let her and the eldest go away together for longer than 2 nights. He doesn't want to look after the youngest child alone.

Gosh I would never stop them going and it was my idea to split our holidays so he gets to travel and have a break, I’m so happy to have come up with a workable solution for our travel mad oldest!