Fighting with DH over taking oldest away

[StripeyBalloon]

DH is taking our oldest away in the summer and is booking somewhere soon. We had a fight this morning as last year when I took DS away I had to beg him to let us go for more than 2 nights (we went for 3 nights abroad) 2 nights would have barely been worth going by the time we got there etc. I remember begging him for weeks to agree to it and look after our youngest for an extra night.

DH took our oldest away after Christmas for 4 nights (meant to be 3 but turned into 4 the night before, I was just told that they were going for an extra night - not asked!)

Now he’s talking about taking DS away for 5 days - again completely fine but (I knew this would start a fight…) I said I had to beg him for weeks for us to go for 3 nights not 2 nights. I was called an aggressive woman, I’m deliberately starting a fight, I only care about myself (huh?) and fine, I’ll just not go then shall I!

It just feels unfair that I had to beg and beg when he just says they are going for 5 days without asking if I’m okay to look after our youngest (obviously I am and I want our oldest to experience fun 1-1 breaks with us)

AIBU? I shouldn’t have brought it up as I knew it would start a fight.

It's perfectly clear

Youngest child is autistic so struggles on 'normal' holidays

So they go separately sometimes and together sometimes

But her husband is clearly reluctant to look after youngest

What an unpleasant post
why can’t the older child have a treat ?
what your friend and her husband does is completely irrelevant
The OPs husband sounds unpleasant as well

I wouldn’t of said anything tbh and then when it comes to your turn to book something I’d be telling him I’m off away for X amount of nights

Yeah I wish I hadn’t said anything now tbh as it’s only resulted in bad feeling. DH said he’s very hurt and am very cruel to bring that up. He keeps saying I’m “not right” I said it’s my feelings about injustice and how it feels unfair, it’s my opinion etc. His response - if he voiced all his opinions about me I would be in tears. How lovely!

@StripeyBalloon what is the age difference between the children??? why does the oldest always get taken on holiday abroad and not the younger one? is your dh able to cope with the youngest? is that the problem for dh??

He’s abusive OP

I can't get past you having to beg him for weeks to take your own child away for 3 pissing days.

Yeah. My ex used to do this- I’d explain, very carefully, how him seeing the other woman/feeding our dc nothing but crap/ going out All. The. Time made me feel and how I would prefer things to be, and he would always either get sad and say “you’re making me feel bad” or angry and say “well at least I’m not in the pub every night/ I bought you nice food [so that I can go out]/ what about that time when you did something for yourself”.

It’s emotional abuse, it avoids him taking any responsibility for his behaviour, and it means you’ll stop raising the issue and just accept what he wants, because it’s easier and he’s more vicious about defending his own interests than you are about yours.

I agree with this.

It does sound like the issues happened the first time you took DS away on your own and so it would have been a shorter holiday/more of a conversation compared to now.

You’re not wanting him to not take DS away for that long and so unless he usually does the bulk of the childcare and now you’re going to struggle with work, then it seems that you only brought it up to have an argument (although I do understand why you feel it’s unfair and wanted to have it out with him).

This wasn’t the time to bring it up though, as the only likely 2 outcomes would have been for him to shorten his trip or argue/one of you get upset.

The time to bring it up is when you are next booking your trip with DS and if DH starts saying no.

If you hadn't said anything, you would be quietly simmering away the resentment and frustration and anger. You can of course turn all that frustration inward and blame yourself for speaking. Or you can realise that telling him and making him formulate that classic, abusive DARVO response... I mean, it must be at least some comfort to see that it's him, not you.

Let the go and book yourself a short break for whilst they’re away…….bliss!,

It's resulted in bad feeling because your husband is a selfish prick who thi ks you are the default parent. It's simple maths. 5 days is more than 3, so if you are taking the piss having 3 days then he is definitely taking the piss having 5. He knows this, he just doesn't care. Right now, he is bullying you to get his own way. He's a horrible husband.

When you stayed home, did your husband organise for the youngest to stay 1 night elsewhere and organise family help? Or is this another one of his pathetic double standards where you have to do it for him but he doesn't return the favour?

This!

You know next time you don't need to ask permission. In other areas of you life do you ask for his approval and he simply does what he likes?

So will he whinge when you want to take eldest ds for 5 nights next time? Is he desperate to not look after youngest sen ds but thinks you’re fine to do so? Sorry, he’s a complete tosser for springing it on you, twice. Suggest you do similar next time and you don’t organise someone else to look after youngest ds.

He's telling you that you are "not right"?
He sounds very nasty and a prick?
Does he regularly gaslight you?
Women's aid are who you should be calling for a chat if he is regularly nasty towards you.
Begging is not healthy or normal in a relationship.

I think your DH is just saying this to manipulate you. When you want to go away, he gives you a whole bunch of criticism of how bad you are. When HE wants to go away, he just tells you he's going, and then if you point out that this is a double-standard he gives you a whole bunch of criticism about how bad you are. The common factor is that regardless of the situation he criticizes your character if you don't do what benefits him. Now you say you wish you hadn't said anything. That's his goal! For you to not say anything and just put up with whatever he does. His manipulation worked!!!!

He's hurt? What about you? YOU'RE hurt when he calls you selfish. You're cruel? What about him? HE was cruel to make you beg for a mere 3 days away when he takes 5 without even a by-your-leave. HE is cruel to attack your character when you merely stand up for yourself.

That’s healthy behaviour….

(note - it’s not, silent treatment is actually a form of abuse)

Does he just treat you like this or the whole family? Why did you have to beg when he just tells you? Something is very wrong here.

Your husband sees his time with your eldest as a break for him, so he books as long as possible. He doesn't want to be the sole carer for your youngest for the same length of time, so he kicks up a stink when you want more than a couple of days away. I suspect he doesn't have the patience or bond with your youngest and finds looking after him a chore, and not one he's prepared to do for any length of time. Quite honestly, his attitude is completely shit, and he should be utterly ashamed of himself. He's treating you like crap, because he doesn't want the responsibility of your youngest, and uses everything in his power to make you feel awful so you don't book any more than 2 days. He's a shit husband and a shit Dad to your youngest.

That's only a happy medium if you entirely ignore the needs and welfare of elder DC.

Why does he need family help to look after your younger child is he too old to look after him alone?

I think next time there should be no begging. You book 5 nights away as your husband did. Presumably that does mean him taking time off work. I am not sure why you had to make other arrangements for your younger DS. Is your husband not able to look after him alone because he is SEN? How old is he?

Tell him to get over it and not be a dick.

He is deflecting because of the double standards. I would ignore his "hurt" feelings. He is just using that as a stick to beat you with because he knows that you were correct in that you did have to beg whereas he has just told you what he will be doing and did not ask permission. Neither should you have to.

I don't agree that the silent treatment is a form of abuse sometimes when you can't handle your emotions and you need time to think the best thing is silence. Her husband is being a dickhead.