Fighting with DH over taking oldest away

[StripeyBalloon]

DH is taking our oldest away in the summer and is booking somewhere soon. We had a fight this morning as last year when I took DS away I had to beg him to let us go for more than 2 nights (we went for 3 nights abroad) 2 nights would have barely been worth going by the time we got there etc. I remember begging him for weeks to agree to it and look after our youngest for an extra night.

DH took our oldest away after Christmas for 4 nights (meant to be 3 but turned into 4 the night before, I was just told that they were going for an extra night - not asked!)

Now he’s talking about taking DS away for 5 days - again completely fine but (I knew this would start a fight…) I said I had to beg him for weeks for us to go for 3 nights not 2 nights. I was called an aggressive woman, I’m deliberately starting a fight, I only care about myself (huh?) and fine, I’ll just not go then shall I!

It just feels unfair that I had to beg and beg when he just says they are going for 5 days without asking if I’m okay to look after our youngest (obviously I am and I want our oldest to experience fun 1-1 breaks with us)

AIBU? I shouldn’t have brought it up as I knew it would start a fight.

This is exactly how it reads to me.

He’s trying to escape.

We did go for 3 nights in the end but I was a huge fight to get DH to agree to it after saying I was taking the piss. It seems unfair that he now just tells me he’s going for 5 days after the hell he gave me.

This.

Time to call him out on his shit behaviour.

He blindsided you and called you aggressive because he knows he worked this to his advantage.
Just smile and keep calm and tell him that next time when it's your turn to go away you will have the same amount of nights with your eldest.

It is unfair, so next time just take him for the same amount of time your husband decides to take, he can not argue with fair.

He sounds like an utter arsehole.

Why do you feel you need his permission? That you are “begging” indicates something very toxic about your marriage.

Does he consciously or unconsciously blame you for your child’s disabilities? Because that’s what it sounds like.

💐

You are married to a complete arsehole.

Why did you need his permission
In future just decide what you want to do and do that
Works for me

Why are you begging him for anything in what is supposed to be a loving and respectful relationship? It sounds like there is a massive power imbalance in this relationship.

He’s making this as unpleasant as he can to shut you down so you won’t challenge him again in future.
And yes, he doesn’t want to look after your younger child for longer than the bare minimum. That’s what’s driving this.

He sounds as though he thinks he is the boss. Next time, you take your eldest away for as many days as you want.

Does he pull his weight with your youngest child or does he prefer to do stuff with the eldest because it is easier and more fun?

And has he arranged for your youngest to go somewhere overnight and for his family to come a help while he is away?

I am guessing not. He sounds awful.

Well it is flogging a dead horse a bit isn't it.

Next time you book somewhere away you just say I am booking x amount of nights.

I get that it probably feels like a huge injustice but time has passed, the children have both grown and matured and what felt like a mountain to overcome then probably doesn't feel like such a big deal now especially if your youngest is autistic.

This. Just do what he does.

@StripeyBalloon does your husband struggle to look after your youngest on his own?

Doesn’t sound healthy to me if you have to beg and beg and he just ma decisions without even checking.

Does he always respond badly of you raise something you don’t like about his behaviour?

Maybe he finds it difficult managing house and younger child on his own so only wants to for it for a short time.

Sounds like your “D”H doesn’t want to look after the youngest as going away with the eldest is easier and more fun and less work.

Your husband is being very unfair. It sounds like you could both do with more respite as carers though - do you have much family support?

Well yes, it is unfair and the way your husband has reacted is ridiculous. He’s annoyed because you’ve called him out on the double standards, and instead of talking it through like a reasonable adult he’s throwing a strop.
If that’s the way he wants it, then in future I think you should do exactly what he does and just book what YOU want. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and all that. Don’t ask and certainly don’t beg his permission.

It sounds like there’s a horrible power imbalance in your relationship.

Why does he get to make all the decisions? Is he controlling in other ways? Maybe you’re so used to it you don’t notice, and it’s only with these holidays that it’s obvious. And why are you arranging for your youngest to be somewhere else overnight, so his dad doesn’t have to look after him when you’re away?

He sounds like a really crap husband and a crap dad, sorry.

Next time don't ask. He booked 5 nights, you book 5 nights next time. And don't let him guilt you into 'being kind' and making it less because he can't cope.

I’ll be honest and say this feels like a tip of the iceberg post and that actually there are far more issues than just the holiday. I never beg my husband for anything. I hope I’m wrong and he’s not a knob in many other respects.

Instead of begging him every night maybe you should have just gone for as long as you wanted, just like he did.
It's already doomed if you have to play power games in a relationship but I will give you some advice on that anyway, if you beg someone for anything you give them a huge sense of power and also a lack of respect for you. Once they get that feeling of having power they will go further in exercising that power. If you want to stay in this relationship, you need to take some power back. Never, ever beg for something, just tell him what will be happening.

Why is it his decision? He sounds abusive and unreasonable