Fighting with DH over taking oldest away

[StripeyBalloon]

DH is taking our oldest away in the summer and is booking somewhere soon. We had a fight this morning as last year when I took DS away I had to beg him to let us go for more than 2 nights (we went for 3 nights abroad) 2 nights would have barely been worth going by the time we got there etc. I remember begging him for weeks to agree to it and look after our youngest for an extra night.

DH took our oldest away after Christmas for 4 nights (meant to be 3 but turned into 4 the night before, I was just told that they were going for an extra night - not asked!)

Now he’s talking about taking DS away for 5 days - again completely fine but (I knew this would start a fight…) I said I had to beg him for weeks for us to go for 3 nights not 2 nights. I was called an aggressive woman, I’m deliberately starting a fight, I only care about myself (huh?) and fine, I’ll just not go then shall I!

It just feels unfair that I had to beg and beg when he just says they are going for 5 days without asking if I’m okay to look after our youngest (obviously I am and I want our oldest to experience fun 1-1 breaks with us)

AIBU? I shouldn’t have brought it up as I knew it would start a fight.

This is such an odd dynamic. Sounds like you are both actively trying to get out of parenting your youngest, which is sad. At the end of the day you’re right that you shouldn’t have to beg to go away with your own child but this doesn’t seem to get to the heart of the issue.

If I’m honest I would put a stop to all of these trips away and just do day trips for a year or two and/ or try to find some trips which all of you can do (e.g my friend goes away with her two children and partner but they choose places where their autistic child can stay in a safe place like a hotel room with one of them).

OP start reading books about emotionally abusive relationships. Your husband knows he’s not being fair and will continue to intimidate you and shut you down if you try to discuss it.

I agree with PP’s-next time, inform him that you’re taking your eldest away for say five nights, no begging.

Also, keep a note of the dates of this trip, that they went away for five nights, so you can mention this if necessary.

@MrsSkylerWhite @Upsetbetty Why shouldn’t the children have one-to-one trips with a parent? We’ve done this for years with our teenagers and they love it. They get undivided attention and the one staying at home also gets undivided attention from that parent.

It IS unfair. Stop and sit with that thought. He is UNFAIR. That us who he us.

If you try to express your needs or thoughts or try to solve a family problem he instantly goes on ghe attack and DARVO’s the shit out if you. Denies, Attacks,Reverses Victim and Offender. This is straight up abuse.

Every time he (stupidly) tells you that you are taking the piss just say “No: I am taking care of everyone’s needs in this family. You can fuck off to the far side of fuck with your attitude.”

@Heronwatcher The drawback of all going together is that the NT child always has to accommodate the needs of their ND sibling.

I think it’s great that the OP and her DH put their eldest first on these trips. It sounds as if he enjoys history and culture, so on these trips, he can go to a museum and stay as long as he wants to, for example, without worrying about his sibling’s needs.

Yes, your husband is being unfair but, knowing the person he is, you must have expected him to react badly when you brought up a previous argument. He was never going to admit he was wrong. You can now consider trips up to 5 nights too.

How are we both trying to get out of parenting our youngest? By taking our oldest away means he has our undivided attention 1-1 and he gets to experience other countries and cultures. It’s not fair on him if he was unable to travel due to his sibling’s high needs. Family holidays can revolve around his siblings needs and we’ve even had to cut a few short. Oldest developed anxiety around holidays due to stressful situations but now loves travelling with DH and I separately. It’s a nice workable solution so he doesn’t lose out on valuable life experiences and he also has much needed respite too. Our youngest also enjoys holidays nearer to home.

@StripeyBalloon

Why do you have to 'beg' for anything? Especially when it comes to your DC.

Are you begging for money to pay for the trip?
Are you begging him to watch his own child whilst you're gone because he simply doesn't want to?
Are you begging him to watch his own child whilst you're gone because he doesn't want to take time off work?

Finally, what would he do if you simply booked what you wanted to book? Are you afraid of his reaction? If so, why?

You really need to ask yourself these questions. Especially the last ones. Because I agree with a PP, sounds to me as if the holiday issue is probably the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your marriage.

You had to arrange family help? Is there something wrong with your husband that means he can't look after his own kid? Does he arrange family help when he goes away?

Next time don't ask him, tell him.

why do you need to beg him? Why do you need his permission at all?
Just book it? What will he do?

While I think you have come up with a solution to travel that suits both your children, there is a massive red flag here with your H:
“Worlds away from how anxious I felt about asking him if I could book 3 instead of 2 nights.”

In a relationship of equals why are you anxious about making this reasonable request?

“He said I was taking the piss out of him and not being fair even though I had arranged for DS to stay overnight somewhere and arranged family help etc.”

So you have taken responsibility for making your H’s life easier with your high-needs youngest while you’re away with the eldest, but he is angry with you anyway? On the other hand,
“late the night before he just suddenly announced that they would be leaving early the next day - no asking if I minded, just telling me, again the same this time around” and I don’t imagine he arranged the respite and help for you that you did for him? Or did he?

Either way, he sees you as the default carer for the higher needs child and himself as more deserving of the extra holiday away with your older child. The rules and restrictions on time away that he imposes for you don’t exist for him. That’s unfair and disrespectful, even without the undercurrent of coercive behaviour I see in his responses to you.

I completely understand why you’d find it unfair that it seems to be double standards.

But it sounds like it was the first time you’d taken him away and so perhaps at the time it felt long but now it doesn’t.

I would not have brought it up in this instance (although I would have struggled to bite my tongue) but if I had booked it and he said anything again like that, then I would absolutely say how unfair it is.

Have you tried going away with DS since you had to beg him to stay longer?

I would just draw a line in this and then book your own trip away with DS for as long as you want - but if he has an issue with it then you can give him both barrels and say how unfair it is.

You should have taken the situation as a win win. Next time it may be harder to say no to you wanting to stay away longer. I assume the issue is looking after your younger child?

Do you both work?

This relationship seems very unequal but maybe it’s just because it was the first time you’d gone away with DS, which is why you felt you had to arrange family to help etc.

The time to have brought this up was next time you want to take your eldest away.

Not just as he is planning it.

He was being selfish and unreasonable, but next time just book the 5 days with your eldest, and say “but I’m just following your example “.

You can’t live in a seething mess of resentment and long held grudges. Don’t make the holidays a tit for tat issue, find time to discuss things away from the heat of it. And talk about fair share of all aspects of parenting and household responsibilities.

So just say the standard now is 5 nights or less. End of.

This is a very very strange family dynamic, OP.

I’d agree with you if everyone was happy but all of this “you had 5 days I begged for 3” suggests that it’s not really working for the people who have to stay. As I’ve suggested there seems to be a happy medium- days out or holidays everyone can do- until you’ve worked something out where you don’t feel afraid of your husband or, frankly, he’s just trying to get out of actively parenting your youngest.

Is he always this unfair? What would happen if you just booked 5 nights next time?

^^ This.

Your dh is a twat. He is attacking you for noticing the inequality in your relationship.

You should both acknowledge that pretty much everyone would rather be exploring the Parthenon with the eldest than caring for your youngest at home. One is a fun holiday and the other is day to day childcare of a child with significant needs. Everyone needs a break. Everyone needs an equal break. You should not be begging for an extra night and he should not be sneaking one in.

And to whichever poster was doing headtilt sadface that parents of SEN children sometimes struggle and need respite time... you can piss right off. There is no shame in saying it's sometimes tough and hell yes the parents and siblings need time away. It gives you the space and energy to be a better parent to both dc.

Why do you need permission? As long as you can afford it, just book it. Dh and I take lots of separate holidays because we have a dog and a farm that can’t just be left.

He took eldest away for 2 weeks last summer. I took youngest away for 4 days. That’s the time we both could spare and what was affordable (Dh driving and camping, whereas I flew abroad and stayed in Airbnb). Neither of us asked permission of the other except to check that whoever was at home was available to be home those weeks.

All the people saying “just book it” are ignoring the fact that she may need the DH to take time off work to look after the youngest while she is away.

The solution is to take turns and agree now a time when you take eldest for a longer break.

How so? They have found away to let DS1 having a holiday with one parent without the younger autistic sibling. It's great. We often have to separate our sons because the older autistic one is giving the younger one a hard time.

Tough

Was your trip the first one where DH had been left alone with younger one? He was anxious about coping alone?

When do you next go away with older DS on your own? Perhaps don’t beg for time - just tell DH as he tells you.

Or is this more than just about this holiday issue. Do you not feel you have equality of decision making in other aspects of your life too?