To veto a double-barrelled first name

[londongirl5]

My wife is pregnant (we’re two mums). We’ve chosen a name we both like for the baby, say Ellie (I’m not using any real names here). She also wants to name the baby after her grandmother (say Peggy Sue, who was known as Sue). To honor her grandmother she’d like to name the baby “Ellie Sue” as a first name. I’d like the first name to be Ellie, with Sue as a middle name. Neither of us will budge.

I think double-barrelled first names sound silly and “common” and I don’t want my child to be judged at school, university/job applications, appointments etc. My wife thinks it’s offensive and classist that I feel this way. She also seems to think that because she’s carrying the baby she should have more of a say. I want to keep the peace but I feel like I’m always letting her have the final say in things and I can’t call my child a name I don’t like.

I wouldn't like it either. I think you both need to agree on it though, you need to get an equal say.

Double barrelled first names sound really naff. I’d stand your ground on this.

Yanbu. Those names are either very dated or trailer trash. Your wife is setting your dd up to be bullied.

Everyone will think you're a really tacky family if she has a double first name.

Is it because she wants the baby to end up being called “Sue”?

I think some double barrelled names can sound ok but ime often they are shortened to the first name of it only.

If it’s because she wants “Sue” can you go back to the drawing board and find a name similar to this as an only first name?

But even if the child ends up “Ellie-Sue” she’ll probably spend her life being Ellie, Ells or something similar. Which does make me wonder weather avoiding the double barrelled name in the first place is worth the fight?

Agree.

I don't really like double barrelled first names, but I don't think that's your biggest issue here.

The more worrying thing from my perspective is that she thinks she should get more of a say because she is carrying the baby. I would be concerned that she won't regard you as an equal parent and that this will keep being played as some kind of trump card to insist that her way goes. You need to have this out with her before the baby is born.

And of course, it's important for both parents to be happy with the name that you choose. It sounds like you're happy to honour her grandmother, so it isn't as if you're being unreasonable or inflexible. You just don't and to double barrel it.

No, she wants the baby to be “Ellie Sue” or “Ellie”. She just likes the idea of it being double-barrelled like her grandma’s name was.

I have a,double barrell name
Nobody has ever said it was common
That said it is a "70 ,s double barrell, name so not anything like Gracie-may .

If I was from a background where those types of names were popular, and my partner talked about how tacky they were, I'd be rethinking the relationship. Not only are you prejudiced, you're prejudiced against people like me. There's no coming back from that.

Equally, if I see nothing wrong with those types of names or people from that type of background, and you do, it's still a major incompatibility. I'd be horrified to discover this when we have a baby on the way.

Her grandmother was never called ‘Peggy Sue’, just Sue , so you could go for the full hyphenated first name but just use the ‘Ellie’ part in every day and ‘known as ‘ Sue?

Will the baby have your surnames hyphenated? A hyphenated first name and surname will look like Morse code.

But there seem to be other issues at play. Have you got female couple friends who are parents who can talk about dual motherhood and the respective feelings of each parent?

Between the two of you are differences of opinion usually dealt with by ultimatum / veto / who claims most ‘right’, or do you work through to consensus?

Divert from baby name discussion for a bit and focus on how you make decisions and how you will parent together?

Lots of heterosexual mums feel this way and are supported in those beliefs by other women. Carrying the baby gives you more rights than simply providing the sperm. So if you only provided the egg, then you're essentially in the same boat as dad's. If you didn't even provide that...

Do you not think it’s normal in a hetro parenting couple for lots of parenting decisions in the early days to be trumped by the mam because she has the hormones/intuition/connection? For example - whether to do breast or bottle, when to put baby on a feeding routine, how to do naps etc. I’m not saying the name thing is fair - it’s not- in my opinion both parents get an equal veto, but if you veto you have to suggest another you’d be happy with. OP can just say she’d veto all double barrelled names. My husband vetoed all Gaelic boys names.

Thank you for this perspective, I do need to reflect on it. If it makes a difference, my wife isn’t from the UK. I wasn’t sure she was aware of how the name might be viewed. I understand that I’m being prejudiced but it comes from a place of wanting to protect my child from being judged. I told my wife it’s not me who thinks the names are tacky - I’d be happy to call the child Ellie Sue to her face - it’s more how others will view her on applications etc. However there’s still a small part of me who cringes at the name being used as a first name.

Who are these others? They sound like scum. Maybe find better people to be around you before the baby arrives.

Ah that's tough, I wouldn't judge anyone else for a double barrelled first name but I wouldn't choose one myself.

You both need to agree at the end of the day - I didn't veto any of my husband's choices just because I was the one pregnant.

Of the name is double barrelled but you plan on just using the first name it may not be worth the worry.

Personally I wouldnt use a double barrels first name but I know many children who have them and it’s not been a problem nor have I judged.

Surname is her surname. I feel like we generally find decision-making easy, it’s whoever cares the most about something. I’m trying to be really understanding during this pregnancy as it’s her special time to grow and bond with the baby and so I’m not fussing about all the other little decisions and wouldn’t dream of trying to influence her feeding decisions as someone else mentioned. It’s just the name thing I really care about!

Personally agree with you wife that you are a classist snob.

Only on MN are double barrelled first names considered something to be ashamed of.

My dd is double barrelled and there were 3 other children in her year group of 22 at primary who also had double barrelled. Never bullied, never considered less of a person.

A friend of mine with a double barrelled first name is the MD of an incredibly successful business.

Your issue isn't the double barrelled name. It is the fact that neither of you can communicate or compromise.

I pity the poor child and not because of the name!

The admissions people at Cambridge? 😂

It doesn’t hold you back but it’s a pain for the child as with anything uncommon

I'm sure lots of heterosexual mums do consider themselves to be the main parent, but I don't personally agree with that.

Re breast vs bottle.... that obviously has to be the mum's choice because it involves her body. Same for decisions around the birth, where she wants it to happen and how much pain relief she wants etc.

But stuff like the baby's name and how to raise them should be joint decisions imo. But then, I expected DH to step up and pull his weight as an equal parent so I didn't think it was appropriate to appoint myself as the one in charge. If you want the other parent to take a back seat and have less responsibility overall, then I guess it's fine for you to call all of the shots.

As for the name thing... the OP has suggested an alternative, which is to use the second half of the double barrelled name as a middle name. Seems fair enough to me.

Appreciate this, thank you!

My now adult daughter has a name, let’s say Sally, middle name May. From day one my parents insisted on calling her Sally May, I have never done this ever, nor has my husbands family but my whole family have done for the past 25 years and it just shits me but she now goes by Sally May !! So yeah, have a first and a middle and let it be a nick name and hope it doesn’t last forever 😣

i think this is exactly what middle names are for. Then what you actually call her on a day to day basis is up to you.