To veto a double-barrelled first name

[londongirl5]

My wife is pregnant (we’re two mums). We’ve chosen a name we both like for the baby, say Ellie (I’m not using any real names here). She also wants to name the baby after her grandmother (say Peggy Sue, who was known as Sue). To honor her grandmother she’d like to name the baby “Ellie Sue” as a first name. I’d like the first name to be Ellie, with Sue as a middle name. Neither of us will budge.

I think double-barrelled first names sound silly and “common” and I don’t want my child to be judged at school, university/job applications, appointments etc. My wife thinks it’s offensive and classist that I feel this way. She also seems to think that because she’s carrying the baby she should have more of a say. I want to keep the peace but I feel like I’m always letting her have the final say in things and I can’t call my child a name I don’t like.

This is what i said in another thread. You can't insist that you need to do all the bonding and the majority of the care and then expect your co-psrent to magically step up and parent a 2 year old well.

Mainly the underprivileged white children at our primary school have double barrelled names. The children from wealthier backgrounds tend to have one name. The teachers and children never call these kids by their 2 first names, it's always the first name.

How does that work when a wealthy celeb from a WC background calls their kids Tilly-Leigh?

You are completely denigrating and minimising OP's relationship to the baby. You talk about how awful some people are for being prejudiced about certain names if they denote a lower social class, but you are being equally awful about OP's connection to her unborn child. If they both go on the birth certificate, OP will have equal rights to the child. You seem prejudiced against same sex couples.

Yes, exactly.

Or they consistently feel the pregnant party is the main parent and the other should play as assisting role to the CEO. It isn't like these attitudes aren't present when a man is the other parent. They are. I find it comforting that there is consistency (even though i still disagree) and that it isn't about sex.

Agreed. The baby will have two parents.

You're in a relationship, so if you don't like it, you're entitled to have your opinion heard, as is she.

Personally I don't like double barrelled first names. It always seems to be the same names chosen as the second bit. I teach a class where I have 5 double barrelled first names. Two of them X-Rose, and three X-May (or Mae or Mai).

(Obviously X being the first bit of the name which is different).

It's just a bit samey.

Considering how much more inclusive the top universities are trying to be you'd be better off double-barrelled than many other names.

I personally agree with you. I think 2 first names without a hyphen is a pain to explain all the time and I'm not fond of using hyphens in first names.

However more importantly I think everyone should be able to veto names they don't like.

In an ideal world double barrelled first names wouldn't be judged, but we don't live in an ideal world. Unfortunately they are widely considered either old-fashioned (my mum born in the early 50s has one and NEVER uses it- she just uses the first of the two names) or frankly lacking in class. I'm not saying it's right but I agree with you that the name will have negative associations and hold her back, especially in business, elite unis, certain social circles, and frankly any environment that you need to be able to manoeuvre in to improve your lot financially and socially. Names matter.

I don't get the hate for hyphenated names: my family tree is full of Mary-Anne's. My school had plenty of: Sarah-Jane's, Emma-Janes, Sally-Anns, etc.

What I couldn't stick would be two diminutives strung together. Eleanor Susan is a fine name. Ellie-Sue is not.

I wonder if people who agree that these names sound poor and that's off putting to things like admissions offices, readily admit that "foreign" and particularly "black" sounding names have a similar outcome in these aspects of life and you could be rejected just because it's obvious you are foreign and/or black.

I agree with this, and don’t agree with posters who say it’s just a MN thing. It’s not. It shouldn’t be the case but unfortunately it is that names do have associations. Kayden v Barnaby. Ellie-Mae v Rosalind.
Ultimately, OP, you and your DW have to choose a name that you both love. Neither of my DC’s have the two names that I love the most as my DH didn’t like them. I was sad at the time but I’m over it now.

Thank you, I agree!! Awful!

I don’t actually think that in real life people do judge on names like this. I work with a young woman with a double-barrelled first name and I have never assumed she’s tacky or common or anything like that - she’s a colleague same as all the others.

But your real issue is your wife thinking she getting more say. Nope. Bit of a red flag there.

Former Russell Group admissions tutor here. I can assure you that names are the last thing anyone at Cambridge cares about.

Elitism is rampant but among staff it is strictly of the intellectual variety

I completely disagree. I don’t like the way men/dads are often portrayed as useless from the very beginning simply because they didn’t carry/birth the baby. That’s not their fault. For two-mum families (and hetero families who adopt or do IVF) it’s a much more sensitive situation as they’ve been through so much to get to the pregnancy. Both of us wanted to be the pregnant one and provide the egg!

Read this a couple of times, what do you mean by "So if you only provided the egg, then you're essentially in the same boat as dad's. If you didn't even provide that..." ?

Edit: ignore me, didn't read the op properly

I know someone who double barrelled all her children's first name in line with their fathers no-one uses it they all just use the first name so Peggy-sue would just be Peggy

Unfortunately that is the case, and it’s awful.
However, fortunately times are changing so that foreign cultures are more respected and celebrated however I don’t think English working-class culture has got to that stage.

Your unborn child is going to Cambridge?

Great post, OP. I agree that mothers (in hetero situations) and birth mothers (in same sex partnerships) have agency on the question of breast v bottle.

And it is sadly true that sometimes partners prefer to shirk responsibility, especially for the boring and stressful bits. But when partners want to be enthusiastic, involved parents I like to see that encouraged.

I was going to say the same! DDs first and middle names could be double barrelled but aren't. Mil still double barrels them. You could have them as separate names on paper only? So your wife and who ever else can call her "Ellie-Sue" but her birth certificate will say "Ellie Sue"

I was poking fun at myself