To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

They aren't married and even if they were I doubt she signed up to spending all holidays with in laws.

@BotterMon Yes, I moved to my DH’s country and I visit the UK (with or without the children) far more often than he does. He came with us last summer for the first time since 2019.

OP, I’d suggest that your DH visits alone this summer and you go as a family at Christmas. Next summer, perhaps he can take your DD with him as it’ll get easier as she gets older and understands that she’ll see you again soon.

@Calmdownpeople Those of us actually in this situation disagree with you!

I think you don’t understand. A countryside little village in the middle of nowwhere is culturally completely different.
Let’s be realistic: OP’s husband came to the UK to make some actual money, it’s not sacrifice, it was an opportunity.
Little dirt-teack roads, no pavements, from the sound of it a totally different lifestyle.
My family live in Budapest and nearby and my husband only comes home with us every few years, reluctantly. Neither I made him learn an entirely useless (although amazing and so sophisticated) language he’d have no use of.

I don’t understand why noone could have given OP’s family a lift/called a cab to the hospital. Must be bloody remote.

OP, if you trust your husband, let him take the children.

If that’s the case I never went on a holiday until I was 14 because all our family holidays were visiting my grandparents elsewhere in the U.K.

Oh, the innocence…

@LegalAlienated I don’t always go with my DH when he visits his parents in this country (two-hour flight away), he’s taking DS to see them in July and I’m looking forward to a peaceful week with the dog. 😂

What on earth does Poland have to do with the OP partners country (which isn’t Poland). Not everyone who moves to the UK thinks it’s better than from where they are from - spare me that nonsense.

And those of us in this situation do agree with me. You don’t speak for all immigrants and neither do I. Just because you don’t agree and it’s perfectly fine you don’t doesn’t make my view wrong.

Yeah, I envy that. My husband is not that close to his family and complains about having to look after MY dog. 😂

Cos it's forrin innit, and it's all roughly the same place.

The countries are not even neighbours.

@Calmdownpeople You don’t seem to accept that we can have different opinions though!

In your posts, you call the OP “very selfish” and say that it’s “awful” for her husband.

Having lived abroad I know how important those trips home are. You are being selfish. He should be able to see his family at least twice a year.

@SipandClean I don’t think that anyone’s saying that he shouldn’t see his family, it’s whether the OP needs to come on every single visit. If she doesn’t, they might have some extra money for a short break for the three of them.

What do you think?

I understand.

My dad's sister was offended because we didn't stay with her. Bluntly, the living conditions were not appropriate for an adolescent girl.

Facilities throughout the village were much the same, but that particular aunt's husband failed to maintain theirs properly.

He could still do that if he accepted the OP's offer of a compromise where she could at least have a break in Budapest. She works hard: she's surely allowed to spend her hard earned money on a holiday which allows her some relaxation.

No I do - you are more than welcome to your opinions and views which aren’t right or wrong but then neither are mine. It’s a view and I stand by mine but happy you want to disagree.

Have you ever spent a day with people who you can't communicate with 'Ablondiebutagoody', because I can tell you, that when we lived in Portugal, even an evening trying to communicate when you're not fluent in the language, feels like torture, rather than fun. So please don't tell the OP that it sounds like a nice trip, she must be bored out of her head and very lonely most of the time they're there, especially as she says that once they start drinking, they forget that she doesn't understand what they're saying.

He should be able to see his family at least twice a year.

He can, but OP does not need to.

dbm

We have a savings pot specifically for the Hungary trips.

I’d stop paying into this OP. You partner is not being remotely fair. He can spend his money visiting as often as he wants, but he’s controlling the small amount holiday you have and making it only about him. Because where you have to go sounds fucking awful. Once a year is enough.

I think you're doing amazingly well with both the visits and the language learning. I've taken DS to visit his foreign GPs a grand total of once (he's 24 now) and only speak a handful of words in their language, which appears to be far easier than Hungarian. I don't see why you need to go twice a year tbh: once a year all together should be plenty, especially given the logistical difficulties and the fact that your DP's village makes Craggy Island look like a cosmopolitan metropolis in comparison!

You an expert? Thinking there are no English speakers in Hungary? The medical schools in Hungary teach in ENGLISH. Many Hungarians study medicine in English speaking countries: US, Canada, UK, Singapore.
It’s easy to find English speaking doctors or find MDs trained in English speaking counties. Hungary is not a backwater w no bilingual doctors.
The US embassy website for most countries have a link for English speaking medical care … British not always have a list.
hu.usembassy.gov/wp-content/uploads/sites/154/2024/12/Budapest-Medical-Providers-updated-12-2024.pdf

Jesus Christ. There’s always one.

When DH and I lived in our home country we hardly saw our parents at Christmas as my work had a holiday stop from mid-December until second week in January.

We lived 600km and 6 hours drive away from them. We tried to see them once a year, often met my PIL when they were on holidays in a more reachable distance and made an effort for big occassions.

We now joke that it takes basically the same amount of time to go to them from London then when we lived back home.

And - not everyone has always the need to visit constantly, we manage with zoom perfectly and I actually find that if I am vistiting I need at least one full day away from them to recharge. The same goes if I see my mum.