To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

Tonnes. You are being very melodramatic.
DP's family also speak Portuguese and pretty much no English. I love going over there (and the journey is way longer than a plane and a bus). I'm always made to feel very welcome, especially when drinking. Sounds like she needs to make more of an effort to get involved rather than mope around looking sour.

This is such a tricky one. It definitely doesn't sound like a holiday at all for you, but it sounds like visiting his family is more important for him than a holiday which makes sense. It's a shame he's not willing to compromise to make it a bit more enjoyable for you by spending some time outside of his village. I think if you skip the summer one on the year you go for Christmas, but if he still goes then I think you should let him take your daughter - They are her family too, and it's nice that she can spend time with her grandparents and experience the culture and language that is also hers.

I’m Hungarian. Medical schools do run courses in English, most ppl attending them won’t be Hungarian. Doctors working in remoteish hospitals definitely won’t be speaking English, the ones that do will be in the capital or abroad.

Aye, they don't think UK is better, but they persist in living in misery, right? Make it make sense? Especially Central Europe. Not like it is a Western European country.

Why can't the year you do Christmas there you do a summer holiday instead of going there twice? So it's basically once a year you are going which seems to be happening on alternate years anyways. So why not just make it a yearly thing of going there once?
So one year you go there for summer. One year you do a holiday. And on the years you do your own summer holiday you are doing Christmas there anyways?

You're a bit out of date. Poland joined the EU more than 20 years ago, and the quality of life there is now pretty much as good as the UK, from what I hear, and their access to healthcare is probably better. Even before Brexit the number of Polish immigrants to the UK was declining.

I lived in Budapest for a couple of years and loved it but agree with you about the countryside.

could you all (his family included) head down to Balaton for the summer trip? That feels like a proper holiday and is great for kids. My kids loved it there.

Also language wise - it is so hard, I get it. I worked 121 with a tutor an hour a day for over a year and got fairly good at getting by/ around etc but nowhere near fluency

Won't say it when you are visiting Scotland - they don't seem to be in a hurry to return to Poland. Same goes for other Central and Eastern Europeans. In Poland, a Polish doctor's average monthly salary is around 10,000 PLN (approximately $2,409 USD) - and that is doctors.

So you see your family once a month.

Hes only seeing his twice a year, I dont think that's a lot. It sounds like a whole different culture, which your daughter dwarves to be a part of. It's only a week.

I don’t mean this nastily, but how old is your DP’s father? With his alcoholism and heavy smoking, he may not live to a ripe old age, so the imperative to go back to Hungary may lessen naturally soon anyway.

This is the way

Don't waste your breath. That person is clearly so closed minded, they cannot even comprehend that some of us didn't have much choice but to move away from our homeland due to employment etc.

Go.on holiday yourself. You don't have to visit your boyfriend's/girlfriend's family.

Plus if they came to visit you, they'd have to sleep at yours??!

As someone who has been with an expat partner for 25 years, this is the reality of the life you've chosen, I'm afraid. Pretty much all of our holidays for a quarter of a century have been with the in laws. Luckily I get on with them, but my cheeks hurts from plastering a smile on my face for a whole 4 weeks at a time 🤣 But I do it for my husband, who has forgone living near his family, to live with me on the other side of the world.

Makes a sacrifice?

Surely that was her DP's choice to live overseas long before he met the OP?

Let him visit his family but OP doesn't always have to go. She could go away with friends or on her own.

@LankylegsFromOz Do you want to go every single time or would you be fine missing some of the visits so that you could do something else instead?

I’m completely fine visiting my family and friends either alone or with our children. I let DH decide whether he wants to come or save his leave for another time. He’s taken our teenagers on some great trips, also taken his parents on holiday, plus he has a hobby that I’m not particularly interested in. By not coming with me every time, he had leave and money to do these things. Plus one of us can stay at home with the dog! Different setups work for different people, I suppose.

No I'm always happy to go although sometimes I do wish we could do something else. Not enough to put my foot down or anything. We also try and add an extra part to the trip, when we go back. But even then the MIL normally comes with us 🤣 DH goes on his own occasionally as well.

Mixed nationality family here..

Unless you are rich enough, missing holidays for family trips is just part of the deal when you love someone from another country.

we have had this discussion a lot, and before our son was born we would do more holidays and often miss family trips. But since he was born it is hard to justify the holidays. As much as I would love more beach time, it is just better for everyone if my we go back to our families.

You can try and do both. We've done it where we visit family, and on the way there or way back we stop somewhere for 3-4 days. That works well if travel and time agrees. Or you can try and go on a holiday with your husband's family in their country (if they want and can afford it) this has also worked well for us, means you get both family time and a holiday.

But the reality is that there are trade-offs to any relationship, and the sacrifice of holidays for family visits is an incredibly common one for mixed nationality families, especially as soon as children are involved.

Would you be happy to not see your family for a year? Or even for 6 months.

Maybe not this year, but as you said it is a hot country, in future could you do a week with his family and then a week still in the country but more a holiday place?

So I'm picking a random country, say Croatia. You stay with family for a week and then have a week at the coast or somewhere more holiday like with a pool and things to do.

I know it must be hard work visiting when you don't know the language but it is his family.

Do they ever com to stay with you? I know with the smoking and drinking that wouldn't be easy either but if you did alternate summers with going to his village one year and then having them stay at yours would that work?

Alternatively have a few days with his family and then take yourself off to somewhere else for a few days, maybe in the capital city.

Again probably not for this trip but in the future.

It will get easier as your child(ren) get older, I have a friend whose parents moved to Spain and her son would spend the 6 weeks summer holiday with his Nan.

On the language learning, it is difficult to learn a language but you can get bilingual children's books, it might help you learn along with your toddler.

@Ablondiebutagoody , Who said she was moping around looking sour?
Portuguese and Hungarian are quite different languages, and I doubt that your in-laws live in a very remote village.

Given that OP's annual leave is about 20 days, do you really think she'd be overjoyed at spending about 4 days travelsick, and another 10 days in the company of a chain-smoking drunk?

Its two years since I last saw my.dads. (my mother died 10 years ago) sister and brother.

Am I happy about it? No but life has meant that we have not been able to afford going over. (2 children at uni dh was made redundant isn't managing to get a new job despite applying)

This is a part of accepting that you made a decision to live in a different country to your family.

Doesnt mean you are "happy" but it is a part of life if your life is in a different country to your family.

A good friend of ours moved to Australia 30 years ago he has been back 4 times. Last time was in April for his mother's funeral that was the first time in 20 years the 4 siblings were together as another sibling also lives abroad.

Its a part of the life you chose when you place down roots in a different country and you HAVE to be able to accept that. If not you will go through life feeling resentment and its all over a decision you made.

I thought I had posted this but can't find it. On one level its about expats and holidays but I see something else here. What I see is unequal sharing of family resource. Surely in a partnership whether married or not where there are no issues of support for steps and so on, the two adults should have equal control over how resource is used. From what the Op says that doesn't seem to be the case here? The partner says how annual leave should be used and funding for this takes choice away from the OP. Regardless of other issues, how is that fair?

OP married his partner. I disagree that this means she needs to spend all her holidays with his parents. Yes the partner wants to see them, but OP does not, does she? I don't hear that those trips bring her any joy.

And as an expat, I really don't mind if DH only comes with us occasionally. Frankly I want to spend time with family, relatives and old friends he might not know. We want to speak our language (also a notoriously hard one that DH will never learn). It's way more relaxing for me if I don't have to worry if DH is having a good time. Works fine.
Just send DH and later DH with DD. Have a separate holiday with your sister.

Question: how would this topic be answered if the OP would live at the Kent coast and has a DH who comes from a really remote and difficult to access area in the UK, let's say North Scotland, no airport, difficult by train and they don't drive.

Now her DH tells her that she has to spend her annual leave up in North Scotland where there is nothing to do (apologies to everyone in the region, I needed a long distance from the Kent coast).

Most likely there would be a lot more sympathy that holiday resources should be split, the DH shouldn't demand a family visit twice a year.