To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

It's tricky. Seeing his family is very important and you knew that before you had children with him.

However, as someone who now insists on at least one holiday just the 4 of us because as much as I like my in laws I don't relax the same if we go away with them, I think quality time just your nuclear family is important too. I agree it's not a proper holiday got you.

However, I think you need to be more flexible. You don't seem to have mentioned the option of uk holidays? You could do that for around the £800 extra the holiday abroad cost, particularly if you go in terms time or get a caravan (which little kids always love!) and then go to Hungary too. Most families don't get to go abroad every year. My 10 year old has only been abroad twice in his life. He's still had a lovely holiday that he and I have enjoyed every year.

Or how about if you don't go with him and dd every time he goes, to save on some of the costs to save up for other holidays, and give you a break from feeling left out. You could work that week and then have more leave to spend some one to one time with dd at other times?

I wouldn't even go on a holiday a where that involved 5 hours driving with a young child. Let your DH do a summer trip if he insists and do the Xmas one. Although that will change too as DCs get older and you are travelling with toddler and infant. I used to have to spend summer holidays with mothers' side of the family to a First World country but in the suburbs there us nothing to do except by car . Yes a BBQ is nice but kids being dragged around to visit relatives, grown ups start drinking is BORING. We hated it as kids . Rather be in summer camps with our friends and days out with parents.
Add a language issue and I would hate it . It is too bad for DH parents but that is the reality of immigration. Your DH could visit outside of peak times in order to keep in touch . Everyone has to accept that things change once you have children .

So what? He chose to leave. He chose to marry and have a child in this country, knowing that his family couldn’t/wouldn’t visit and there was fuck all to do where they live, and now he won’t even compromise on spending some time elsewhere in his home country on their sole week’s holiday a year.

He’s a selfish knob.

I think he should go on his own with the kids. l'm of the opinion we choose our partners, not their families and we can do things separately to spend more time with our families without the other person sacrificing their wellbeing if for whatever reason it doesn't work for them. Especially in a situation like this. Surely he can travel with a child. Having said that, did you have this conversation before having children together? Did one of you move the goalpost? Not saying you can't change your mind, just wondering.

Oh dear! That is difficult.

You’ve hit the nail on the head here! As you suggest, if you go at Christmas, then don’t go in the summer. Sounds entirely fair to me seeing as you pay jointly for the trips. Yes, you deserve a say and no, it isn’t fair if you’re not getting a say. You need to be able to afford other holidays, especially as your child gets older (‘mum, please can we go to Disneyland for a change this year? Everyone else in my class has been’ and so on) and you want them to have other experiences x

YABU.
I am your husband (my DP is British but we go back to my home country every year). This year we can’t afford that and a holiday. DP would never dream of turning up his nose because he’s bored or doesn’t speak the language. It’s hard to translate every second of every day but he will play with the kids or find something he wants to watch. Food is universal and you bond over that and a card game. He’s also happy to use google translate between him and everyone (you can download offline language if you don’t have WiFi). From my perspective my family isn’t getting any younger and I only have limited ‘weeks back home’ until some of them disappear. YABVU to give him an ultimatum OP.

Appreciate that the drink and smoke isn’t to your taste, it wouldn’t be to mine either but it’s 1 week.

Suck it up for another year, book an all inclusive for next year on instalments and by this time next year you’ll have two holidays.

I haven't read the full thread but we are in an amazingly similar situation, down to me and DC not speaking the language.

We go to his home country as a family every other year and in the between year he goes on his own for a week. On the year he goes on his own we have a family holiday close to my family who live at the other end of the country.

my husband and I are both immigrants and there’s no great solution here. Fortunately (or not) we immigrated to Scotland from the states together so have very little time with any of our extended family but it’s comes with a lot of down sides. My kids didn’t grow up with grandparents and have never met any of their cousins and just aren’t comfortable in our home country at all.

I think in this scenario ‘you’ go once a year and your husband and child go twice. Or could you go once a year but for longer? Like you fly home first and they stay another week. Then you take the kid(s) away somewhere else.

also wondering how often you see your own parents as it does seem relevant

Magyar really is a very hard language to learn so unless you have tried there is no need to eye roll. It’s a category 3 language so it’s not like duo lingo is going to make you suddenly fluent. Even if you were to pick it up from self study there are a tonne of nuanced rules that make it particularly hard for English speakers to learn. It also includes ‘sounds’ that are difficult to replicate- kind of in the throat ect so hard to take practical learning and then converse with someone

The problem is - if I understand it - that the OP's DH is refusing to compromise.

A Central European living in the UK is a sacrifice? Eh? You must be kidding.

As someone who has lived an entire adult life abroad - this is a dilemma that all immigrant families face. We did as you suggest, either Christmas or summer every year, and the Christmas years we went somewhere else in the summer. Not least of all because we actually wanted to see other places and experience new things on holiday as a family, not just trot back and forth between two places. These days there are lots and lots of ways to keep in touch, talk online etc. between the yearly visit, and when your children get older, they can choose to go on their own or to stay longer. You are really not doing some terrible thing by refusing to spend every summer doing this. If your DH really wants to go, then let him and you, your sister and your DD can go somewhere else together.

British people are such pushovers. So, a hungarian (we think) moves to the UK and meets a british girl and forever after she is expected to learn hungarian to please elderly people who don’t live in the UK and who have no intention of learning english for her, AND she has to spend money and use all her holiday allowance fulfilling her DH’s holiday dreams even though, quite frankly, it sounds like a nightmare for her. Why is any of this even a discussion? My in-laws wanted me to learn their language and I just said no. Learning a new language is a huge endeavour, it’s like doing a degree (I am learning a different language now and it’s a LOT). Don’t do that just to be polite.

Anyway OP sorry if ive missed it but there are other solutions- he goes without you but takes DD, you meet his family half way in a 3rd country, or you skip it entirely this year.

Of course it’s not fair. You should absolutely get a say.

You sound like you’re being very reasonable. Your partner needs to compromise.

I wish people would at least read OPs comments, she has answered a lot of the questions:

They see her DPs once a month, but clearly they live a lot closer

She works full time and has a toddler, she has no spare time - and indeed inclination - to learn the worlds hardest language in her rare spare time

She has proposed compromises to her DH so that they spend time in Budapest which has lots to offer a young DC, but he has refused

She doesn’t go 1 week in 52, currently she goes twice - once in the summer and once at Christmas.

One thing I am wondering OP, is £1000 is a lot for your trip if you’re not paying for meals and things when you’re there. I wonder if it’s because you are going at expensive times of year to fly. Would a compromise be going in a cheaper month, and then the money saved can be put towards a proper relaxing holiday?

OP, I've no idea why some people are giving you such a hard time.

Outside Mumsnet everyone would understand your position, especially since you sound pretty sensitive to his feelings about family.

Your DH on the other hand sounds like he's on the spectrum between thoughtless and a bit of a bully. He doesn't 'own' holidays just because he chose to leave his homeland (for good reasons). It should be split 50/50 - you each choose one per year. So simple and obvious unless.. is he domineering in other respects or assume that his voice carries more weight because he's male?

Oh and people who think she should 'just learn the language' - I speak 6 other languages, I also lived in Hungary for a year, took language classes and my Hungarian is still limited to about 2 sentences. It's a very hard language and 10 minutes of TV will make no difference whatsoever. I'm very impressed OP has managed the basics.

OP, do you have to go? Honestly I promise, my parents have no issues if DH doesn't join me and kids every time.

Thank you. I studied Russian and Comparative Slavonic Philology at uni. Tried to learn the basics of Hungarian in order to help ESOL pupils at my work. Did not succeed.

Yeah as much as family duty calls etc I'd be feeling burnt out if I were you given your 'holiday' also sounds like a bit of a test of endurance.
Wondering if you would be too worried about DD if he went with her alone?
Otherwise with that £800 difference fair enough you're not going to get all inclusive greek island but you could reasonably do 4 nights in Spain or Malta or somewhere off peak- would that be something you'd be able to do either with DP or your sister?
Alternatively again given you're not tied to school term time could you book a lodge with a hot tub for 3-4 nights with your DP and DD? We are paying £300 for a lodge with a hot tub for 4 nights in Yorkshire at end of September, yes it's not abroad and beaches but there are so many nice days out for a toddler and it ends up quite relaxing.

i'm bilingual and my first language is a language that online translators don't cope all that well with.
Even if someone learns the language, they are likely to learn a regional version.

In real life, knowing that regional version might not be enough if you were visiting another region.

Imagine if you learnt text book English, but visited somewhere with a strong regional accent.

Yup.

I did a brief course in Serbo-Croatian when I was young and I'm now learning Serbian online.

Turns out that some of the variants that I learned in the village are most definitely not standard Serbian and would be misunderstood or frowned upon elsewhere.

Would you be okay with only seeing your family 1 week every 2 years?

Yes he’s made a sacrifice by living abroad but surely twice a year isn’t a big deal? I can’t see why you can’t do that AND a family/summer holiday as well? You can get some bargains and your child would be free with a lot of companies.

I wouldn't try to cut down on his time with his family when he has so little of it anyway.

However, I think the situation could be improved on here and there, adding up to you being happier with it.

As has been mentioned, he could go alone on some of the trips or take your daughter with him, especially as she gets older. You might not get a great family vacation out of it but you'd at least get some time off for yourself.

Also, as an older person, I'll say that different life phases offer different things. We weren't able to take many recreational trips at all when we were raising a family. But now, the kids are grown, our parents have passed away, we're retired and we go everywhere. Just saying, if you don't get every experience in this phase of life, that doesn't mean you never will.

Also, you'd probably endear your husband to you endlessly if you worked on that language, even an hour a week or with set goals for each yearly trip. It doesn't have to be any huge time investment but any improvement in the language would likely improve your visits.

You could also try ways of bringing more to the table yourself, as far as making the visits with his family more enjoyable, even if in small ways. You could have your husband ask ahead of time, if it makes sense to. A few ideas:

Bring a big jigsaw puzzle with a roll-up thing if it needs to be put away when not being worked on (take the puzzle out of the box and put it in a plastic bag and it won't take up much room in your luggage). Set it up for the family to work on together while watching TV. It cuts down on boredom and is somewhat of a bonding activity. Even better if the puzzle is of local relevance.

Invite any along who want to go with you on a daily walk (the pram stage won't last much longer).

Cook, especially local dishes and especially together, if anyone else wants to.

Craft or art activities, especially if you learn about any that are local specialties. It could be brought up "for the kid" but others might enjoy joining in. Simple is fine, even something like painting a pretty pinecone or making a pasta necklace. Maybe one per day, even.

It doesn't take that much to pass a day pleasantly, if you plan it out ahead of time, which may be the best you can do with this, all around.

Best wishes. :)

Most people I know who have moved overseas do not always visit home with their spouse/child. It would be good to organise things so your partner gets to go see his family alone or with your child, and you don’t always have to go too.