To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

She did play a part in the decision to marry someone from another country. Surely she had some thoughts around this.

You have 2 very easy options, either never go and visit his family but never visit yours either. Or every other year instead of spending Christmas with your family go on holiday for Christmas!

As for learning the language; it seems like you don't even want to try! You should be learning alongside your child!

I don't think they are married.

Maybe she did. As I previously said, there might have been a conversation around visits home but There might have been room for it to be more detailed. The point still stands that if he wants to go and visit his family he can go. You could be married to someone and live in Cornwall whilst their relatives are in Inverness. It’s not essential for the family to go every summer. And even worse for the OP she has a two year old child - not school age and they are having to pay a premium to go at Christmas and the summer holidays because somebody else can only go then. Madness.

She actually has managed to learn some, according to her posts, but is finding it very difficult - understandably so: it's very difficult for an English speaker to learn a Finn-Ugursk language.

I wouldn’t be able to stand a visit like the one you have described. I wouldn’t call it a holiday at all.

HE also has a 2 year old child. A child
he would like to take home to Hungary twice a year.

@RhiannonTheFlorist OP, you seem to be the only person who is willing to compromise. It’s great that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to not staying with your alcoholic father-in-law, but your partner needs to realise that if you’re going to be contributing to the holiday pot, then you need to have more of a say in the holiday itinerary.

First of all, he needs to hire a car so you don’t have to deal with taking the bus etc. Secondly, he needs to be willing to consider to travel with just your daughter especially the years that you’re all traveling as a family in December. Seeing as your alternating, you could tell him that the years that you don’t go in December, you’ll join him in the summer. Therefore the years that you do all go in December, you won’t be joining him in the summer. Make it clear that this is you compromising if he wants you to contribute to the holiday pot that he’s seems to also using to help his family members pay for bills etc.

What’s more, when you go to Budapest or Lake Batalon or wherever, his family does not have to come along if they don’t want to travel the distance. If he hires a car, he can drive to see them. Alternatively, you could rent a villa or just stay in a holiday resort and your partner can drive and pick up family members or visit with you and your daughter or even by himself. You need to tell him that if he refuses to compromise, you’ll stop contributing to the holiday pot because it’s meant to be a family holiday for everyone and not just for him.

It’s also great that your daughter is becoming bilingual so hopefully you can do more regular FaceTime/Zoom calls with your partner’s family members and that would help her and you practice without the pressure of a social situation where you feel you’re stuck and you can’t leave the room because of the awkward stares from the villagers etc. This should be up to your partner to arrange and accommodate and doesn’t need to be a lengthy phone call.

Once you can, try to also get your license so that the trips where you do hire a car, you too will be eventually be able to drive and this will give you both more flexibility. You can also then do more frequent road trips even in the UK for weekend getaways especially when your daughter is quite young.

The journey to visit his family sounds horrendous. Are they not able to visit you instead? It doesn’t seem fair, especially with a toddler, but you have to make it all the time and they don’t reciprocate. I certainly wouldn’t put myself and toddler through it twice a year, as this will be their turn for. Christmas visit. It’s not fair on you or your toddler and your husband could go alone for summer or them come to you. .

Mum and dad took us kids to Hungary every year for 3 weeks in the summer to visit and stay with family. Dad drove. I’m surprised it isn’t considered a holiday. If that’s the case I went on holiday for the first time aged 20.

Your DP needs to go on his own every other year, and choose cheap off-peak times to go. If it's just about seeing family then he can pick a random weekend in March, for example.

I'm also married to a Hungarian with a bilingual child, I do speak Hungarian but I can't keep up with multiple people talking at once. I've been learning for 15 years, I went to night school, do Duo Lingo every day and still am not fluent. I already speak 2 languages fluently, so it's not lack of ability or effort - Hungarian is really hard to learn.

We've generally gone with every other year for a Hungary holiday, but DH is extremely careful to make me feel included when I'm there, and translates for me when needed. We also don't spend all our time indoors drinking!
If Budapest is too expensive and Balaton is too far, why not go for somewhere like Dunabogdány (cheap, lovely clean sandy beach), or Leányfalu (hot springs, gorgeous all year outdoor spa pools), or Szentendre (city, lots to do, nice beach)? All near Budapest (1h on the bus) you could get a Panzio for a few days really cheaply, then carry on to your DH's village.

OP never said she wouldn’t let her husband take their child though, so you’re talking about a completely different scenario.

I think this is one of the things to consider if you marry someone from another country. You don’t really have “holidays” your annual leave is spent visiting their relatives. This should have been discussed before marrying.

No she has said this or this is what I understand from her post, though she has not come back to clarify. I have said in all my posts that I understand that OP doesn’t go, but that he should be able to go with his child.

I also don’t understand that it can be that expensive to fly to Hungary if you book your tickets I’m in advance etc

Reading back, you’re right. I’d also understand OP not feeling comfortable letting a 2 year old stay if everyone’s drinking every night and also wanted if her husband would even want to look after his own child for the entire length of time.

Flights to Hungary costs the same as going to a beach holiday in peak season. While the child is this young I’d avoid the summer months as well.

Sounds grim OP. You shouldn’t have to endure this. Certainly does not sound like a holiday. Draw a line under these twice yearly trips and go once a year instead.

It would require more buses, but why don't you go to a resort while you're there? Guessing from the language, but Poland has lots of coast and Hungary has lake and spa resorts. It's not Spain but its still a holiday. I have sympathy: we're stuck going back to ugly bits of the UK with horrible rural buses for our holidays, which costs much more than €1000! That's life though

Where does it say the husband doesn’t want to look after the child and everyone is drinking all the time? Again, if this was written by a man, the answers would have been so different!

I moved to the US to marry my husband. I don't regret it but we only see my family once a year, if that. It costs a lot of money and it's a huge trip, but if my husband told me he was tired of spending time with my family and wanted to go to the beach instead I would be heartbroken. That is his family and your child's grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. You are being selfish. If you want a different holiday you can surely go away for a couple of nights in the UK or something. Or go to France for a few nights, that won't break the bank.

Have you learnt a language of a country when you don’t live in the country? Thought not. Do you speak any other languages other than English? Obviously not.

My inlaws live in the Balaton area and even then I always think of myself as hard done by when I have to go over!
Your portrait of the small village is so familiar - exactly like the village my inlaws live in. There used to be a shop that looked like some kind of pre iron curtain dystopia, it's long gone, and there's nothing else public in the village other than the church. My inlaws retired there 20 years ago and despite MIL being good with languages (she speaks French and Italian in addition to her native German) she never got on with Hungarian and can speak enough to do her shopping and stuff but no more than that. We are lucky enough to be on a bit higher budget than you, and DH has no links to Hungary other than his inlaws, so we hire an Airbnb when we're there, we stay in Budapest a day or two, and we hire a car from the airport - is the rail connection still a 2 mile hike from the arrivals?
I think your husband is being pretty unreasonable here - of course visiting his parents is important to him but let's not pretend it's a holiday to you because it's not. So you're funding his holidays out of your own pocket and getting none of your own? And he's not even trying to compromise. With a child not yet in school you could be making the most of off peak flights by flying out like on a Tuesday afternoon in term time, but he's dictating when you go as well, he doesn't want to go alone either - he would want to remember that he was the one who wanted to leave Hungary. I've been there, it's hard especially when you realise your kids are not the same culture as you. But once you have your family you need to make your mind up to it a bit.

Your DP pays for the home country visit once a year. You pay for a U.K. holiday once a year so that your child can discover the U.K. Christmas on a shared basis - one year in your dp home country and the next with your family.

I had 25 years of only visiting my DH’s family as a holiday. We did have the odd weekend away, a cheap UK holiday perhaps, but nothing major. I resented it at times, I was visiting Africa so very exotic- but even though I may have been on safari I was still with my irritating in-laws. I hear you, but I feel we have to suck it up.

@MrsDexterr It says in OP’s post: the only entertainment is tv and drinking. Believe me, plenty of ppl live like that.

It doesn’t say OP’s husband is not willing but I’d bet my hat on he isn’t if he’s got no consideration of how incredibly bored OP must be there. Everybody laughing/drinking while she’s sober looking after kids.

Of course YANBU. Visiting his family doesn't need to be so awful, but they all make it so and are completely inflexible.

The year you spend Xmas in Hungary, you and DD go on a different holiday in the summer. You get a say in how your money is spent!

Your DH can choose to visit family again or join you and DD on a different holiday.

I'm from a country really far away and visiting family doesn't feel like a holiday and it's extremely expensive. I'd love to visit more if it was cheaper and the journey was shorter, but our family needs holidays just us too, so we only visit once every few years. It's very unfair of your DH to expect you to never have another holiday except for visiting his family.