To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

I totally disagree. Why have you decided the decision to live away from his family is all OP’s? And the sacrifice all her partner’s?

cant just the three of you go for a few days ?
or hire minibus and take them all?

I know so many people can’t afford to go abroad at all and I should be grateful to travel even if it’s the same destination every time, but I work damn hard for my spare money.

You don’t need to justify yourself for wanting a holiday. There will always be people with a lot less and a lot more than you, you sound entirely reasonable. Unfortunately, the majority of responses on here, whatever your post is, will be to belittle you. If you had posted the reverse and you were your DH in this situation, you would’ve got absolutely pasted for his expectations too. The same posters would be saying how you couldn’t expect to move to another country and then force your partner to return to the same place twice a year blah blah blah!

I really feel for you and hope you can sort this out because I would start to dread it.

I didn’t say they had the right to demand so that is sensationalising a little bit.

Also actually being an immigrant, and with siblings who are also immigrants (I'm one of four, and we all live in different countries), visiting twice a year would be far too expensive and take up far too much of our time off work, and yet somehow we have all maintained an interest in each other's families, and indeed have relationships with each other.

We've done lots of varieties of visiting - celebrated Christmas in February, gone individually with some but not all of the children, met up in third countries. We've utilized FaceTime and messaging and all sorts of other methods to stay in touch.

Well, it sounded like it - you told thestudio that they couldn't possibly know what they were talking about (because they weren't an immigrant) because they said...

"Think about it OP. How does it come about that he 'insists' and gets his way? It's likely because you back down because you know he would make life unpleasant if you didn't.
That's controlling behaviour.
And in terms of the immigrant experience, he can't have it all ways. If he has made a relationship and a family here, if he is earning more in the UK to improve his prospects and be able to help them out wiht bills, then he has to give some things up. In this case, two home trips every year at his wife's partial expense and against her wishes.
Anyone would see that isn't fair or equitable, unless they believe that their needs are more important than their partners and they're prepared to bully in order to get what they want."

That’s great if that’s enough for you. It wouldn’t be enough for me. I have a need to physically see my family, hug my parents etc

Like I have said previously, this was all discussed before we settled together and had children.

And that's great if it works for you, but it's perfectly possible to have a relationship with family that you and/or your spouse do not see twice a year.

Yes but I wouldn’t expect my DH to decide what works for me and luckily he doesn’t.

Honestly, just reading through this again makes me mad for you. Why on earth would you want to spend your valuable with time off in what sounds like some kind of shanty town with rather dubious characters. You deserve better than this.

So presumably you agree that the OP’s husband should not be deciding what works for her?

I also want to see my parents. DH, on the other hand, understandably, does not have a similar need to see my parents. So it would not be fair if I personally decided that all our holiday budget will be spent on something that only I want, and he finds very challenging.

So my DH can pop around to see his parents every weekend. We see them all the time. I absolutely expect him to have a relationship with my family too. We didn’t have any other holidays for 13 years when we first got together as all the money was spent visiting my country. I set my expectations on this early on and DH knows he is lucky to have me here in the U.K. so it’s not an issue for him.

@MrsDexterr We have a different situation in that both sides of the family are scattered.

Re. Relationships with each other’s families.
I suppose I’m less bothered, because I know that while I get on well with DH’s parents/siblings, I don’t love them and vice versa. DH is their real priority so if I only see them once or twice a year, that’s fine.

Sane with my my elderly Dad. He needs support so I visit regularly. He likes DH well enough, but he’s primarily interested in me and the children.

Perhaps in the future I’ll feel more strongly about seeing my DC’s partners, who knows.

Can you have another week in that country or nearby country that’s just the three of you? That way you’d get a holiday too but would only spend once on the airfare.

I think I'd try to trade. He gets to visit his family with your DC twice a year, you go on holiday to a resort with your sister, plus you go this Xmas together. You try to set yourself a target to learn 100 words in his language on top of what you already know. He can teach you and your DD too. Next year you go with him to visit his family and show your new language words. Repeat cycle.

Does your DH have a horrible time every time you visit your parents or does he enjoy himself? If he enjoys himself, he isn't really making a sacrifice. If he doesn't, he is a saint to spend all his holiday time in places that he doesn't like and with people whose company he doesn't enjoy.

The visit to OP's partner's family is not pleasant for OP in any way and posters who are immigrants from that country have confirmed her accounts. OP's DH refuses to spend any time during the visit in places which would be more enjoyable for OP and her daughter. He is also expecting OP to fund half the cost of these trips. They are not married and have separate finances but all OP's spare money is being spent on these trips instead of going into her own savings. She is happy for him to go alone so she isn't stopping him seeing his family, but he gets upset and guilt trips her into going. He sounds very selfish.

Out of interest and furtgervto my other post, why do your in laws put pressure on you to learn their language? Are they, in turn, learning to speak yours? It doesn’t sound like it. Plus why can’t they visit you and therefore you alternate going to them and them
coming to you. .

already been explained. They REALLY can't afford it and the older ones couldn't cope with the journey.

This. All of this

Would you be happy to see them once a year?
That's what you're asking him to do

hang on.....he chose to leave his place of birth, chose to take a partner and start a family in the UK and chooses to give money to his family to cover their bills. He is actually using the money earned by the OP for this. how is that fair?

OP hasn’t been back and since her posts, her story has been developed by many posters including a lot of assumptions. It would be interesting if OP came back to this thread.

I'm not saying otherwise.
I'm just asking the question

The OP's partner won't compromise.

It was very much like that in our case - and I can understand it: Dad hardly ever got to visit his family, since we simply didn't have the money. However, it really was't fair on mum or on me - we were on an endless round of visiting relatives and not being able to communicate, in spite of our best efforts.

The one time that Mum did have more of a holiday was the time that the airfare was provided by one of her family members. Mum then took charge of booking everything and booked them into hotels. It was a much better experience for her. Also, by then, a couple of my cousins could speak some English. (Yes, Mum had tried to learn the language, but only managed some phrases. There were no classes available and the internet didn't exist.)