To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

@MuskIsACnt Are family visits the only holidays that you take and do you join him/the children every time?

This is where our family differs from some posters as I’m fine for DH not to come with me/me and the children, so he can use his leave in other ways, such as taking the children on other trips while I stay at home and dog sit. I also don’t come along every time he visits his parents, because that’s a two- hour flight.

I have a separate account for trips home. DH does contribute towards them sometimes, but they’re mainly funded by me.

you say tomato, i say tomayto
you say 'stubborn' I say 'controlling'

Think about it OP. How does it come about that he 'insists' and gets his way? It's likely because you back down because you know he would make life unpleasant if you didn't.

That's controlling behaviour.

And in terms of the immigrant experience, he can't have it all ways. If he has made a relationship and a family here, if he is earning more in the UK to improve his prospects and be able to help them out wiht bills, then he has to give some things up. In this case, two home trips every year at his wife's partial expense and against her wishes.

Anyone would see that isn't fair or equitable, unless they believe that their needs are more important than their partners and they're prepared to bully in order to get what they want.

While kids are young they don’t care about an all inclusive beach holiday to Spain, they’re thrilled with camping in the UK at minimal cost.

What about OP wants though, those are her holidays too. Village in Hungary or camping in the UK would for me personally be equally unappealing.

Can you do a few days with his family and then a resort for the other half?

I agree. Our happiest holidays have probably been AI type ones because I can relax too and then we are all free to spend time together being in the moment. The kids have enjoyed my relaxed mood which is because of the place.

I'm sure if we did a poll - nice all inclusive resort verses remote Hungarian village - I know which would win ......

No but he can leave his job anytime and get a job back in his home country. He can’t do that with his partner so not sure your ‘logic’ follows.

Yeah no it’s not that black and white. Unless you are an immigrant I’m afraid you just don’t understand and see it through the lens of no being an immigrant.

2 separate holidays a year, Christmas and summer.
Sunny beach fly and flop or long flight and bus journey ro the inlaws?
That's a toughie.

I think most of us find visiting the inlaws can be tricky, but throw in the rest of the OP's scenario .....

What you are describing is not a holiday. You are very much within rights to want a holiday.

Yes, if you say no, some people won't like it. Their happiness is not more important than yours. You've done this multiple times.

If your husband really won't have it you can keep your money out of that pot and get yourself a holiday, but don't spend all your leave and budget going there. It doesn't work for you. I'd struggle with doing that even once a year!

We have a savings pot specifically for the Hungary trips.

That is what needs to change. You should restructure so that you each have a separate pot for travel and decide what to spend your share on. If he wants your share to go on a Hungary trip it has to be a trip on your terms - eg with time in Budapest or a resort etc. He doesn't get to call every single shot over a joint pot. It might also be the case that not all trips take place in peak time when the family are together to stretch his pot further.

of course he can.
Partner does not have to follow.

But... she's not an immigrant. His immigrant status does not trump all.

And anyone who 'insists' on anything against the known wishes of their partner, in such a way that the partner always backs down, is coercive.

I think the best solution (assuming this is one particular issue and not a symptom of a bigger problem of him controlling you financially in other ways) is to split this up - you each get your own amount of money to spend on whatever you like - he spends his on trips to see his family, you spend yours on whatever you like.

Otherwise I think the longer term solution is to split the trips up so he takes your child(ren) twice a year and you join them once and save the rest of the money to take yourself and the kids to somewhere else. Or go once a year and stay for two weeks instead of a week as the flights are the major expense.

But on a practical level there's a difference between 'seeing my parents twice a year' and 'seeing my parents twice a year at the most expensive time possible' that is worth talking about as well. I'd push back on this as well - you don't have school schedules to consider so you can go whenever. And you can rent a car (you'll have to both get over the driving thing as this just isn't manageable)

As an immigrant of course a lot of my disposable income is spent visiting my parents (and inlaws) and it's annoying but it's just how it is. But we are from the same country and choose to live here so we just find a way to make it work. Totally different situation altogether.

The comparison how often OP sees her own parents is not equivalent, I doubt she insists they spend several weeks per year living at her relatives and without leaving their respective village during that time. My in-laws are perfectly nice, I'm happy to see them for lunch, but I would get divorced if DH insisted we spend all holidays at their farm.

op has suggested this, partner says no

I asked my friend who grew up in a village in Romania about this mindset when I saw her today. She said that Central Europeans always expect and are expected to go home as much as possible. It’s an inherent part of the culture and the rest of the village will think poorly of your family if you don’t. She only goes back every few years as she doesn’t get on with her family. She and they get a lot of stick for it.

That being said, I completely agree with you OP.

Absolutely this and to my earlier point that it’s a man being discussed. If it was a man refusing his immigrant wife to go home with her child to see her family twice a year, he would be called coercive, controlling etc
A holiday is a luxury not everyone can afford. I do not see a comparison between a holiday and going home to see family. Also we don’t know anything about their finances as OP hasn’t been back. If you can afford a couple of flight to Hungary a year, you are hardly going to afford an AI holiday unless you saved for 10’years….

he always says “I’ve seen Budapest loads of times, we don’t need to go” bla bla bla

Yeah, but that really isn't his call is it.
As you say, your joint money is being spent on this trip so you should get a say about how it is spent. Tell him it is non-negotiable and stick to your guns.

I agree with pp that it is harsh to cut back on the frequency (it isn't twice a year is it, it's 3 times every 2 years).
Also, as other PPS have said when DD is older he can take her on his own, and you can have a separate holiday.

Hang on in there - it will get easier over time.

For now trips to visit the in-laws are the only overseas holidays we take (more for ethical than financial reasons, I.e. reducing carbon emissions).

I always go because the kids are young and the flights would be too much for DH on his own with the kids.

My main point though is that I think if you choose to have kids with someone with family abroad then you should be willing to facilitate a relationship with that family as much as possible. But then I think family is hugely important, not everyone feels that way.

@MuskIsACnt I can understand not wanting to fly more given it’s a 20-hour flight each way.

What’s clear to me from this thread is that as is often the case, what works well for one family simply wouldn’t for another. Compromise and flexibility on both sides are essential, however. For example, I haven’t spent Christmas in the UK for about a decade and I’d love to again. But it’s never worked for us time or price-wise so we just can’t. I can visit off season though…chilly February is a great month for a good airfare, I wonder why…😂

As an immigrant I totally disagree with you, and agree with thestudio.

Being an immigrant doesn't give you, me or any other immigrant the right to demand that their spouse goes along with what they want when it comes to visiting family.

Actually being an immigrant I expect my DH to take an interest in my family and come along to visit them and have a relationship with them just as I have with his family. I spend a lot more time with his family naturally, but visiting twice a year would be my minimum expectations of him considering he lives 15 minutes from his own family and can just pop around. I also go by myself and the children.

Visiting family (especially someone else’s family) is not the same as a holiday. You make it sound like OP has made him live away from his family when you talk about a “sacrifice” - presumably that was his decision and OP didn’t force him! Also can the partner’s family not visit if they want to see them?