To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

Omg did my husband write this 🤣🤣🤯

I see, so I won't be asking the obvious question then, just take your word for it, OK?

Yanbu. There's nothing to stop him going on his own and when DD is older he can take her. Once a year for you is fine, He might even prefer going on his own a few times until DD is a bit older

Why does your DP passing only last year mean he can’t hire a car? Is this some sort of rule that you have to have been driving for a certain length of time. Cos that’s what I came on here to say, hire a car. It sounds like a nightmare without one and no, not much of a holiday with a toddler it tow.

Could in laws visit you every other Christmas so you would have enough money to visit them in the summer and maybe go somewhere else as well

I know in a lot of Europe you have to have passed for at least 12 months

Hi. I sympathise as have this exact same situation. We now do a dual holiday and go to a beach in his country for three days and then visit his family. (I’d prefer that we went after but dh won’t). It’s so hard - especially as my dh’s nan is now 96 and I don’t want to stop her from spending time with her great grandson.

And that is you opinion and you are more than entitled to it.

I feel exactly the opposite and stand by what I said .

I feel so sorry for you OP and your DP, I’m in your DPs position and the guilt trips I get from my family! I go with my 2 DCs 3 times per year, my parents visit 3 times and we take them for 1-2 weeks holidays with us. And I still get - what? You’re coming for 10 days not 14? (My older DC is in school now so sometimes longer isn’t possible) I get - well so you’re coming just for 8 days because 2 days is for travelling 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s sooo frustrating! I love them, see them as much as I can and still get that.

before children when I worked full time with 25 days holiday allowance I went home only once per year because I wanted to see the world and go to other places. It wasn’t taken well but this was when I said to my parents - if you want to see me more you have to make an effort too and come and visit me. So they started coming regularly.

holidays in my home town are very boring for my DP who is British. He’s learning my language but it’s hard. Also my parents’ flat is tiny so when you add us (4 ppl family) it gets super crammed. My parents would be very offended if we got a nearby Airbnb. So it is difficult. I’m fortunate that my DP is ok with me just going with the kids, once or twice a year he joins us for last 5 nights and we travel home together. There are things to do but really I’d rather he wasn’t with us though the whole stay as then I have to make sure he’s ok, translate all the time, organise days out where I just want to visit my family and relax. All of my family absolutely love my DP.

Im aware this might be not an option for you to let your child go with your DP only and you join them. Maybe later when DC is older this could be the option for you? I don’t know what to suggest, just posting to sympathise. A Central European village life must be super hard if I find it hard in a mid size city where I’m from. Now my 5yo says he doesn’t want to go to my country anymore because daddy isn’t coming so he doesn’t want to leave daddy at home all alone 🙄 it’s hard but you’ll find a way but both of you have to make many compromises

So why don’t GP visit them? Who made up this shit that adult children who themselves are now parents have to an annual pilgrimage back to see the grandparents. Not being judgey but I bet they have lots of other grandkids and unless the DP is teaching his child his language they will only have a limited relationship. The travel is awful, the environment (smoking in in 2025!). Let him go back on his own. Take the gc if he must.

then you can afford a holiday with your sister , gc probably free/ little cost for a few years.

We have livestock and animals to look after and once we got the point of DC being too big and needing a separate room, we now holiday separately. DH does his holidays with his side of the family, I do mine. Doesn’t cost anymore and DC get twice as many holidays. We have 50 weeks of the year together sharing the same house. I am quite glad of the break tbh.😄

OP just wanted to say I hear your frustrations. My husband is also Hungarian and my family also live abroad in a different European country so trying to fund flights and balance annual leave to see both families equally is tough. We’ve jointly taken the decision to spend Christmas as a family at home and visit out of season the rest of the time to keep costs down. It was much easier when flight prices were lower, I feel your pain. Luckily we both also see the importance of family time together so do a family holiday once every 2 years, maybe this is something you can suggest?

@TheEveningSun Honestly, I’d ignore their protestations and get an Airbnb, especially as your children get older. I used to endure sleepless nights with us all crammed into my in-laws basement. After one particularly uncomfortable visit, when all four of us were exhausted, I put my foot down.

My IL’s huffed the first time, but now they accept that it’s much easier if we have our own accommodation.

“ Who made them the boss of you “ 😂😂
brings me back to when I was little ..
I always use to say “ you’re not the boss of me “
Sorry , that has absolutely nothing to do with anything , just felt like saying 😂
Please continue with thread

Get over yourself !
OP has outlined her reasons for not wanting to go this time around ..
You’ve come along & basically ignored everything she has said & come up with
You’re so selfish , suck it up ! !
She’s not selfish & she doesn’t have to suck it up ..
Sounds miserable to me & I’d be going with my sister !

I don't really have a solution, 'cause I'm in a similar situation, but 3x worse (think small town in SA Asia, full of dirt, mosquitoes, stray dogs, harrowing poverty and shady taxi drivers). It takes us 2-3 changes to fly there and then 5-hour car journey / 4-hour taxi/train to end up in a basic village-style mosquito and cocroach-invested bungalow with glassless windows and an open drain just outside in a garden. No country in Europe compares to this (and I'm from EU) and I've been going there every year bar Covid for 15 years, including taking a screaming, 10-month old baby with us. I find it bizzare that you felt scared at a doctor's office in a European country - a language barrier sounds like a convienient excuse. Think about what you would do if you had to spend 2 weeks a year sleeping 4 people on one bed in a hot room under a mosquito net with unfamiliar rodents/insects roaming on the floor, unfamiliar sounds just outside of the windows, being fed with stories about how a neighbour got violently tortured and murdered in a case of fake gold deal that had gone wrong. In a house where the younger DIL is an unpaid servant, spending whole day cooking, cleaning, taking care of her child and doing laundry and never leaves the house (at all). But I did sign up for this when I got married, so here I am. It's just that not many people who are crazy in love envisage what their lives would be like in 10+ years.

It became easier for us once we opted for hotels. I'm afraid that I was economical with the truth with the relatives: I told them that it worked out cheaper for us, that it was an excursion. However, it was a tailored excursion including transfers - much easier for us, given my late husband's health issues.

It was also easier from a bureaucratic point of view - no need to to ask relatives to help us get a Visitor Permit: it's done automatically via the hotel when you travel as a tourist.

It also stopped relatives competing for us to the same extent, though we still had the problem of getting round everyone.

I'm assuming that village life overall is possibly a bit more comfortable for most now - even back in the '80s, I was sharing stories with other folk in the same position of villages without proper WCs - but the other problems remain.

No but you have to be realistic that things do change.

Similar to when I moved 600km and a 6 hours drive away from my parents or when DH decided to stay where he went to uni instead of moving back home but still stayed in the same country.

You make decisions and they have consequences. You can't expect that you build a relationship and a family and always put your parents first. That's not how it works.

With modern technology you can keep in touch and talk about events locally via zoom/face time. You don't need to sit in your parent's kitchen to discuss autnie Mary's hip operation.

I am utterly grateful that my parents and my PIL realised and supported us that we won't spend each day we have as annual leave visiting them.

DD is happily embracing her non-UK side at evey opportunity despite only being in our home country maybe once a year and when we decided to choose to spend our family holiday there, it was in a very different area without seeing family at the same time.

@Butterfly123456

I'm assuming that it's not that bad in the village that the OP's partner comes from, but there are still villages in ex-Communist Europe where the roads are dirt tracks and people are living in cottages with earthen floors and no plumbing. (The more mountainous the area, the more likely that is to be the situation.)

The DIL situation that you describe is familiar to me.

Your DP sounds very selfish.

Do you ever put your foot down or does he always get his own way?

That’s great that you are happy with this. I personally wouldn’t be. I would be truly miserable if I only saw my family once a year and my children did not have a close relationship with them. If my DH had to sacrifice holidays to other destinations so I could see my family with my children, I would absolutely expect him to. For some people it might not be important which is fine.

I think once a year visit is enough.
My dd is married to a guy from abroad and they plan to visit once a year either at Christmas or Summer. She actually loves his country but its too expensive to go more often. They do keep a travel home allowance ready at all times in case of family emergency and the family abroad will never come here due to financial and health reasons.
My dB has lived abroad for over 30 years and came home every second year while his dc were young and holidayed elsewhere the alternate years. Family members made an effort to visit as much as possible and now his children are reared he comes more often often for short visits. He also budgeted for family emergencies which caused expensive flghts home .
Just go once a year. That is fine. Keep in tough meantime/ send videos etc
And use Google translate . I use it with my interactions with Ukrainian refugees and its like talking after a while.

DD's reaction to me saying that today is Mother's Day in our home country: "I have to text granny". She has a very close relationship to her grandparents, physical vistis aren't the only whay to foster it.

I know people who can't imaging moving away from family, fair enough. But that's not reality for lots of people and if you marry a person not from your home country/town you have to expect that dropping by for a cup of tea/Sunday roast is just not doable.

I have friends with family several hours away from where they live, they see them 1-2x a year. Maybe they chose a looser relationship, maybe it's circumstances. But it's life, it's something you expect to have when your life/partner/career means you are living in a different part of the world.

I also know people who couldn't cope and moved back, again, it's personal choice, but it should be a joint deciision, not one partner dictating it.

I agree these things need to be discussed prior to entering into a relationship and having children. Having said that, things can change when you have children, your parents get elderly etc
I think OP needs to let DP go to Hungary with their DD, but she doesn’t have to go herself.

As someone who has lived in the uk for 30 years I know my husband has to suffer Xmas every year in my home country. I don’t think you are unreasonable wanting a holiday rather than spending it all in Hungary (I presume it’s Hungary) with an alcoholic in law. They should get on a plane and visit you for a change, you can then do a family trip.

You want the OP to have years of consequences for a decision she played no part in when DH decided he didn’t want to live in Hungary? She is not responsible for DH not seeing his family . He is. And he doesn’t seem to be putting his family unit first. He’s placing the guilt he feels onto her.