To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

If you both work for the NHS would you be able to move to a different, cheaper, part of the UK?

And if you're struggling to afford holidays, please don't have any more children - you can't afford them.

In your place I'd let him go with DD and have a week on holiday on my own!

Ermmm….my response was a reflection of the suggestion somehow being ‘settled’ somehow is less important than the needs of the OP to have a holiday.

this is a two-way thing. Both have a legitimate claim on holiday time and money. They both need to compromise.

And? Settled doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to see his family regularly. He hasn’t somehow dropped all his emotions, and needs in relation to his home.

@MrsDexterr You're right, I’d missed that.

DP is a brilliant father but I don’t think I could be away from DD so long at this age, I would be on edge. I appreciate that’s my own problem. He says he’d feel sad going on his own as they would all miss DD.

She’d need to compromise sometimes on that, although I don’t always bring my children when I visit. I will say that it becomes much easier as children get older.

Although once they’re teenagers, they sometimes start fussing themselves! I took DS (16) to the UK this spring and he wasn’t the greatest travel companion tbh, he grumbled a lot. He’s better when DD comes too.

My parents and extended family all live abroad. Since my son was born, I travel alone most of the time to spend time with them and we take a separate family holiday with my husband. I wouldn’t expect my husband to take leave to hang out with my parents and relatives (it’s fun to catch up but pretty full on!) and the fact that it’s abroad doesn’t make it a holiday. I certainly wouldn’t expect him ever to travel to see my family twice in a year. You’re being more than reasonable suggesting you do something else in the years you travel there for Christmas. My husband doesn’t speak the language etc and I recognise it’s really isolating for him when we’re there, even though all my relatives speak good English, there is still a tendency to slip into foreign speak when we all get together. Your husband is clearly super proud of you and your child, and wants your family to spend time with you both. But there is some room for compromise here. My husband’s family are U.K. based but all around 4 hours drive away, so my husband tends to visit them with my son and I stay home. It suits us and it works well for both of us.

If your PIl can't meet you in Budapest or half way from the airport, can't your DH go in the summer on his own and you go with your DD and perhaps a friend somewhere where you would like to go.
I would not be overjoyed by spending every summer holiday in a remote village. It seems a little unfair.

Where on earth did you get that figure from? According to the Economic Research Institute the average yearly salary for a medical doctor is PLN 311 000 which comes to just under PLN 26 000 (c. £5200). Source:
https://www.erieri.com/salary/job/medical-doctor/poland
For comparison, the median price per square metre in the UK is GBP 8,306/m² https://www.properstar.co.uk/united-kingdom/house-price
Median house price for square metre in Poland is PLN 6,514 (c.£1300) https://www.properstar.co.uk/poland/house-price

That's more spending power than the same salary would give you in the UK. The standard of living in Poland has improved massively in Poland, it is not the poor third world country you're trying to make it out to be.

Some further light reading for you:
https://euroweeklynews.com/2025/04/21/the-polish-miracle-outpacing-japan-in-just-one-generation/

https://think.ing.com/snaps/poland-cee-peers-2024/

https://businessleader.co.uk/content/article/22/The-rise-of-an-underdog:-How-this-European-nation-is-quietly-dominating-the-global-stage

https://www.thetimes.com/business-money/companies/article/how-poland-became-one-of-europes-biggest-success-stories-q7kq9mrpz

OP apologies for hijacking your thread

So many posters ignoring that he wants to take his DD!

If this was a new mum posting she was living in DH’s country and wanted to go home with her child to her family twice a year, but her DH wanted a different holiday so she could only go once, no way would she receive the same responses. It would be LTB all the way. A man also had the need to see his family, his home country WITH his child. OP can stay at home, but she doesn’t want that.

The DH has chosen not to live in their home country. The DH wants to earn more living somewhere else. The DH has rejected the lifestyle of their home country before even meeting the OP. They can visit anytime they want. But it’s rather feudal to insist the OP has to spend all disposable income on holidays there. Perhaps they should have come to a more flexible arrangement beforehand but that’s hindsight. There’s monetary control being exerted here giving the OP no choice in the matter. That’s not ok. And nowhere is it being said the DH can’t go and visit. He isn’t compromising at all . He’s left Hungary. The OP is compromising in terms of holidays and financial expectation. But by all means resort to personal insult when someone doesn’t agree with you…

Living in a different country doesn’t mean you have rejected your home country and don’t want to go home and see your family. This can also change once you have a child. Going home twice a year is not a lot. What personal insults by the way?

OP didn't say the partner is not allowed to visit though? And yes I agree that the DD should be able to visit as well.

@MrsDexterr I agree about visiting, but it does sound as if the OP has to do most of the compromising and pay as well.

She definitely isn’t the reason that he lives in the UK, he’d lived there 10 years before they even met. I’m not sure why she has to pay towards his trips home tbh.

It would be different if he’d moved to the UK for her benefit.

there are many good ideas on the thread but in OPs situation, I can see how they are simply not feasible. The family won't leave their village and sees a trip to next town as a big thing, they won't go to Budapest, which is a very busy large place.
OP says FIL has a very low income, he won't be able to afford trip to Balaton.
If OP and partner are already on tight budget, they also won't have the funds to pay for the family.

But yeah, at the moment she is basically financing something only he wants to do.

I am reading this as them having join finances and the two trips to Hungary takes all the money. I completely agree that she doesn’t have to go, but I don’t agree that he should not be able to spend the money going home with his DD. It’s valuable for DD too feeling part of Hungary which is difficult to achieve going home once a year.

I would be really interested if everyone thinks this would be ok if it was a new mum wanting to go home with her baby too?

I had the same problem. Sitting in an Irish town in the rain does not count as a summer holiday. At least you got the sun.

I have read many times of mothers on here visiting family with one or more of their children and the father not going because of his "big job"

If he has passed his driving test he needs to get practising and building his confidence as it sounds like having a car would make the whole experience much easier and more enjoyable.

Is there any chance of suggesting that on the years you are going there for Christmas his family come visit you? Or you meet them on holiday somewhere else?

If not- could your budget extend to a cheaper holiday ? E.g. rather than an AI resort, drive to northern France/Belgium/Holland or similar and self cater. The last few summers it has hit 30-40 regularly and there's lots to do with kids.

But the point is OP does not want him to go with her DD.

Well that's where she needs to compromise. And he needs to compromise by cutting down the visits to what he, and not they, can afford.

One adult going to Hungary is going to be a lot cheaper than 2 adults, so if they can agree that she does not go, they could save up for a proper holiday.

I got that figure from the Poles, living in Darnley, Glasgow and Paisley (close to Glasgow). From the horse's mouth. As far as the official figures are concerned, I am surprised that if you are a grown-up, you trust the published figures. Open your eyes and speak to some Poles, Hungarians and those from the Baltic States.

I’ve not long returned from Budapest. £54 return from Gatwick, cheaper from Luton.
Soundx like your daughter is not in school yet. If so take advantage of that and go outside of the holidays.
Or get your husband to go at that time, and cut whole family trips to once a year. If he’s flying by himself it won’t matter so much it’s v early, v late etc.

OP, like another poster on this thread said, I am your partner. I settled in the UK and married a British person, with whom I have a child. I am not Hungarian but Polish - my husband does not speak Polish and my parents don't speak English. Both parties tried to learn each other's respective languages with close to no success. They get by on a relatively good level thanks to a combination of me interpreting (bloody exhausting) and real time Google translation (massively improved over the years. We also see my parents twice a year either by going to Poland together or paying for my parents to fly here (they could not afford this on their pension). The second option has now had to be suspended since my mom got diagnosed with cancer (despite being in the clear for now health wise, travel insurance can be complicated for cancer survivors).

A few reflections from me - please take them as they are intended, merely 'reflections' as I don't know your and your partner's full circumstances.

• I understand your partner's desire to visit with DC. Two weeks a year is not much, and with an ageing relatives time is precious and the guilt of leaving can be sould crushing regardless of the reasons why you left and how happy you are in your adopted country. I wonder how much he enjoys the visits and whether at a deep level he would not prefer to go on a relaxing holiday with you instead himself but the feelings of guilt or obligation are what make him go?
• Committing to a lifelong partnership/starting a family with a person from another country is complicated. There are conversations you must have together that you would not need to have if you married someone from another country. Have you not discussed your approaches to family obligations, holidays and financial aspects of both before you had a child? You'd be surprised how these can differ between your two countries (as I'm sure you're now realising).
• Your partner taking your child on his own on one of the two holidays would be the obvious solution, but you already said you'd not be comfortable with this. If you're not willing to let that one go, and your DP is not willing to compromise by combining family visit with Hungary holidaying elsewhere, then you need to try to make it better for yourself too:
• unless there's a medical reason why you can't drive, please learn. I did it at 36 when my son was 2 while juggling full time work and parental responsibilities for a disabled and neuro divergent child so I appreciate the difficulties around this. Having a licence and being able to hire a car could make your visits much better - take your DC for day trips while your DP spends time with his family
• you said DP's cousin is there at the same time as you. Given they also emigrated to a Western European country I assume they speak a language other than Hungarian? Assuming they're closer to your age, chances are they have at least basic conversational English? Can you try to become friends with them or they're partner if they have one to make the visits more pleasant for you?
• Paying for the Aunt and FIL to visit you could be cheaper and more comfortable for you than going there yourself. You say you think they'd not accept - but have you actually asked? You won't know for certain if you don't try and inviting them over would likely also win you some brownie points.
• Finally, a conversation around money is really important. You have an equal say in your finances ( and that goes both ways) and you need to agree how you pay for the holidays you both want if you both contribute equally. If you can't reach an agreement/compromise that would satisfy you both, then it would be reasonable for him to fund a greater proportion of the Hungarian trips expenses, and - for you - to contribute more towards the holiday you want. (this does not mean either of you should pay all of the costs of either trip if you all go on it)

Ah, how lovely. Only, you see, I'm Polish myself, taught at a Polish medical university and have friends and family working in both private and state hospitals and GPs in Poland. So thanks for that incredibly reliable and facts based refutal of my argument.