To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

This seems like a good compromise to me.

Sorry - the OP does not have to sacrifice their annual holiday every single year . The DH has chose to make a life in the Uk. Has chosen to marry someone From the UK. And choosing to spend any disposable income on always visiting family in that country lacks fairness also. It’s like the OP is sacrifice money/ holidays/ well being every single year - and sometimes twice a year .

I agree that the OP doesn’t need to go, but not that she should stop him from or resent him for going home with their child. Him and their child going home is more important than other holidays if money is tight.

I quite happily travelled just me and the children and DH never question how much money I spend on that and it’s a fair bit over the years.

@MrsDexterr Yes, if her partner accepts that the OP doesn’t need to come along for every visit, that would be a good start. The money they save on her travel costs will gradually add up and they can do something fun with it.

We spent years having our only holiday be visiting family. We did make sure to make it as pleasant as possible though. Once dd was old enough we started doing things like staying in hotels with really good pools and other onsite recreational facilities. We always made sure our transportation was comfortable as I get awful motion sickness so I am not willing to compromise there.

we don’t make the trips anymore. The main people we were visiting have passed away.

Why don’t you drive there instead of flying and stop off at different places along the way. Then when there only stay a couple of days before heading off somewhere else.

I couldn’t imagine being with someone for 5 years and not learning their language.

I couldn’t imagine being with someone for 5 years and not learning their language.

Learning a new language as an adult takes a LOT of time

Gosh I am so glad we discussed this before we married and that DH being close to his own family, understands my closeness to my family and need to go home. Most couple from different countries, will settle in one country and the person giving up their country makes huge compromises. You have no idea what you are talking about unless you are in this situation (or you are not close to your family, friends / home country).

I read this as her not wanting him to spend the money or not taking their child.

I don't think they are married and he settled here before meeting OP.

@MrsDexterr My take was that they have a joint “holiday pot” that they both put their extra money into. Her partner says that it can only be used for trips to Hungary though.

If the OP doesn’t want to go to Hungary every time, they won’t need as much and she could put some of her money aside for the beach holiday that she wants. It’ll take a while to save up for it, but perhaps she’ll have enough in three years, for example.

I am in this situation, we live in DHs country. So I understand it would be very unfair for me to demand that DH spends all his holidays visiting my relatives.

Doesn’t sound like a holiday to me. They can come and see you, he can go and see them on his own. Also with regards to his dad being an alcoholic, if he’s actually an alcoholic he wouldn’t be coming near my child. I didn’t give my own farther access to our kids when he was drinking and I’d definitely extend that to an in law in a foreign country where no one could drive us to a hospital if something went wrong.

But I assume you are free to visit your home country as much as you like if this is important to you. And take your children.

There are no winners here but I entirely understand your need for a proper holiday. We visited family in the Middle East for many years but it never, ever felt like a ‘proper’ holiday.
Discuss it with your partner, tell him about your isolation and perhaps try to gain a compromise by having some days out as your own little family. And, as someone else suggested, hire a car and cut out those horrendous journeys on public transport
Your parter etc needs to see his family, your daughter needs to know her roots, and you need a bit of space with your group of three.
By the way, his dad sounds a complete nightmare.

DP has the driving licence, so rent a 7 seater, drive to the village, rest, get the family members and drive to Balaton? But it’s also reasonable to suggest that, in the circumstances, you have a holiday elsewhere in summer when you go to Hungary for Christmas. Your arguments presented here to us are convincing, does your DH just doesn’t see reason and shuts you down?

So the fact he settled means he shouldn’t miss or want to spend time with his family? Hat his children shouldn’t know their paternal family, their father’s language and culture?

I am finding myself increasingly annoyed at those castigating the OP.

At one point, I participated in joint conversation classes for Serbian and I mentioned some of my childhood experiences. The teachers burst out laughing and said "Oh, every child in the Balkans goes through that trauma in their life!"

Other students from different central and eastern European countries shared similar experiences. (One of the students was a middle-aged man from Hungary.)

This was light-hearted - but there was an acknowledgement of how difficult it can be when you're restricted to one little village at the back of beyond. Living conditions have improved over the years, but life there can be very difficult for someone used to living in the west or in central/eastern European cities. I'm not just talking about living conditions, but attitudes - particularly towards women.

If this was expected to be your 'holiday' from your difficult job every year, I imagine that it would be really distressing.

Don't be ridiculous. The OP isn't suggesting cutting her partner and child off from the Hungarian side of the family and is happy for their child to learn the language: she's merely requesting that she be able to spend some of her money on relaxing for a few days.

Her suggestion that they spend part of the time in Budapest as a compromise is entirely reasonable. It's the partner who has knocked that back.

Staying with family all the time isn't a holiday.

The one time that my mum was really able to enjoy a holiday over in Dad's country was the time she was able to book them into hotels. They met family in the capital city and in one of the other cities, but were also able to travel into the village to see folk there.

DH and I did the same the last two times we visited. Staying in hotels meant that we had space to decompress.

He can go alone there once a year if affordable and have a family holidays with you and babe the rest of the time.

His visit should become less of it is a choice between holidays for everyone or just seeing his family. He can’t expect you to want to go there as your sole holidays if you don’t come from there too…it is family meeting, not holidays.

Good luck 🌺

DH's family is Irish and his dad now lives back there so we go for 2 weeks every summer. It IS NOT a holiday! It's more stressful than being at home. The endless visiting aunties, the expectation to do XYZ. They live in the middle of nowhere so everywhere is a car journey. Family drop in unexpectedly (even though they live hours away) and as the only woman I'm expected to jump to it and make sandwiches and host. We've exhausted all days out within an hour's drive.
Now DH takes the kids himself for a week at the end of the hols and if we can get cheap flights we go for a week at Easter or DH might go with his brother.
We now go away just the 4 of us at least once a year.

No one has said he shouldn't visit his family. That doesn't mean he's made some huge sacrifice for OP and that she should repay it by spending all her annual leave and money on his visits. He hasn't done OP a huge favour by being in the UK. He had already settled here.

I agree with you OP. Christmas with his family and that year you do a holiday if your choice and another year when you’re not with his family at Christmas you see them in the summer.
Otherwise all your affordable annual leave/holiday money is spent seeing them.
the language stuff is a red herring as even if you spoke the same first language the time issue would be the same.
we had the same with DHs family. Every Christmas and summer holiday was expected to be spent with them. (Often with the money being saved held over us as a form of control)
you are not being unreasonable. Definitely look to implementing the ‘rota’ you suggest.
also, what’s to stop them visiting?

OP doesn’t have to go, but what about her child. Surely he can go alone with their child and reading the OP posts she doesn’t want that unless I misunderstand her.

Having a child with someone from another country comes with quite a few compromises.

Sorry I’ve just seen your comments about the location of your in laws. I have family on my side in Hungary and due to money amongst other things they don’t tend to go anywhere. Not even flying to the UK for funerals. I also remember my DF sending money frequently from the UK.
realistically they aren’t going h to travel.
the additional pressure of school holiday prices makes this all challenging for you and your quality of life.
I would suggest the alternate Christmas and summer as you suggested earlier in the thread. In addition your DH can travel on his own at cheaper times to see his family.
fir whatever reason you are the only one having to make sacrifices here. You need to be firm now or it will only get trickier.