To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

I hope you take from this thread that you are not being unreasonable and it gives you the strength to put your foot down. One visit a year - fine. Another visit where he goes alone or with DC, ok. But sufficient funds left for you to have a holiday as a family/ you and child.

My kids spent many trips sitting in their grandmother’s front room, bored out of their skulls. My DH realised he couldn’t inflict that on them - or me - in the long term. And for those who say ‘Learn the language’, I did but when everyone has had a drink, there are ‘in jokes’, verbal word play, cultural references, regional accents, slurring … believe me, it’s really isolating.

He’s a grown man who chose to leave his homeland years ago - he’ll survive.

To many people this (me included) this would be the only break they get. I can't afford a holiday this year. Check your privilege. If it's really that bad, don't go.

I havnt been on holiday for two years other than to visit family and there is no way I would ever tell this person to ‘check their privilege’

they have come with an issue to and they are looking for advice.

you clearly have access to the internet which a lot of people don’t so please check your privilege

Yeah check your privilege OP. Apparently many people would love the opportunity to travel for hours to the middle of nowhere to watch a bunch of people getting drunk and talking in a language you don’t understand. Personally having British relatives that live in the middle of nowhere was bad enough, I would honestly rather stay at home.

It's not a holiday for OP though. That is the whole point.

They should come to you this year or you should all go somewhere less stressful together? Young babies are exhausting and time to reconnect as a family on holiday is important.

Foot down time OP. He can't take more than his share of the family resource to do what he wants. If he can't see and be ok with that then do you want a life with him?

I think going once a year is OK, so if you are going at Christmas, I would go somewhere else in summer and next year because you're not going for Christmas, go their in summer. Also could look at going to a tourist resort in the country for 4 days and going to families house for 2/3 days.

Visiting in-laws is not a holiday. I totally understand that you want a real holiday. However, I would not be impressed if my partner suggested that I reduced seeing my family to once a year. It wouldnt even be a discussion. Id love to go on locely holidays, but unfortuantely I love my family and therefore i want to use time and money to see them more than i want to go spain. I don't think you need to go with him. He can go by himself or with your child. You need to ait down a budget so that there is money for him to go visit family and you to have a holiday. Or find a cheap flight to a beach from Hungary.

How on earth is it a privilege for OP to spend her own savings travelling to a place where she doesn't enjoy herself at all, either once or twice a year.

I don't think anyone is suggesting he only see them once.
But OP shouldn't have to see them twice.

I would much rather a week at home off work than the dose the OP describes.

Certainly I wouldn't be prepared to be told by any man how I spend MY holidays from work, and my holiday money.

They aren't married so they actually aren't her family.
They are his family and he needs to head off himself to visit them.

He sounds controlling, domineering, and therefore abusive.
Telling the OP how she will spend her holidays and money is coercive control IMO.

That is a crime in this country.
Maybe he needs to have UK laws explained too him.
The OP must be vulnerable to be tolerating this.

She needs to reach out to Domestic abuse organisations to have this reinforced to her.

I am really surprised by these responses and now saying the DP is abusive? 😮I wonder if the responses would have been the same had a man posted trying to limit his wife’s visit to her parents…

I married a British man and have lived here now for over 20 years. I would have been distraught and it probably would not have worked for me if I could only see my family 2 times a year even. Part of the agreement between us when we settled in the U.K. was that I would be able to travel home as much as I wanted. Luckily we have been able to afford that and it has worked really well, but if finances were hard, my priority would be to spend money on visiting my family.

OP, for me you are massively YABU.

OP has said they go every Christmas, this is an extra trip in the summer.

Could you invite the ILs to you in the UK once a year too? That way you could have the holiday and they'd still get to see your partner and daughter?

Also what's the language?

OP Is all money shared in joint accounts? To be honest (and this sounds terrible) I’d be tempted to force his hand a little and say you’re no longer handing over all your disposable income for this. And if that means you only go once this year and it takes you a couple of years to save up for a proper holiday yourself then so be it. I’m with you on this OP. It’s not fair that all of your disposable income is lost on this and you seem to get no say in it. If he wants to go twice a year that’s fine but he shouldn’t get to dictate to you what you spend all of your money on. I’d say once a year is more than enough. Ultimately at the end of the day he is the one came to the UK and as you have said has no desire to live there full time again. A holiday in middle of nowhere where you can’t understand the language, there is nothing to do and everyone gets pissed and you can’t join in sounds absolutely awful and is not a holiday. Your DP can do what he likes with his annual leave and his portion of the disposable income. He doesn’t get to dictate to you how you use yours! Tell him you are only going once this year and will not be paying for two trips out of your portion of the money when you get nothing that you want out of these journeys (they are not holidays!)

Every second Christmas I think. If you live abroad you miss so much. You miss birthdays, mothers days, fathers days….Going home once a year if you are close to your family and want a relationship between your family and children, is not much considering this is a European country.

This

Part of the agreement between us when we settled in the U.K. was that I would be able to travel home as much as I wanted.

That’s fair enough, @MrsDexterr , but does your DH accompany you on every visit?

That’s the issue here, the OP doesn’t want to spend all of HER leave and extra money visiting his family- but he can still go.

Also If they save on her travel costs, perhaps they could do a separate holiday somewhere else in a couple of years.

As I said upthread, my DH doesn’t accompany me every time I visit the UK, it would use up all his leave and be too expensive. I’m fine going solo, it gives me more flexibility tbh.

I would be interested to know if posters who think seeing his family once a year is enough are close to their own family and would be ok not seeing them much too. Just because you live abroad doesn’t mean you don’t want to see your family.

I am genuinely so shocked by this thread, but think it’s because it’s a man we are talking about.

To the poster telling the OP to check her privilege - which part of a week in rural Hungary with people you can’t communicate with, is a privilege????

I think the year you go for Christmas, you get to have a summer holiday elsewhere.
The year you stay home for Christmas, you go to visit partners family in the summer.
I think the 5hr bus/train journey to partners home village is the killer after a flight. Can't partners parents not take a turn and come visit you?.

@MrsDexterr I don’t think that many posters have said that he shouldn’t go twice a year.

My DH last visited the UK in 2019 and 2024. Aside from lockdown, I’ve been many times alone or with children, just not with him. He’s done other things with his leave, and the children have benefited as he’s taken them away while I looked after the dog (so peaceful)! 😂

I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday.

No matter how hot it gets in his country, it sounds a far cry from a ‘proper’ holiday with a beach, pool and relaxation?

Don't be ridiculous. Noone is saying he shouldn't see his family whenever he wants. OP doesn't want to go with him more than once a year and why should she?