To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

I'm guessing Estonia. Estonian and Finnish are known to be particularly difficult to learn as a second language.

she has already said it's Hungary. But I can confirm it is a very hard language to learn, I've tried, while living there.

RTFT! The OP has confirmed it’s Hungary!

Do you have to have a license for more than a yea to hire a car?

@WildflowerConstellations, OP says a country in Central Europe. and has since confirmed it's Hungary.

If your both nhs I would look at jobs in cheaper area of the UK and make money go further too

i completely understand the importance of DP seeing his family and DD being in touch with Hungarian heritage. The rule in our house is speak English with mummy and Hungarian with daddy, and she is gently corrected when she gets mixed up and is doing brilliantly. I know the very basics and can be polite with his family but I haven’t gotten further than that yet.

Yes I do find the village boring and insular, I admit that. But I can get by and DP’s family are friendly and hospitable to me, the father can be hard work but he’s nice enough to my face. I do feel unwelcome by some of the neighbours in the village though, who stare at me and question DP on why he left the village for the UK. I can put up with the village for the sake of DP and DD seeing their family.

However, I object to our entire disposable income being set aside for 2x Hungary trips a year. It just isn’t a holiday for me. Yes I know first world problems but I work bloody hard as an NHS practitioner running around a hospital 40 hours a week (with unpaid admin to do at home too, and a 2 year old to look after), and I think it’s fair enough if some of my disposable income could be put towards a holiday where I can relax, even if that means we can only do Hungary once a year. In that case, DP’s disposable would pay for us all to go to Hungary, and my disposable would pay for us all to have a holiday I want.

But DP is stubborn and it’s Hungary or nothing. He says if we had more money he would want to visit other places, but not at the cost of cutting down the Hungary trips, and we’re just not financially there. I find the lack of compromise hurtful. If we spent a few days in Budapest and a few days in the village it would be much better, but he always says “I’ve seen Budapest loads of times, we don’t need to go” bla bla bla

Hungary is famous for its hot spring spas. I’d recommend finding one nearest to where you stay and going there for some days. You can make your stay pleasurable like that.

Or when your husband says Budapest is expensive, say flights are also expensive yet you’re going, and a few days there is wht at you need to make it work for you.

Lake Balaton was also suggested by me for a change of scenery whilst still being in Hungary but was shot down by DP because his family don’t drive and it’d be a trek for them to get to Balaton from the village (3 hour drive and they don’t drive)

Your partner is very selfish. What if you are stubborn like him? If your income is needed to pay for the second trip then you can also put your foot down.

The only excursion to really go to from the village is the nearest provincial city which is a 2hr bus ride, and it’s a major thing for them to even go there

Could you go to Hungary for a bit then get a flight from there to another place for a bit of a holiday? I did that a few times when I was with someone from another country. Saves on flights.

There have been many suggestions on this thread but it seems that OPs DP just says flat no to everything but sitting in his rural village.

Precisely.

The OP is willing to compromise; her husband is not.

I'm bewildered at the posters who have castigated the OP: IMO, she is being entirely reasonable.

I'm trying to think of a comparison so that people can understand. My mother's side of the family lived in a small hamlet outside a Fife coalmining town. My aunts' families used to come up from England to stay with their parents.

Can you imagine, however, if their husbands from London had been placed in a situation where they had to stay in that hamlet all the time? "No, we can't take a trip into Edinburgh: we're here to see my parents and family - and that's the only 'holiday' that you're going to have for the rest of your married life! What do you mean you're fed up? You can go for walks across the fields, can't you? Look - that hut at the bottom of the hill is a shop!"

Maybe he could read up about Fear, Obligation, Guilt - sounds like there's a lot of guilt.

Do you know any other mixed country couples? What do they do? In my experience it's very common for one partner to go alone or with a small child.

Perhaps invite DP’s cousin living in Western Europe over to visit you - or at least talk to them, because perhaps they too dislike these family obligations.

I'm from a small village abroad - he needs to leave his small village 'but I've been there before' attitude behind. Visiting my parents is not a holiday, and I would never subject a partner to it. His complete unwillingness to compromise is childish.

He should either go alone or with your daughter. It might even work out better for your daughter - a week's 'holiday' with dad, and a week's real holiday with mum.

I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP. Compromise is essential for fairness and contentment in a relationship.

I used to live abroad and I considered it an emotional essential that I returned to the U.K. annually to see my family and friends. I did not consider it a holiday as it involved a lot of work traipsing anout to see elderly relatives etc. However, it was more important than a holiday to me, and I LOVE my holidays.

My partner, from the same country, didn’t feel the same as me, and refused to travel home annually and I felt bad meeting up with his parents and explaining that he “was busy with work”. I saw it as his choice however, even though I encouraged him to come back with me.

it is uour choice where you travel. Ypu have limited time and resources and you have been very generous to date, but you no longer wish to continue to the same extent. Your DH ought not to ise emotional blackmail to make you do things you don’t want. You, as you know and demonstrate don’t have the right to make him feel bad for visiting his family.

So as I see it, it is important that your DH goes home at least once a year to visit. If he can save the extra money, he could take DD along. You could go occasionally when you choose to afford it. You probably don’ mindf he goes multiple times a year it does not take away from an annual family holiday.
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If you pull apart the travel budget, and explore possibilities, each person should go or refrain from Hungarian travel once a year as they desire, and there should be a family holiday to an agreed destination. Anything extra might be allocated to an extra Hungarian visit.

I also used to travel out of season because it halved the air fare. It might not be ideal but it is possible.

you are not unreasonable to want a relaxing foreign holiday of your choice once a year with your DD.

I think a week once a year to visit his family is reasonable. I can see why your partner would want it to be part of a tradition and why he doesn't want to give up the summer trip even when you visit at Christmas. Can you couch it as, it currently isn't a holiday for you so you need to agree a compromise so that it is. E.g. spending 4 days with his family and four at lake Balaton as a family of 3. There needs to be some give on his side. If there isn't I'd be saying that you won't go at all. As your daughter gets older you could also stay at home and he takes her on his own, then you can take her on a break another time.

The thing is you say DH would be ‘sad’ to go on his own, but you are also sad that you don’t get a proper holiday.

He needs to compromise. Whether that’s part of the time in Budapest or he does the summer trip on his own is the discussion to be had.

exactly.
He wants to go to Hungary twice per year, you don't - you go.
You suggest a compromise that let's at least go to Budapest - he says no. SO you don't go.
He could go by himself - he would be sad. So you go.

You suggest that parents could visit you instead, they say no.
You could go at a cheaper time - but you again accommodate and go when his cousin goes.

Etc etc. Not once have your wishes been accommodated.

Lack of compromise is definitely an issue - especially as OP is footing half the cost!

you mentioned about the car that he has passed his test last year. Is it that you can’t rent a car under 12 months after passing your test? When will he be able to rent a car?

Yes, @KarmaKameelion. Someone upthread suggested that the OP stop contributing to the Hungary trips savings pot. If she does this, presumably there won’t be enough saved for her airfare as well… that might be the way to go, tbh, he can save for his trips and their DD, she can set her contribution aside for something else (maybe a future holiday for the three of them)?
Surely that would be a win-win, he still sees his family and she can take them on a relaxing holiday in say three years?

It sounds like DH is refusing any sort of compromise and that OP has suggested many.

Considering that you are solely funding one of the annual trips, OP, I think you are within your right at this point to refuse to do that until a mutual agreement has been made. He's calling all the shots, and that is not fair to you or your child, as you are his family now too and he is not being even remotely flexible or honoring the fact that 1. you work hard and need to sit somewhere with a frozen drink and zone out or at least have that to look forward to once a year or even every other year 2. you would like to make memories with DC on a proper holiday

He seems to be dictating everything regarding this matter, but I don't think he can dictate how you spend that money if it's coming from your hard-earned salary.

You need to put your foot down OP. Tell him he can spend his money going to Hungary and you'll be spending yours going on holiday. He's all take and no give and that simply isn't fair.

You can stop going twice a year. If you go at Christmas, don't go in the summer and don't put any of your money towards the travel budget for going to Hungary.

Your DH can say it's Hungary or nothing but he can't make you go and he can't make you donate your money towards these trips that only he wants to do.

So he's stubborn is he?
His word is law?
Be glad you are not married.

I would be telling him to head off on his own.
Start rethinking this relationship.
Sounds like you may be vulnerable if you are tolerating this.

It's not normal or healthy for one person to insist on this.
He needs to go on his own.
You need to reach out for support if you do not feel you have agency in your own life.