Friend becoming overbearing

[DontReplyIWillLie]

And not just with me, which is the main issue…

I have a friend, Daisy, who I’ve known for a few years through a hobby. She’s a very nice, kind woman, but she does tend to go overboard on texts, that are largely about nothing. She’s an early riser too, so when my alarm goes off and I barely know where or even who I am, the first thing I see is “Good morning Don’t. Today looks like it will be a lovely day. The sun is already shining. I may take a walk in the park” or similar. Sometimes I don’t remember to reply when I’ve woken up properly, but I must admit that sometimes I just don’t bother, as there’s no question to answer or anything that really requires a reaction. I was hoping this might discourage her from the daily bulletin.

Anyway, she picked up on it and I got this long text saying “I have noticed that sometimes I text you and you do not reply. Please let me know if I have offended you somehow and should not be texting you anymore”. I bit the bullet and said that sometimes I just forget because I see the messages when I’m barely awake, and that sometimes I don’t think something needs a reply if there isn’t a question or something specific to say. She was a bit bewildered about the first part - she was saying “But surely you turn your phone off at night, so you don’t see any messages until you switch it on and can check them?” - but she seemed to have got that I’m not trying to upset her; I just don’t need a text for everything.

However, this communication overdose has now spread to my other friends; people she only knows through me. I ran into a friend, Carol, who I hadn’t seen in ages while on my way to meet Daisy and invited her to join us for a drink. They got on well and swapped numbers, because they share a common interest. Barely a fortnight later Daisy messaged me saying “Have you heard from Carol? Is she okay? I’ve messaged her three times this week and she hasn’t responded”. I was taken aback, and I did say maybe it was a bit much. (I’ve known Carol for years and I probably only hear from her every few weeks or so.) I asked Carol the next time I spoke to her and she awkwardly said that she’d found it a bit odd; she’d really only expected to share a couple of links and so on.

This wasn’t the only time. Another friend runs a bar; I took Daisy in for a drink and we chatted to him while it was quiet. The next time I saw him he said, “Bloody hell, that Daisy’s a bit much, isn’t she? She’s messaged three times asking when she can bring me some cakes! I don’t even know her!” I had no idea she’d even asked for his number.

Anyway, it’s my birthday coming up. I usually go away for it with another friend, as hers is a few days earlier, but we’re not doing that this year. The question is, do I invite Daisy on my birthday night out? I just have visions of her wanting to swap numbers with all my other friends and then chasing them wanting to know why they haven’t replied today, when can she bake them a cake etc.. I really don’t fancy having my friends all complaining to me that they’re being bombarded by someone they barely know.

Do I just not ask her? She doesn’t do social media (part of the reason she always wants to swap numbers - she can’t just add people on Facebook or whatever) so it’s not like she’d see pictures and find out. Or am I being mean?

She has tried to explain but someone who is messaging people she doesn’t know as described isn’t going to listen.

Op I have just gone through the same thing, I had to start backing off from the friendship, she would turn up on my doorstep everyday as soon as my children had gone off to school then I would have all her problems off loaded onto me and then she would head off home leaving me absolutely miserable, I introduced her to a few of my friends and now they don't talk to me because she started being really overbearing with them too so you are going to have to be very careful.

I would get non stop texts all day and night even late into the night and early morning it left me exhausted, I would not invite your friend to your party because she will end up doing the same with all your other friends and being overbearing with them too, no matter what other people are saying when someone is so constant and in your face all the time it really gets you down.

Totally fine not to invite Daisy, as you wouldn't normally celebrate your birthday with her anyway and this way you won't all be stepping on eggshells which is also unfair on her.
Has she eased up on the over-messaging since you communicated with her about it? It may be necessary to be more direct still (based on my experience of drawing boundaries with ND friends, who I love but sometimes struggle to communicate with - I've found my 'being rude' has often been really appreciated by them as 'being straightforward' and our relationships have improved so much afterwards). Your other friends, if they still want some kind of relationship with her, will need to sort this individually with her. I get that you're feeling mortified but you're not responsible for that.

Urgh, I see the "beeeeee kinnnnnnnd" huns are out in force.

You are under no obligation to this woman who appears to be lacking in boundaries and incredibly needy. It's not just you who's noticed this odd behaviour, it's your mutual friends who are also being bombarded by texts and being chastised when not replying right away.

Daisy clearly doesn't think she is doing anything wrong and is spectacularly unaware. Don't invite her. Or if you do, pre-warn your friends to give out fake numbers.

I find this rather cruel and insensitive to be honest. I also think that some people ( I’m one of them) who are not so keen on social media etc have been left behind with modern etiquette when it comes to communication. I am probably similar to Daisy. My messaging is perhaps more wistful than to the point. I ‘touch base’ with people rather than having something to say. I’m not lonely. I’m friendly. I care. I want to be there for people. I want community.

I think @DontReplyIWillLie that you should invite her if you like her company and actually want her there. If she exchanges numbers with more of your friends and starts texting you further down the line about why they haven’t responded to messages, you should just say you don’t know or similar. Tell her to ask them. Maybe she’ll hit it off with one of your friends who is like minded and enjoys a bit of daily chit chat. But it’s not your problem if she starts texting your other friends more than they would like. They are grown adults - as are you - and they should be able to handle these interactions.

I find people like Daisy hard to cope with sometimes. Contrary to people calling you a bully, OP, I feel like these needy people bully me into feeling like I should be replying to their messages all the time.

I have a friend who messages me a lot and a lot of the time they are random waffle that doesn’t need a reply. She never gets upset or chases me up over them though. I do reply but sometimes it is a day or 2 later if I have been busy. She doesn’t take any offence. If there is something that asks a question or is more important then I do reply quickly. It seems to work ok.

Same. Boring and annoying. Wouldn't dream of sending those kind of messages on a daily basis. It's definitely a her problem

I think you both just want different things from the friendship. You want to see her at the hobby and maybe meet for coffee occasionally. She wants something more akin to a teenage best friends thing or the intensity you would get from the first 6 months or so of a romantic relationship. It's not that either of you is wrong there's just a mismatch of needs.

I've found myself in this situation before and I can't say I have much advice on how to navigate it. But it sounds like Daisy is a good person so try to be kind to her but set some boundaries.

Wow they're certainly going to find life difficult to navigate if they carry on like that.
It's reminding me of my friends mum who seems to feel that every social occasion should be about them, even someone else's wedding or birthday dinner and is then hurt afterwards when they don't feel they received sufficient attention. Suspect their younger self probably behaved like your friends child too.

Sensitivity is a two-way street though. Does your desire for a sense of community trump that of people who actually want to talk about something, rather than just daily pleasantries about the weather? If you don’t get a reply to every message, do you chase to find out why - or chase others to find out why you’re not getting a reply?

People are being mean to you and you don't deserve it.

Yes, Daisy does sound overbearing. If I were you, I'd not invite her to the party so as not to have this issue all over again. Keep her as your separate friend. Perhaps next time you meet gently explain that people have busy lives and don't always feel the need to reply to texts that don't contain questions or that aren't urgent.

It's funny actually, I have a relative who sends similar messages to me at sunrise, and sometimes she'd send me as many as 20 messages in a day, DH joked that they were my stalker. It did feel too much, so I scaled back on replying as often. So now communication is at a level that I'm comfortable with.

Making friends as an adult is so fraught with subtleties and unknown rules. There are so many posts on mumsnet about loneliness and wanting more friends and community so clearly it isn't easy finding and taking friendship to a deeper level. You mentioned in your original post that Daisy is very nice and kind, try to remember that. Don't invite her to your birthday as I think you need some space but think about inviting her out for a birthday coffee. I would also be more blunt with her and say that you'd appreciate a few less texts. Some people are just more intense but I believe it will calm down after a while and she feels more confident in the friendships.

This.

Don't feel you have to invite her out of guilt, because that's not really wanting her there, especially if it will make you worry in the run up about how she will behave and also worry about how she will react if she's not invited.

You are allowed to have whoever you want at your birthday drinks. You don't have to invite every single person you know, however unconnected they are with the rest of your guests.

You can always invite her out for something else afterwards if you want.

But You are not responsible for Daisy's social life.

And I agree that giving Daisy a tactful heads up on how she's coming across with the numbers and texts would be doing her a favour. Hate to say it but maybe encourage her to do facebook, which would maybe reduce some of these problems.

I had a friend like this and eventually had to admit defeat after one of those “what have I done wrong “ long texts. I couldn’t give her the level of communication she wanted and it felt cloying and made me uncomfortable. She had done this before with other people. I did enjoy her company but replying to the messages became like a chore and I dreaded it. She was a person who wanted more intense friendships than I was capable of giving while balancing all my other commitments.

But that is pretty much exactly what the OP is trying to do with Daisy - fade her out kindly. Talking about Daisy has no impact on Daisy and is not harming her in any way.

Are you one of these annoying Daisy types who rejects social norms too, and is incredibly demanding with obsessive texting to people you don’t know?

Hi Daisy,

Trying to help you. First the advice to join FB instead of harassing people is a very good one.

Two, if you MUST send "good morning text" which I assure you will infuriate and bore most people to death, but if you MUST, send ONE. Just one. And see if the other person send you a "good morning" text themselves the following days.

Learn to take a hint and follow their pattern.

One "catch-up" a week is already more than enough, if not too much, for most of us...We are busy.

Or again, do join FB, it's literally design for people like you. Berating the OP is not going to help you.

I think if you like her, invite her. If she swaps numbers with people and is a bit much, that's not your responsibility - everyone is an adult. If she messages you asking if so and so is ok because they haven't answered her - again not your responsibility. I think really you need to be firmer in your own boundaries with her and let her navigate her other connections herself. Don't engage with her about others, or with others about her.

Are you Daisy by any chance?

But Daisy isn’t making a connection or inviting ‘proper interaction and engagement’. She’s just bombarding people with non-sequiturs. Her morning texts to the OP don’t even ask the OP anything about her day or actually prompt any real conversation. She wants conversation, but is expecting other people to do the hard work of keeping it going. Everything is about Daisy wanting to be entertained, kept company, validated, soothed by other people. She isn’t thinking about them or what they want at all.

There's nothing modern about not bothering people on a daily basis.

It's nice to get a message, but a couple of times a month is enough? It's not difficult to pick a pattern. Send one or 2 messages and leave a few weeks, and see how often the other person "touch base" by themselves. If they message you 3 times a day - not in response of your own, then of course you are having a conversation.

I have daily whatsapp messages with friends multiple times a day, but it's just fluid.

If you want a community, volunteering is a good one (not being sarcastic!)

I think when you have spent essentially the entire day on the long thread you started about clearly not really liking your supposed friend OP… perhaps it time to not really see this particular person as a friend anymore. For both your sakes.

She sounds like maybe she's ND/on the spectrum, I think most people know the social rules regarding how often to text, not to text if they don't text back, not texting someone who's not technically a friend without a good reason etc etc. She clearly doesn't know those rules, even though you've kind of explained them directly.
I think you could try explaining the rules again, kindly and gently but very directly. I know they're not official rules, but most people do understand the social boundaries.
I wonder if you brief your friends in advance and then invite her, so they understand she struggles with this. I feel not inviting her is a bit mean, but equally she clearly will annoy your friends by over stepping unofficial boundaries.

Has the Op confirmed how old they all are?