Friend becoming overbearing

[DontReplyIWillLie]

And not just with me, which is the main issue…

I have a friend, Daisy, who I’ve known for a few years through a hobby. She’s a very nice, kind woman, but she does tend to go overboard on texts, that are largely about nothing. She’s an early riser too, so when my alarm goes off and I barely know where or even who I am, the first thing I see is “Good morning Don’t. Today looks like it will be a lovely day. The sun is already shining. I may take a walk in the park” or similar. Sometimes I don’t remember to reply when I’ve woken up properly, but I must admit that sometimes I just don’t bother, as there’s no question to answer or anything that really requires a reaction. I was hoping this might discourage her from the daily bulletin.

Anyway, she picked up on it and I got this long text saying “I have noticed that sometimes I text you and you do not reply. Please let me know if I have offended you somehow and should not be texting you anymore”. I bit the bullet and said that sometimes I just forget because I see the messages when I’m barely awake, and that sometimes I don’t think something needs a reply if there isn’t a question or something specific to say. She was a bit bewildered about the first part - she was saying “But surely you turn your phone off at night, so you don’t see any messages until you switch it on and can check them?” - but she seemed to have got that I’m not trying to upset her; I just don’t need a text for everything.

However, this communication overdose has now spread to my other friends; people she only knows through me. I ran into a friend, Carol, who I hadn’t seen in ages while on my way to meet Daisy and invited her to join us for a drink. They got on well and swapped numbers, because they share a common interest. Barely a fortnight later Daisy messaged me saying “Have you heard from Carol? Is she okay? I’ve messaged her three times this week and she hasn’t responded”. I was taken aback, and I did say maybe it was a bit much. (I’ve known Carol for years and I probably only hear from her every few weeks or so.) I asked Carol the next time I spoke to her and she awkwardly said that she’d found it a bit odd; she’d really only expected to share a couple of links and so on.

This wasn’t the only time. Another friend runs a bar; I took Daisy in for a drink and we chatted to him while it was quiet. The next time I saw him he said, “Bloody hell, that Daisy’s a bit much, isn’t she? She’s messaged three times asking when she can bring me some cakes! I don’t even know her!” I had no idea she’d even asked for his number.

Anyway, it’s my birthday coming up. I usually go away for it with another friend, as hers is a few days earlier, but we’re not doing that this year. The question is, do I invite Daisy on my birthday night out? I just have visions of her wanting to swap numbers with all my other friends and then chasing them wanting to know why they haven’t replied today, when can she bake them a cake etc.. I really don’t fancy having my friends all complaining to me that they’re being bombarded by someone they barely know.

Do I just not ask her? She doesn’t do social media (part of the reason she always wants to swap numbers - she can’t just add people on Facebook or whatever) so it’s not like she’d see pictures and find out. Or am I being mean?

Your response sounded pretty defensive to me

Do you mean when I responded to people saying I was nasty, a bully, a gossip and probably only had transient friends because I was so horrible? As well as spouting outright lies?

Damn right I was defensive.

You've just being ghosted or something? Do YOU inundate people with unwanted messages?

You sound weirdly triggered here, the OP has nothing to do with what you are describing.

Same advice, join Facebook and join / create FB groups!

there is nothing unkind about your OP. Please don’t listen to those who are telling you that you are. Maybe they are bunny boilers like daisy.

I have a similar friend op, who I really like. Same situation as you, she texts constantly, gets very worried if you don't reply etc. In her case, she has a wide variety of issues that means she is not at all socially aware.
My best advice is that given hy another poster - have a direct conversation with her around texting, how often is ok, how to approach texting new people etc. Then decide your own boundaries and stick to them, only respond as much as you are comfortable with. People with poor social skills are unlikely to absorb social norms via osmosis, the kindest thing you can do is be direct. Otherwise they find themselves rejected again and again without ever knowing what they did wrong.

You still keep saying I have gossiped about her; have talked about her behind her back. When have I done that? Back up these accusations.

Now you just sound like extremely hard work op.

Good luck whatever you decide, and do treat others with a degree of respect if you can 💪🏻

Why does the OP need to get involved with all the other people. These are all autonomous adults, why does the OP need to gossip with the friends and get caught up in it.

If you need things explained to you...

The OP is not involved with other people

The OP is RIGHTLY concerned about introducing an over-bearing person to her friends. if you know a Martha, you don't introduce her to your friends.

You can’t just answer a simple question? Yet I’m the one who’s “hard work”?

what on earth is 'do not disturb'.

I have my phone for important things, like emergencies, phone appointment, solicitor updates etc... I don't have it to sit and entertain a bored person all day who doesn't even have anything worthwhile to say. Its for needed contact to switching it off etc... (like OP said her friend suggested, do emergency not happen at night?) is stupid.

Its an communication device, communication serves a purpose not just a 'I'll tell someone I had a cup of tea for no reason then get mad they did respond with 'lovely'' device.

OP why is she no on social media?

That is literally the perfect place for her to post that she thinks its a nice day or other mundane non respond-able randomness (although most people have grown out of that). I'm sure she could easily find group that love to update about their non eventful days though (like the types of people who post park run times and pictures of their dinner).

OP is only being defensive to the posters (and one poster in particular) who have told her that she is a bully with no real friends.

OP isn't being unkind to be annoyed that Daisy is now constantly texting OP's friends and when they don't reply, she then messages OP to ask if these friends are OK.

The only reason she is wondering whether she should invite Daisy to her birthday or not is because she will meet more of OP's friends and will probably exchange contact details and then keep texting them and asking OP why they aren't responding.

All of this 100%

You sound like hard work

Just ignore her. That is the sort of thing that happens on Facebook, people post the same thing every day about weather, going out for walk, etc, wishing good morning (sometimes with a photo or sentimental picture). There's also a lot of 'stay safe', 'keep warm' (when we had the cold spell), ' keep dry', 'take care'. As if anyone would do otherwise! They mean well, you don't have to engage. Some people are obsessed with trivia but it is preferable to xenophobia!

She sounds needy and lonely It’s really overstepping the mark to exchange numbers with your friends and then bombard them with texts too
i wouldn’t invite her. IF You’re sure she won’t find out from someone else.
Maybe it doesn’t matter if she does actually.

OP gets involved because her friends are complaining about Daisy's relentless texts to OP. Daisy is also complaining to OP when her friends don't respond. It must be really exhausting and annoying for OP to be put in the middle with the job of mediating between Daisy and her other friends.

That is why she is reluctant to invite Daisy to an evening out where she will meet more of OP's friends and will try and do the same thing to these people.

Op for the last time. Talking to Carol about Daisy is gossiping. Laughing along and talking about Daisy to the other friend after she offered cakes is unkind.
Leaving her out of your birthday celebrations because she happens to text you in the morning is unreasonable and yes unkind.

Some of us stand by our friends, whether they are annoying/ overly people pleasing or whatever, because warts and all they are still friends of ours.

You don’t like this woman. You are embarrassed of her, you demean her by talking about her rather than
to her. If you can’t understand this now - said so clearly - I can’t help you.

It sounds like a friendship of convenience that you can only tolerate on your own terms. You have zero respect for her, and haven’t mentioned a single quality or anything you like about her. So just slow fade gently or tell her clearly.

LOL at you defending Daisy's tin-eared and stalker-like behaviour while calling OP extremely hard work.

She sounds needy and lonely

and your preferred course of action is to basically blank her, not invite her to the birthday party and hope she won’t find out?

which learning to be unkind school did you go to…

I think you should sit her down and discuss the issue. Ask her why she doesn't use social media and explain how others use it. She shouldn't use it if she really doesn't want to but she needs to understand that for many people, communication methods have changed and the kind of things she texts are what people now post.

Yes, this is precisely it. I don’t dislike Daisy, or I wouldn’t be friends with her. But the fact is that I and two other people, with no prompting from me or one another, have both told me they find Daisy too much. She doesn’t seem to be learning, so I’m expecting that, if she comes out on my birthday, she’ll do the same to someone else.

Rightly or wrongly, my friends will associate her behaviour with me. I don’t want a situation where it becomes an issue in my friendships.

Sometimes I don’t remember to reply when I’ve woken up properly, but I must admit that sometimes I just don’t bother, as there’s no question to answer or anything that really requires a reaction.

People who regularly send texts like this absolutely do my head in.

Daisy sounds like one of those curses in horror movies that you have to pass on to a number of people otherwise they kill you.

Have you thought that possibly she's lonely because she's like this with any friends she's ever had, and her needy demanding behaviour has driven them away?

So Daisy is gossiping?

Daisy contacts OP to get updates on OPs other friends and thus has forced OP to get involved. OP didn't even know Daisy had got these peoples numbers until Daisy started dragging her into it.

No one wants to talk about (or too) Daisy at all, she is the one causing it.

Op for the last time. Talking to Carol about Daisy is gossiping. Laughing along and talking about Daisy to the other friend after she offered cakes is unkind.

It’s not for the last time though, is it? This is actually the first time you’ve actually answered the questions I’ve put to you.

I didn’t talk to Carol to gossip. I wanted to check I was right in thinking she was feeling a bit bombarded - and I was. I haven’t mentioned it to her since. As for “laughing along” with my other friend, you’ve just made that up. I only know she was offering to make him cakes because he told me. You can hardly blame me for someone else raising the topic with me.