Sister angry I “yanked” my nephew’s arm and told him off

[Mmemm]

So I live with my parents (saving up for flat in London). My sister often visits with her child and husband.

We have a gorgeous 12 yo Golden Retriever who is enjoying his golden years sunbathing on the sofa. Anyway, I was in the living room on my phone when I saw my little toddler nephew go up to my dog on the sofa and hit him on the head with a coaster. Obviously it’s not heavy but I reacted as I am protective of my elderly dog, poor boy was dozing. I ran up to my nephew and held him by arm and said “we do not throw things at ‘Lucky’, how would you like it if I hit you in the face? That was very mean of you”. I took the coaster away from him and said if he can’t use it nicely then he can’t have it. Not a big deal. Pretty normal way to deal with it in my view. I may have been a little cross.

But sister is now demanding an apology. BIL was sat sort of to the side reading a magazine and snitched. Didn’t say anything at the time. Errr how how about you parent your child mate.

But apparently I was very overboard. I don’t think I was. I refuse to apologise on principal. Dog took it in his stride but you can’t be allowing shit
like that to happen.

In my mind sister can do one but parents have literally begged me as apparently she won’t visit whilst I am home 😂

You're assuming I'm making assumptions! I based my interpretation on the OP''s self description ("cross"). We disagree then, may be common phrasing, but it is threatening. I've given some examples of making the same point in a non-threatening way to illustrate the differences.

This all the way!

What’s this “gentle hands” nonsense that people are using? A child does something that could potentially get them harmed. They need a quick shock to get it in their head that they shouldn’t do that again. A bit like if they suddenly touched a hot radiator, they’d get a shock and remove their hand. Lesson learnt.

The dog was minding its own business and the child’s father couldn’t be bothered to parent his child, so OP had to step in. If she did it in a way that the parents didn’t like, then maybe they shouldn’t put her in that position again?

I think you overreacted a little due to the age of the child. If 3.5 I would have agreed with you but a 2 year old wouldn’t have that understanding.

The parent should have done something though and I understand your reaction to protect your dog, I would have probably done the same!

The worst that happened was the child was told off.

The worst that could have happened if he wasn't was that the dog could hurt him.

If BIL didn't like OPs parenting he should have been parenting himself.

I'd probably apologise that my language didn't meet their parenting style but I'd struggle to hold my tongue and not add that the intervention was more important to protect nephew than the words and that she should be angry at BIL for failing to keep his son safe.

I can't help but think you wouldn't have spoken to your nephew in that way if he was a "gorgeous 12 yo golden retriever enjoying his golden years" 🤮

So what if she is young? She shouldn’t have been put in a position to look after her nephew unless asked?

Personally OP I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong - it’s how I would speak to my nieces and nephews if they hit their siblings or dog although they didn’t have one etc. they’re grown up now but I didn’t think twice about disciplining them when younger and we have a lovely relationship now. The difference is my sister was present a lot during those times and was completely on board with how I was with them. If I had thought she wasn’t or she had actually voiced that she was upset of course we would have spoken about it and i would apologise for upsetting her. The obsession with the exact age of nephew is strange as we all know kids can be developmentally very different . Some 2 year olds can process and understand that info and there may be some 3 year olds that can’t .

I get it, she wasn’t there and you feel like you’re being painted as the villain. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle between BIL and your accounts. They may have a differing style of discipline to you or perhaps nephew was particularly upset ? You’ve not mentioned how nephew took this - I think it would be reasonable for you to apologise for upsetting nephew if he was upset - explain it was a knee jerk reaction, if they don’t want you disciplining their child that’s fine but they need to take responsibility for their child and your dogs safety if they’re going to be in the same room. I think also try and see it as they’re being just as protective over their kid as you are over your dog. Although you insist you didn’t yank his arm (I believe you!) that’s how it’s been interpreted so imagine how you would feel if you had thought someone had yanked Lucky’s paw. Even if you think you’re in the right, someone has to be the bigger person here.

Everyone wants a village to help raise their kids but only as it suits them. Perhaps I’m coming at it from a different angle because I have a west African ethnicity where it is completely normal for randomers you’d never met to discipline you in the streets of you were stepping out of line and your parents would encourage it 🤣

It isn't threatening. In no world does "how would you like it if someone did that to you?" mean "I am going to do that to you."

I understand you being upset about your dog getting hurt but 2/3 is very young. Children don't have much impulse control at that age.You were right to correct your nephew but what you said was excessive. He wouldn't have the comprehension to understand that many words together. Youre better to block and redirect rather than hold. I agree other parents should have dealt with this in the first place.

How much trauma do you think a dog bite would have caused him ?

Sounds like your BiL thinks childcare is womens work if he sat on his bum and did nothing. If there was an issue with how you behaved he could have intervened or spoke with you but I'll hazard a guess he didn't because he knew he should have been keeping a closer eye and he knew the child was wrong to do what they did.
Kids need taught how to be around dogs.
And to those who are being so mean to OP about how she acted, please note that having a vagina does not make you automatically an expert about how to handle children. And nor should she have had to when the child's literal parent was right there.

Your reaction was inappropriate for a 2 year old. Yes, you should have stopped them/ told them no but the rest was over the top.

It was a bit of an overreaction if that’s the first time he did it. Take the object away and calmly but firmly say “no, we don’t hit animals, that’s not kind”. But I also wouldn’t be mad at you for stopping my child from hurting an animal if my husband had been lazily sitting there not parenting. You never know when a dog could snap when threatened/annoyed.

Respond with “I’m sorry that your husband failed to supervise DC and teach him that hitting animals is not kind”.

In short, I don’t think you owe any kind of apology for doing what the parents should have been doing, but in future you could do it a little calmer and more age appropriately.

You overreacted. It sounds like the dog was less bothered than you were. In my experience well-trained dogs are very patient when it comes to babies and toddlers. You could be a bit more patient yourself. He’s a tiny child who is still learning.

the child will have learnt nothing. You were violent and aggressive. What you should have done was remove the coaster and said no. You didn’t need to touch the child and your language wasn’t appropriate.

In a 2 year olds world it 100% could

⬆️ this is a very good point. Your parents are helping you out and you’ve put them in an awkward position. Just apologise. How do they feel about your reaction? Considering it’s their dog and their grandchild?

I agree your BIL should have stepped in but that’s not the point. I wouldn’t be happy if you spoke to my 2.5 year old like that. It sounds like you were hungover and grumpy and now you’re being very defensive.

Jesus.

You stepping in to stop the child doing it a second time - OK
Your choice of words to the toddler - not OK

It's very obvious you don't have children or know how to speak to them appropriately. Get down to their level, get their attention and shorter sentences in a non-angry tone: "We mustn't hurt 'Lucky'. Be nice to animals' while giving the dog a gentle stroke as an example. Probably shouting the child's name or going "Ah, ah, ah" loudly would have got his attention faster than jumping up and grabbing his arm.

I don't see the point in your DSis 'demanding' an apology. They mean nothing if not freely given. Maybe you should agree that you'll behave more appropriately to their toddler if they in turn agree to parent him properly when he does something 'naughty'.

I think you did the right thing. Kids have to learn. I hate it when I see kids being spiteful to dogs or cats and the parents just look on its not right.

Then again, people concerned that adults may not know how to talk to their 2 year olds in ways 2 year olds understand, should make sure they intervene before said adults do when their 2 year olds hit dogs.

You were correct. Dogs can snap, my dog would have bitten him for that. His father is a lazy parent to have sat there and not done/said anything. If they're not happy, tell them to intervene before you do. Your dog knows you helped him, and it was the right thing to do because he would have continued doing it until something happened.

Bit over the top and best thing to do would be to explain exactly what you did to your sister and listen to her point of view and apologise for not being a bit calmer with your words. Sort it out - at least for your mums sake if nothing else given you're under her roof.

But going from your replies, I'm guessing you wanted everyone to say "yes that was fine"

You got it wring but not THAT wrong. Only thing you should have done differently was saying "It hurts dog when you hit him" rather than "How would you like it..." That could have been misconstrued as a threat but I think it's just a way you learn of speaking to children, there's no reason you should know that. You were just trying to get him to k understand empathy. You hardly said "Do that again and I'll smack you in the face."
Sister is being g ore uous for sure, she could have had a quiet word and explained she felt it sounded like a threat.
That being said I think it's an easy apology.
"Sorry I upset nephew with the dog incident. Of course I would never hit him! I was just trying to let him understand that it's not nice to hit and I phrased it badly- I'm not great at toddler language! I was also scared he could hurt dog or that dog could react to the pain and snap at him. "

You reacted to the potential danger and to protect the dog. The child’s father carelessly read a magazine then foolishly argued that his inertia was better than your heavy-handed emotional response. Stupidly your sister has gone along with him. If your parents can’t see what could have happened, can’t discuss with each of you the situation, can’t find a way forward, then if I were you I’d disappear with the dog every time your sister visits.