Sister angry I “yanked” my nephew’s arm and told him off

[Mmemm]

So I live with my parents (saving up for flat in London). My sister often visits with her child and husband.

We have a gorgeous 12 yo Golden Retriever who is enjoying his golden years sunbathing on the sofa. Anyway, I was in the living room on my phone when I saw my little toddler nephew go up to my dog on the sofa and hit him on the head with a coaster. Obviously it’s not heavy but I reacted as I am protective of my elderly dog, poor boy was dozing. I ran up to my nephew and held him by arm and said “we do not throw things at ‘Lucky’, how would you like it if I hit you in the face? That was very mean of you”. I took the coaster away from him and said if he can’t use it nicely then he can’t have it. Not a big deal. Pretty normal way to deal with it in my view. I may have been a little cross.

But sister is now demanding an apology. BIL was sat sort of to the side reading a magazine and snitched. Didn’t say anything at the time. Errr how how about you parent your child mate.

But apparently I was very overboard. I don’t think I was. I refuse to apologise on principal. Dog took it in his stride but you can’t be allowing shit
like that to happen.

In my mind sister can do one but parents have literally begged me as apparently she won’t visit whilst I am home 😂

You clearly don’t think you’re in any way wrong and it’s not that surprising because you don’t have your own kids that you don’t realise how inappropriate the way you spoke to him was. Whether the BiL should have been supervising is another matter - just because you had to deal with the situation doesn’t mean you had to deal with it the way you did.

It doesn’t sound like you’re open to considering any opinion other than you being correct but honestly, the way you spoke to a two year old was horrible. Two is tiny, they need gentle guidance and correction not aggression. Of course kids can’t hit dogs but he’s two, not eight!

If I were your sister I would be gutted to know my family member behaved like you did towards my toddler and would keep them away from you. I would also give my husband a clear talking to that he or I need to be actively supervising at all times. He was probably relaxed knowing you were around but if you’ve achieved one thing through this, it’s ensuring they won’t entrust you in that way again.

YANBU although you may have been a little heavy-handed. Taking the coaster and a stern no would have been enough, and say to sister that she and BIL need to supervise child around the dog. You shouldn’t have said “what if I hit you” though.

But now it’s done, you could perhaps offer a qualified apology.

“Hi Sis, I’m sorry if you felt I was too harsh with nephew. I shouldn’t have reacted quite so harshly I admit. However he hit the dog with a coaster and I reacted because a) I didn’t want the dog to get hurt and b) I didn’t want nephew to get hurt if dog reacted. To be honest I’m quite annoyed BIL wasn’t watching nephew and did nothing to help. Would you like to come over and have a chat about it? Hope to see you soon”

I think you handled this well. I have a nephew who is a similar age (3yo in August) and I have to watch him around my cat. Don't worry about the language you used, sometimes children need to be told what they're doing is wrong. If your BIL had an issue, why didn't he tell you at the time? Also, why doesn't he take some responsibility and parent his child instead of leaving it to someone else.

You were over the top and rough. I wouldn't be happy.

Were you brought up that way?

Saying how you would like it if I hit your face to a 2 year old is not nice and sound chavy. Or perhaps you have anger issues. Or both.

It doesn't sound like either of them are the disciplining type, though...

Nope, everyone in the house has to take some responsibility. Having a dog around a small child creates a hazard. If the dog had bitten the child, OP would have been legally "on the hook" as the owner of the "hazard". Doesn't matter that the parents were inadequately supervising.

Yeah BIL is a snake too.

Literally no one on this entire thread thinks it’s fine to hit a dog in the face with a coaster 🤦‍♀️ nobody thinks they should have let the toddler carry on hitting the dog. Step in, yes. Stop them, yes. Tell them “no, we don’t hit Lucky”, yes.
Being unnecessarily aggressive and saying things like “how would you like it if I hit you” to a 2yo…. No.

Do you have kids?

I would give the apology after the nephew apologised to the dog! 😃

But they don't have the language to understand that. They hear "I hit you face ", see your anger, feel your anger in their arm. Feel scared of you.

She said upthread she does not, and does not want children

I take it you don’t like kids then. Talking about how they won’t like it if you hit them in the face. He’s 2 !! Or even 3

This is a complete over reaction.

she said exactly how we were all parented and reacted with what she knows. She is not some monster!!

you make it sound like he will never get over it. He will. We all did. The other 2 billion people on the planet who have heard that have.

This is my main problem with the emotional word soup brand of gentle parenting. Kids are going to be around all sorts of other people that can't be expected to know that you want your kids managed like that. Fine, do it yourself, but you can't assume others will do it.

This is MN OP. The ‘it takes a village’ mentality prevails. If the actual parent was aware and left you to deal with the situation because they couldn’t be arsed, then they can’t criticise how you dealt with it. The alternative to you intervening was possibly your nephew being bitten and the loss of your dog as a consequence. Which is unthinkable. I’d make it my business to be out with the dog when they visit. At least for a while, until things cool off. But you don’t owe them an apology you weren’t just protecting your dog, you were protecting their child too. Something which clearly didn’t occur to the parent in the room, who chose to ignore what was happening and then criticised you !!

You weren’t wrong in what you did! But we’re wrong in your tone. 3 year olds need constant reassurance and they push boundaries. Maybe apologise for your tone.

None of us can judge fairly because we weren't there. Tone is everything and BIL should have the balls to call you out there and then over behaviour if he felt you were out of line.

It's also unfair to expect BIL to prevent this too, so what he was reading a magazine, are parents not allowed to read whilst their 2 year old is awake. Even if he wasn't reading, it takes 2 seconds for a child to raise his arm and clock the dog - unless you literally walk around a house holding their hand (which is ridiculous).

I think your tone on here is very aggressive, which, reading between the lines does make me think you could have overreacted. Especially as you were hungover, which can make the best of us snappy.

Yes your back was up about the dog, but maybe you could have moved the dog into another room if you knew he didn't like being around young children or wouldn't react well to a sudden whack or pull whilst sleeping.

You lost me at ‘how would you like it if I hit you in the face’
Regardless of the fact you don’t want children, were hungover and his Dad should have stepped in, you do not say that to any child big or small, especially one at the age of your nephew.
We had an elderly dog around 2 children under 3, they learnt to be gentle by us modelling how to behave with her, sometimes they would try and shove her if she was in the way and I distinctly remember one jabbing her with a plastic sword.
I remember swiftly removing the sword from his hand and telling him he mustn’t poke/hit Millie as it would hurt her and then she’d be really sad.
I got him to say sorry, give her a dog treat and reminded him again to have kind hands with animals and people.
I didn’t yell, threaten or grab/hold any part of his body, I removed the item he was poking her with.
If your nephew does go to nursery and uses the phrase you used if he was old enough to understand and parrot it back, eye brows would definitely be raised and notes made.
You are not unreasonable to be protective of your dog, you are unreasonable for doing it in the way that you did.
It’s interesting that you asked on here because you have pretty much disagreed with everyone that has pointed out to you that you used language that was in appropriate.
If you had held his arm tightly enough to leave a mark you would have been in more deep water. If I was your sister I would be seriously concerned about your judgement.

Expressing anger at a child is rarely effective as a teaching method. It looks more satisfactory to an adult with our empathy for a harsh treatment but kindness and firmness works better than "discipline" if you want behavioural changes

But it's not a "horrible situation". The dog was fine. You are making this a much bigger deal than it was, grow up!

If you really have an issue with the situation then shout at your BIL. And stay away from the kid.

Fucking hell is that really something you want to say out loud?

I have seen a dog bite when he was woke from his sleep
You did the right thing. Maybe a litte heavy.

You did nothing wrong.

The dog could have snapped back and your nephew needs to learn how to handle animals and how to be safe around them.

Tell your sister to get lost...

Just another sign of entitled parents.

You don't need to do gentle parenting to get this across in a better way .

A very stern look, a sharp no and taking the coaster away immediately would have worked better. Then op or the mum should have said we don't hit <insert name> he get sad and scared. Also never ever approach a sleeping dog, it's not fair as they feel safe.

"How would you like it if I hit you in the face?" yep that sounds chavy and aggressive. DO you usually lack in social skills and empathy?