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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to Daughter carrying someone else’s bag at DofE

249 replies

DrSeuss84 · 09/05/2025 20:35

My 14 year old Daughter is about to do bronze Duke of Edinburgh in a weeks time. This is the first time she has done anything like this. She is quite slim and petite for her age.

I read that they should only carry a certain amount of their body weight so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear.

At the practice run a lot of girls had much heavier bags. Some were packing skin care and makeup and other non necessities.

she doesn’t know the girls in her group but they all know each other and are an established friendship group.

Tomight she got a message from them saying they had all decided and agreed that they are going to bring a bag weighing device and weigh each bag and whoever has the lightest bag will have to swap bags with someone else on the second day to make it fair.

it was quite a direct message in the tone of “everyone has already agreed and it would be unfair if you say no”

My initial instinct was ‘no way’ Everyone packs what they want but we didn’t worked hard to get your bag light only for you to lug someone else’s bag around for 11 miles!

DD she is worried this will have her outcast from the group and turn them against her making the whole two days uncomfortable and isolating for her.

I don’t know how to tackle this at all. What would you do?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 10/05/2025 07:00

Hoohaz · 10/05/2025 03:51

I would contact the organisers and express your concern. The organisers should reiterate to the group that only essentials should be taken and that makeup and skin care can stay at home for a couple of days.

I would also tell daughter to pack a couple of heavy rocks just before the bags are weighed so that noone wants to swap with her (then discard after weigh-in.)

I would add that you would not want any allegations made of cheating by someone who is disgruntled, presumably to the Duke of Edinburgh examiners (or whatever the people who run the scheme overall are called).

Good to read that someone on MN does not consider make up as essential for this kind of activity.

sashh · 10/05/2025 07:01

A 2 litre bottle of water weighs 2 Kg and can be emptied out fairly easily.

It's a long time since I did mine but no one swapped bags, except the big box of cornflakes in a carrier bag - that was passed between us. Including me, and I don't eat cereal.

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/05/2025 07:04

AmyDudley · 09/05/2025 20:41

Cheeky buggers! Absolutely your DD should not be lugging someone else's junk around becaue they can't be bothered to pack light. Personally I'd be inclined to get in touch with whoever is leading the task and tell them what is going on. Maybe they could send out a message to all the kids saying 'remember only bring essentials, because there will be no swapping of bags once you arrive' or words to that effect.

I agree with this. Send them a screenshot of the WhatsApp messages

WorldMap24 · 10/05/2025 07:07

Ds has done bronze and silver. It is treated as a group challenge and the load is shared. Where DS does his, the organisers weigh the bags before the expedition to ensure no one is taking more than they should (weight limit) and if anyone's bag was particularly light / had room they may swap things around. There has to be an element of sharing as there is shared kit with the tent / cooking apparatus etc. To be fair, for the weight of the bags I don't think the make up will make that much of a difference.

BoldBlueZebra · 10/05/2025 07:09

When we did ours (a million years ago) we met up prior and reviewed the loads. We split loads into personal effects - what you brought you carried, and team effects which were weighed split into smaller roughly equal loads and equally distributed amongst the team so everyone has equal amounts of team equipment but if one person wanted to bring their spare hair dryer that was on them

Sharptonguedwoman · 10/05/2025 07:11

Anywherebuthere · 09/05/2025 20:40

Utterly cheeky!

Tell her to stand her ground and refuse. Being a people pleaser won't get her anywhere.

It's up to them to make sure they can manage the weight of their own bags

Get in touch with the DofE coordinator and explain . This has to be tackled somehow anonymously though. What the girls are suggesting is bullying behaviour.
perhaps the coordinator can give a weight limit for bags?

Mysticcatmum · 10/05/2025 07:15

I would personally be nestling a big bottle of water in her bag ahead of the weighing. Then when DD's isn't the lightest bag, tell her to take the water out. Then she's not outed from the group but still gets away with her own stuff

ErrolTheDragon · 10/05/2025 07:21

Gundogday · 10/05/2025 06:52

Haven’t read whole thread, but you set up rucksacks for individual bodies, so it’s not as easy as swooping bags.

Yes, a petite girl needs one with a shorter back length. One that’s too long wont sit properly on her hips.

The shared gear should be fairly divvied up beforehand. Maybe agree in advance to swap some items like the stove, that sort of thing. That’s proper teamwork.

fortuneofthefearless · 10/05/2025 07:22

You are 100% correct to be annoyed by this. I can completely see it from her side in that she doesn't want to isolate herself, but I'd be trying to point out that this is one weekend, she doesn't have to see them again (if that's the case). This is going to be one of her first learning curves when it comes to having to deal with other people acting like numpties! 😂 Hope she gets on well! ❤️

bigvig · 10/05/2025 07:24

Speak to the organiser. They probably have a rule against carrying someone else's bag - or they can say they have! They can deal with it discretly saying they have overheard etc.

Hdjdb42 · 10/05/2025 07:29

I'd encourage her to say, "no thanks, I'm packing light for a reason. I did consider it but my mum seemed mad, because she spent a lot of money getting the lightest stuff. She doesnt want me to swap bags. Go through your bag and take out anything unnecessary like makeup and stuff, make it as light as you can" I'd message the leader to make them aware, in case they bully her about it.

Bumpinthenight · 10/05/2025 07:29

Absolutely only share the group kit.

Good luck to your DD. Hope she enjoys the weekend.

suburburban · 10/05/2025 07:31

What a cheek. They can ditch stuff if their bags are too heavy

Anewdawnanewname · 10/05/2025 07:34

So the kids are bringing a bag weighing device, to add to the things they’re carrying when they’ve been told to pack light?
i do think the leaders need told what is going on. I’d want to know if I was organising it. They all need to learn that you carry what you’ve brought, it’s not someone else’s problem to solve. They’ll be used to parents picking up after them and now are expecting the same. Overpacking has a consequence that isn’t for someone who has packed lightly to bear.

pandp · 10/05/2025 07:35

Contact the adult(s) responsible for the trip and see if this is a directive from them or something the girls have decided themselves. If, as I suspect, the girls who have orchestrated this the adults should be made aware, in my opinion this would be bullying.

Thomasina79 · 10/05/2025 07:37

My DH actually runs DofE silver and bronze and says the rules are that the kids can’t carry more than 1/4 of their body weight. The rules also state that this is a collective exercise and everyone should be involved in decisions, so it is wrong that your DD is being left out. I am quoting him in this. He read your post and was quite cross. On one expedition a girl became ill as a result of carrying a heavy bag. He recommends talking to the leaders running the group

Porkychops · 10/05/2025 07:38

Get hr to put a tin of food or something in there that she will eat the fist day, then her bag will be light again.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/05/2025 07:44

DrSeuss84 · 09/05/2025 20:35

My 14 year old Daughter is about to do bronze Duke of Edinburgh in a weeks time. This is the first time she has done anything like this. She is quite slim and petite for her age.

I read that they should only carry a certain amount of their body weight so have been super selective and spent a lot of money buying lightweight items and researching the lightest possible gear.

At the practice run a lot of girls had much heavier bags. Some were packing skin care and makeup and other non necessities.

she doesn’t know the girls in her group but they all know each other and are an established friendship group.

Tomight she got a message from them saying they had all decided and agreed that they are going to bring a bag weighing device and weigh each bag and whoever has the lightest bag will have to swap bags with someone else on the second day to make it fair.

it was quite a direct message in the tone of “everyone has already agreed and it would be unfair if you say no”

My initial instinct was ‘no way’ Everyone packs what they want but we didn’t worked hard to get your bag light only for you to lug someone else’s bag around for 11 miles!

DD she is worried this will have her outcast from the group and turn them against her making the whole two days uncomfortable and isolating for her.

I don’t know how to tackle this at all. What would you do?

your DD needs to figure this out. She could however put 1 or 2 bottles of water in her bag and simply empty them at the next stop…

but it is up to her. You will not be able to help her on day 2. So she will need to learn what she will or won’t put up with.

Walkerzoo · 10/05/2025 07:56

Could she message the girl and say that as you are all bigger you can carry more...

Rocks also a good idea

GRex · 10/05/2025 07:58

I feel quite strongly that teaching a teenager to be deceptive (hiding water) instead of standing up for her rights (carryring a light bag because she packed a light bag) is very poor parenting. Surely the aim should be to raise a functional adult?

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/05/2025 08:00

Ha. No.

But the easiest thing is to say - so sorry I tore a muscle in my shoulder playing hockey so I can’t.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/05/2025 08:03

GRex · 10/05/2025 07:58

I feel quite strongly that teaching a teenager to be deceptive (hiding water) instead of standing up for her rights (carryring a light bag because she packed a light bag) is very poor parenting. Surely the aim should be to raise a functional adult?

The poor girl is going on a D of E weekend with a bunch of girls she doesn’t know. If she’s happy to say nah, then great, if it’s worrying her - knowing what teens are like - then teaching her the art of the white lie is the most useful thing to do. Easier to make up a sore shoulder than faff about with hiding water though, that is crazy

andtheworldrollson · 10/05/2025 08:08

when we backpack we carry in proportion to your weight - so dh always has a heavier pack with us sharing tent and food accordingly

( no I do not try to fatten him up and lose a little weight myself before by moving things to his plate on the sly )

we also agree what is taken and what isn’t - any “extras” like make up would not be in the weight allowance

u would be minded to say “ hapoy to share any lighter resources- in line with body weight (as per normal mountaineering recommendations) - as it’s not fair on people with no money to have to have heavier stuff but I will not carry anything that is excess and all excess should be excluded from weight sharing as those with excess baggage should suffer the penalty

Chaseandstatus · 10/05/2025 08:09

It’s her DofE not yours. Let her figure it out and don’t helicopter into the arrangements.

When my son did Gold he actually carried two bags at once and pushed his struggling friend uphill. He’s very fit so he could do that more easily and it helped the group. However he is shit at logging his activities so he never got the award itself. Meanwhile all over Facebook is his friend & their mum at Buckingham Palace collecting his. Life is more about the journey than the destination sometimes!

user1471538283 · 10/05/2025 08:10

If it's shared stuff she could take a turn if she's able. But she isn't to lug another girl's make up etc. She could really hurt her back. When my DS did it he and the boys carried a lot of the shared stuff because they were stronger and it didn't matter to them. He was still done in at the end of it. But there is no way I'd allow my DSD to lug someone else's bag to make it fairer. The whole point is to understand if you pack it you carry it.

She could maybe team up with other girls who don't expect this.