MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

Definitely time to say something. It would come better from DH.

I bf’ed my babies to 2.5 years, because it was right for us. By the end of the journey I was ready to be done. No one but you and your baby matter here. Also, the WHO recommends BFing to 2 years old and beyond and I don’t believe the NHS recommends a stop date. So you BF however long you want, and ignore unhelpful comments by someone no longer in touch with being a mum to hound children.

When my MIL found out I was going to try to breastfeed her reaction was so over the top. It was a loud “oooohh noooo” then realised what she said as she was then all “but what if you need a rest no one else will be able to feed the baby?”

She went out and bought bottles and kept a steriliser (that was gifted from a cousin) for “just incase”. I told she had wasted her money because we were going to buy some bottles so I could express for my husband to feed her but we weren’t using the ones she bought. She was going to buy a next to me crib for her house. And when I asked why she just stuttered. I honestly think she was expecting weekly sleep overs from a very young age.

She hasn’t had the Gaul to say anything to my face about breastfeeding. My daughter is now 2 and a half and we are breastfeeding. I do occasionally nurse her in public but I try not to now. I’m happy to at family and friends houses though.

The WHO recommends to breastfeeding for 2 years and beyond. It’s only because formula manufacturers heavily pushed their products and so did the hospitals that it became so unpopular to breastfeed.

I know it’s hard but I’d think about something to say back to her and shut her down otherwise she will carry on and it will really grind on you.

If she says anything about feeding in public ask her if she thinks other people eating in public is gross? And respond saying well why is something that is natural so wrong? Breasts are made for feeding young.

If she brings up the bottles again just ask her why it bothers her so much how your baby feeds? Why is it such a big deal as long as your baby is being fed?

Every baby is different. I introduced a bottle after 2 weeks. I expressed just a couple of ounce so I could have half an hour in the bath and my husband fed her. I had read posts from other mums that had said they waited the 6 weeks and struggled so I thought I’d try earlier but once my milk was definitely in good. But, it could have caused confusion for some babies so not necessarily the right thing to do.

At the end of the day this is your baby not hers. If she still continues to offer unsolicited advice your husband needs to tell her to keep her opinions to herself unless she is asked.

It sounds like she’s not very self aware that she is living the interfering mother-in-law stereotype.

Most women would be embarrassed to be seen that way, but she either hasn’t realised or doesn’t care.

One suggestion if you want to resolve and work on relationship is ask her about her experience having babies, and how she got on with her own MIL. Might prompt some self reflection, or at very least give you an avenue to talk about the space that you need and expect from her.

Does she ask to see you and your baby? I'd say " yes you can pop in if you keep your opinions to yourself". She sounds a nightmare. This is your baby, not hers, she can put the forthcoming DGC in the cot, and leave you in peace. For what it's worth you are giving your baby the best nutrition available, you're doing great. I EBF my two until
seven and eight months respectively, neither of them ever had a bottle, ever. Get your DH on board in telling her to wind her neck in.

None of my kids had bottles. They went from me straight onto a cup which was introduced when we started to wean. Carried on breastfeeding alongside weaning.

Which generation are you referring to? I am 65 so probably of an age with OP's MIL. I breast fed both of mine until well over a year, as did all my friends and family members wth their babies. It was totally encouraged and supported to breast feed by midwives when I had mine 40 yrs ago. In fact I was quite seriously ill after my second child was born and my mid wife and GP couldn;t have been more kind and supportive helping me to carry on breast feeding even though I was too ill to be out of bed.

So yet again casual ageism strikes again on Mnet. Like anyone not of the same generation is some kind of idiot who had no idea how to care for thier baby. It's bloody insulting and totally inaccurate.

I pressed you are being unreasonable. Why are you hanging out with her? She sounds judgmental and unsupportive. If she asks you any questions or makes comments about others breast feeding? Tell her straight 'I don't want to discuss this, it's none of your business'

Try and makes some new mum friends and hang out with them

Looking for the best in people.... maybe she had a difficult, unsupported breast feeding journey or didn't even think about breastfeeding and subconsciously wants you to do the same to validate her choices... I see similar dynamics about women who work / don't work or have only children/ two children / more children...

I see it in some things my mother, my sister and my mother in law say.. . I try to let it all go.. and hope that I remember this when I speak to other women.. and especially in the future if any of my children every have their own children.. I am not perfect... nor is anyone else.

If you think that is ageism you should have seen what @myheadsjustmush said:

your MIL sounds like an interfering old bat!

I'd also seriously consider not leaving the baby with her at all anytime soon anyway. That is going in the wrong direction, with someone who is already acting like it's her child instead of yours.

This

My late MIL was weird about breastfeeding (despite breastfeeding her own children). She seemed to think it was tantamount to exposing yourself for some weird reason and that women who breastfeed should be shut away.

I ignored her, just got on with it wherever and put it down to another of her weird foibles 😂

“The world health organisation recommends breastfeeding babies up to two years.” Repeat.

”You actually have a legal right to breastfeed in public in the UK.”

I wouldn’t be spending so much time with her to be honest. My MIL would never be that intrusive.

Each to their own but breastfeeding is so much easier and convenient if it’s working for you. Keep doing what YOU want to do and what’s working for you and your baby. It’s got fuck all to do with anyone else.
The breastfeeding network has a lot of information available online, and a free 24 hour helpline if you ever wish to discuss any concerns. The can also signpost you towards local services and baby groups with helpers available to offer advice x

I think it’s a class divide rather than an age divide, generally.

It’s true that plenty of people in this MIL’s generation breastfed. I’m over 65. I EBF two children for 4 months (that was the advice at the time) and 6 months (the advice had changed) respectively. I carried on breastfeeding till they were both over a year. Most of my friends and my sister breastfed. The benefits of breastfeeding were well known at this time.

In 2020-2021 only around half of 6-8 week olds were breastfed (according to health visitors’ reports). That’s a higher rate than 30 years earlier, but still means half of mothers weren’t breastfeeding.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/breastfeeding-at-6-to-8-weeks-comparison-of-nhs-england-and-ohid-data/breastfeeding-at-6-to-8-weeks-a-comparison-of-methods

I think this is mainly not a generational difference.

^ That looked all right when I wrote it… not sure what happened.

It would be politely telling her to mind her own business and that you are following the up to date advise available and are happy with how things are.
I BF our third despite me not being able to with his older siblings (I just couldn’t get to grips with it all and gave up) and am so glad I managed to.
Your MIL would have hated me because I fed him up until he was 2 years old, and often in public (although never had a boob completely out).
Please don’t let her spoil your BF journey, bottle refusal is a thing, I brought our third home using a bottle for expressed milk as we hadn’t quite managed to latch him properly, by the time he was 12 weeks he was solely BF, when my DH tried to give him a bottle at 5 months as I was away he totally refused, we tried all sorts of bottles when we realised he was refusing and none of them worked so he went straight to a sippy cup.
Your MIL sounds like a pain in the neck and would be getting your husband to have a firm word.

She’s being horrid and really overstepping the mark here. The nursery comments are not ok at all! I say this as someone who formula fed both mine, how you feed your baby is YOUR DECISION. She is being very rude and selfish. Breastfeeding is completely natural. Is she jealous as she couldn’t BF her own? I envy mums who successfully Bf but with pride and think it’s amazing vs her being so rude about it.

And a cultural divide. Some communities are very anti-breastfeeding.

One of my proudest moments was when MIL offered me to sit on a chair upstairs to breastfeed during a party.

I said that anyone who was uncomfortable with me doing it was welcome to the chair themselves.

I didn't even want to go to the fucking party, but I wasn't sitting out once I'd dragged myself over because some of her other guests had hurty feelings about it.

She's trying to guilt and shame you into doing things her way and for her benefit. Your priority should be your baby's wellbeing and your own comfort as a new mum.

If she comments on another woman, tell her you think it's fantastic that she's confident enough not to cover up. If she complains about how you did/do things, don't try and appease her or explain yourself, just confidently say everyone is different and you are happy with your own decisions. Don't invite discussion. If she won't take a hint, calmly tell her that whatever decision she disagrees with isn't up for debate, you've already decided how you will handle X Y or Z .

You don't need to be argumentative, just appear completely sure of your own role as your child's mum and confidant in yourself.

My MIL was similar with my first child and the only thing that stopped her was calmly and politely making it clear that she had no say in how I parented my child (and honestly, some of her advice was batshit crazy). She could be a lovely granny, but decisions on feeding, sleeping, and safety were nothing to do with her.

She's 'triangulating'. She has her opinion and she can't accept that you have a different one. She's using someone else (possibly lying) to strengthen her case. It's bad enough but it usually wrecks all the relationships within the family. It's something that narcissists/emotionally immature people do all the time and it is very confusing because it's often about something inconsequential.

Tell your DH to tell her to stop. Your baby is yours and your DHs and you will feed as you see fit. As long as you and the baby are well.

I breastfed my DS for 6 months with the odd bottle here and there and he thrived. Some mothers feed longer, end sooner or only bottle feed. It doesn't matter as fed is best.

This sounds so stressful and she needs to stop.