MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

I’d breastfeed yo natural term just to piss her off. I had similar with my MiL but thankfully I had no qualms to putting her in her place. Your boobs, your baby, your choice.

Maybe I'm weird, but I literally couldn't give any kind of shit what anyone thinks about me breastfeeding my child. Ignore and carry on as you are 🙂

Reading this as I breastfeed my almost 8 month old. She is absolutely being unreasonable. I have no clue how a lot of women of an older generation can criticise the most natural thing in the world just because it’s inconvenient for them. No hate to anyone who chooses/can’t not breastfeed - I was in the can’t category with my first.
If you’re not comfortable opposing her shitty opinions then your DH needs to have a word. NHS guidance is breastmilk for the first six months and up to two years alongside solids. I’d just show her this and be firm that it’s your choice how you feed your child and that she’ll have plenty of years ahead to babysit, these few months won’t kill her!

Do what’s right for you, don’t feel pressured by others. I didn’t breastfeed my children, they took to the bottle and thrived. I can’t abide being told by others what I should or shouldn’t do…just for the record, both my kids are healthy, barely get a cold and are sporty, strong and robust…so I doubt they missed out on much without being breastfed but at the time, I was pretty much told I’d condemned them to a life of immune issues
and sickness the way people went on at me! Do what feels right for you and sod what they all think..

No don’t say that lol

The NHS website says that after 6 months,

’giving your baby breast milk alongside solid foods for as long as you and your baby want will help them grow and develop healthily.

‘Breast milk adapts as your baby grows to meet your baby's changing needs.’

www.nhs.uk/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding/benefits/

I doubt your MIL has looked that up, somehow. Maybe your DH could send her a link.

Exclusively breastfed my DC until they were around 2.5. If my MIL had made comments like yours I would have told her to mind her own business. I find it so weird that other people have such an opinion on what your breasts are up to! In fact I would ask her why she is so interested/invested in my tits!

YANBU, be calm tell her politely and firmly that you do not wish to have any more conversations with her related to bottlefeeding/breastfeeding. You carry on feeding your baby for as long as you want. My boy is nearly 3 years and still breastfeeding. He refused bottle. Obviously he has had solid food since 6months but he still has breastfeed in addition to this, mainly first thing morning and last thing before bed. Both my boys (older one5) have never stayed overnight without me/dad. It’s not a grandparent right to get to bottle feed baby or to get baby to stay overnight with them. They can form just a good a bond without these two things. So sorry for you OP but stand your ground, be polite but firm, and I hope your partner supports you.

Lots of opinions on here about BF all I can say is opinions are like A holes everyone’s got one !

you do you , it’s your child and you parent your child how you see fit not because you MIL or Mrs David who’s had 4 children 2 doors up knows best but because this is your child !

dont ignore her comments , next time i think we need to discuss the BF situation , don’t ask her a question go in with …. You’ve made a lot of comments since DC was born and I just feel that you need to keep your opinions to yourself as there’s no need for them , I am doing what is right for my child and that’s all that matters and I really would hate to fall out over this with you as that would be very sad “ once you’ve done that if she carries on she’s then totally disrespecting you and your parenting of your child and as far as I’m concerned anyone who disrespects me as the mother of their GC then I don’t have time for them it’s as easy as that .

I have stopped contact with my MIL and her side of the family due to the Constant nastyness , gaslighting , and the list goes on just pure toxicness , they still see him if partner goes over there with him ( maybe once every 2-3 weeks ) they’ve never made effort to come here because “ we don’t do visits “ now “ I don’t do visits “ what’s good for them
is good for me , btw this is how this situation all started when DC was born and constant over opinionated comments and so on until one day I think u woke up smelt the coffee and thought nope not anymore , I feel a lot better without having to try and cope with their nastyness toward me xx

You’re right and she is wrong. You’re doing the best thing for your baby and she needs to butt out.

Please don’t let her pressure you into doing what she wants so she gets sleepovers it whatever with your baby. She’s had her time with her own kids.

I breast fed all of my kids. One until she was nearly 3. Everyone has an opinion, usually based on their own insecurities around the subject but you need to try and zone it out.

World health organization recommends until age 2 (min). I couldn’t make it past 20 months with mine but your MIL is nuts. And pumping isn’t fun.

She’s trying to overstep with baby. Hold firm

Also, I found the pressure to give bottles was NOT coming from people trying to truly help. Those people just wanted the nice experience of giving a bottle while I would run around making them coffees and lunch. I get it but don't lie to my face and say you're doing it for MY benefit.

My MIL was the same.
She couldn’t stand breastfeeding.
She caused very bad ill feeling and was very nasty, when at the end of the day it was absolutely nothing to do with her.
Weird. A truly awful time that had repercussions on me for years.

She sounds like a meddling pain in the backside.

Her opinion here is of zero importance and you would do well to tell her that (or better still, get DH to tell her).

What she thinks you should do, or her opinion of what others might choose to do, doesn’t matter one bit.

You do you xx

My MIL was the same but she stressed me out so much my milk never came in. I fully blame her for the pressure and strain she put me under (I spent most of my pregnancy having panic attacks whenever I thought about her it was that bad!) when I was pregnant. Awful bloody woman.

Thankfully I no longer see her.

Keep calm and carry on breastfeeding, especially in front of her

As a side note IF you do want baby to take a bottle, your DH might have to be the one to give a bottle while you (and your breasts) hide in another room.

Just tell her to STOP talking about it! you can't go back in time and introduce a bottle on day 4 now can you. and say you are happy breastfeeding and you aren't bothered about introducing a bottle now anyway and don't wish to talk about it anymore.

I never introduced a bottle at all. Breastfed my son for ages and went straight to weaning with solids and a cup. If people don't want to do it, that's fine, not everyone does or can, but I was lucky that I was freelance, had plenty of milk, and just could not be bothered with bottles when I had milk on tap. Was also living in Spain where husband was working for the first few months of son's life. Nobody ever told me I had to introduce a bottle and I wouldn't have believed them if they had. Stand up for yourself and tell her (politely) to back off!

I'm 64 and don't believe this is generational. It's ignorational.

All you need to say is "I appreciate your views but the research is clear that breast is best for at least the first six months. It is not necessary to give a baby a bottle at all." The baby doesn't want a bottle and I'm happy breastfeeding. There is also nothing unacceptable about breastfeeding in public or elsewhere. I expect my views and practice to be respected please.

And rinse and repeat.

Next time she pops over - answer the door with a tit out. She will soon fuck off.

My mother was like this but she didn’t bf. She liked to give the impression she was the greatest mother so minimised abythinh I did.

Id be blunt with your mil - she’s rude.

I breast and bottle fed my eldest till he was 1. My middle child was bf until 2 because she refused a bottle and a dummy. I am currently still feeding my youngest who is 22 months old and also refused bottles and dummies. You do what you want to do and tell your MIL to mind her own business and keep her opinions to herself. Or better that, get your DH to tell her to wind her neck in

YANBU. MIL sticks her nose in too much and doesn't know what she's talking about. She wants to run your home as well as her own --- and it's just begun.

One way of handling her is to "grey rock" her on sensitive topics, once you find out she's trying to judge or involve herself in a parenting decision. As much as possible, don't engage or share info. with her about it.

Instead, just say "We haven't decided that yet" or "We'll see," then change the subject. If she persists on giving unsolicited advice or asking pushy, judgy questions, you keep repeating the vague, non-answers, in a calm, bored tone and get away from her if possible. If it's on the phone, say you have to go, if it's by text, stop answering. If it's in person, turn and talk to someone else or go to the restroom to break up the "session." Or just don't answer her about it at all. You could also give a neutral response like, "Oh." Or "Hmm."

Grey rocking is a great thing to learn to master anyway because it serves you well throughout life with all sorts of pushy people and topics, yet it's non- confrontational.

With the breastfeeding itself, you could just not do it in front of her, if it's easier and you don't want to deal with her obnoxious responses.

Or there is the direct route, correcting her on her ignorant and unrequested opinions or telling her that her advice is very incorrect and it's not her decision anyway.

A third way is to agree with your husband that you are each to handle your own direct relatives. Then he would be the one to have a talk with her about how her personal opinions about breastfeeding are outmoded and harmful and that she needs to respect boundaries anyway, that you are the parents and you call the shots. This method limits "outsiders" ability to cause trouble between you and your husband, helps you two get better at sticking together against outsiders and also keeps it neater. My husband and I had to learn this the hard way, years ago and it made our lives much nicer!

Good luck with it.

The only reason you are being unreasonable is because you are not telling her to shut up, mind her own business and butt out. Grow a backbone and tell her to fuck of. And stop going out with her as she seems to stick her oar into everything. Just because she is your mil she doesn't have to be your friend.

@myheadsjustmush

I don't agree with the MIL but this is ageism and is using such horrible terminology necessary? It is misogyny.

The DH is ignored like he does not even exist. It is HIS mother. HIS role to intervene. He does not get called any names.