MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

Breastfeeding my twins was hard won. I only really got going at week 5/6. I combi fed, eventually, and felt fortunate bottle feeding hadn't scuppered their immature latch - as it does to so many. We got there in the nick of time.

I was that woman in the cafe. I got some looks. Especially feeding twins - imagine how much it isn't possible to cover with two babies 🤣. But those people could go suck a fuck. I got some lovely comments. I heard wistful regrets from people whose families drove them to bottle feed sooner than they wanted. Relatives obsessed with what they do with their tits.

How you feed your baby is primarily your choice, tempered by consideration for medical need - milk supply, infant's allergies, need to gain weight etc. It is not up to the opinion of your MIL.

I say this with my norks out on the sofa, feeding my toddlers. This often happens when we're out too. Tell me where this cafe is. Myself and my nips are on their way!

P.S. Her other daughter in law will be doing everything wrong too... If not pre-weaning feeding, then weaning, sleep training or lack thereof, discipline or lack of, or clothing etc. Nip this all in the bud now..

Please please find your inner strength and tell your MIL to shove her opinions where the sun doesn't shine.

I'm three babies in.
1st baby I felt the pressure to cave to stupid opinions like this and gave up breastfeeding at 6 weeks and I always regret it.
2nd baby, breastfed until 22 months and only stopped because my dad suddenly passed away and I was a mess.
3rd baby, breastfed until 2 years.
Both 2nd and 3rd babies completely refused the bottle, tried different kinds and just point blank refused.

Long story short, why make your life harder with bottles if you don't need to or want to. This is your child, feed how you like. End of!

And the second you do stop breastfeeding, she’ll be demanding she takes the baby one overnight a week. I’d be keeping my distance from her.

Tell her to F off and cut contact. You’ve got enough stress with a new baby, no need for anyone to comment on how you feed your child.
I was pressured (by my husband no less) to stop breastfeeding at 2 months old, and I regret it to this day.

She wants you to stop so she can get your baby overnight. That's it. Why do so many women seem to go nuts when DD or DIL have a baby?

I'd be saying

I won't be discussing our choice of how we feed our baby except with our midwife, health visitor, doctor etc.

And other women's choices are nobody else's business but their own.

I voted YABU purely because you've said you now won't breastfeed in front of her. How dare she?? She has stuck her nose in, commented and put you down with her sly digs, completely disrespected your parenting choices and I wouldn't be standing for this at all!!

I'd be telling her very firmly that she is being disrespectful and rude, and that any more comments about your decision to breastfeed and you'll not be seeing her again (and stipulate it's due to the comments, and they must stop before you'll see her).

You and your baby come first. Do NOT let her dictate how you feed your child in front of her!

Your MIL is behaving appallingly. Just ignore her! And many babies won’t accept a bottle. It’s not your fault,

What I never understand about these threads is how the DH is silent in it all. He is not even mentioned. It is like all this happens without him.

You have a DH problem.

”All babies are different - I will always do what is in the best interest of my baby, following current medical advice. I’d rather not discuss breast/bottle feeding again”.

Repeat repeat repeat.

I had this with my mother: she went on and an about breastfeeding. Even asked me if my milk had been checked for its nutritional value when I was still in hospital.

My daughter also rejected bottles. I exclusively breastfed until she was 6 months and then she breastfed alongside food until she naturally weaned at four:

By the time she was 4 she wasn't feeding like a newborn but starting her day with a snack.

Do works for you keep at it. She might be of the generation like my mum who were sold formula feeding as a scientific miracle. It is but really it's for those who can't feed.

Blimey, your MIL sounds like an interfering old bat!

Tell your MIL it is your baby and your decision on how you feed and how long for. Not your MIL's. Please don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do.

I BF all three of mine, both at home, and in public. There is absolutely no shame in doing this.

I hope your DH is standing up to her and has your corner too.

She needs to back off and keep her snippy and outdated opinions to herself.

Ignore her. Keep feeding him. It’s such a special time. Why hurry it.

Just be upfront: formula has risks. People dance around this far too much. It increases a baby's chances of SIDS, autism, coeliac, and God knows what else. She's trying to sabotage her own grandchild's health.

You need to get your DH to tell her very firmly that how you feed your baby is your business, she no doubt made her own choices and now it’s your turn. I had a similar situation with my MIL with my first baby, she kept insisting ‘you should put a rusk in the baby’s bottle, that’s what I did’, even though I told her a million times he was exclusively breast fed!

She needs to stop! It’s not even out of concern for your baby; it’s clearly because she wants to have your baby for big chunks of time. I breastfed my first for one year, second until 3.25 and youngest until about 5! No right time or wrong time and mum knows best (as in you, not mil, obviously). I’d very curtly tell it it’s your choice and probably look to wind her up “your comment about reading online made me look online and I’m now an ambassador for for the extended breast feeding club, hoping to break their current record of… insert your own number 😂”. Seriously though, she needs to butt out. I’d be clear on that now or else she’ll keep the pushing the boundaries and trying to exert control
over too it decisions as your child grows up. I’ve experienced similar…

either ignore her completely or tell her directly that you do not appreciate the comments about feeding and she can please keep her opinions to herself.

I fed until nearly 3 and my response to any comments was I’m following the WHO best practice/gold standard guidelines to feed until at least two - did you know it reduces my risk of getting breast cancer or did you know it reduces baby’s risk of getting diabetes/cancer/insert other fact that’s impossible to argue with.

Oh gosh why would I spend £1500 until baby is 1 years old, when I can to it for free. Seems crazy to me, especially as medical advice is also to BF if you can.

You going to give me the 2k to stop? No? Well I'll guess I'll keep my nutritional free option.

(I know it's not about the money but might just shock her?)

Hi @Sprinklesjelly it sounds like your MIL thinks she needs control over you and her DS. She’s found that breastfeeding is a way she can do that and while you’re finding your new parent feet, she’s getting right in there with her nasty opinions and comments.

From what she’s saying, it’s sadly clear she is being selfish and just wants the baby to be round at her’s at every given opportunity and until you give up feeding him yourself, that plan she cannot put into action!

Whilst it’s tricky, you need to stand up for yourself and your baby assertively tell her that he’s your baby and you know what’s best for him and you’d rather when she visits, she doesn’t comment to you about your way of feeding or anyone else’s.

Lots of babies find taking a bottle tricky - it’s not unusual at all.
If you feel more confident fully breastfeeding from you and not bottles, just go with that.
Dont give 2 hoots what she thinks or says.
If DH is washy washy about it, tell him the same thing.

Smile and do as you like.
Please set in boundaries as advised above or she will continue sticking her oar in regarding everything else.

Obviously breast is best and you’re not just giving your baby food but antibodies and helping him build better defences. The analogy of comparing the nutrition of a diet of tinned/junk food rather than a home cooked well balanced meal could be used. But I suspect it’s breast exposure she is actually afraid of or against, and thinks women should hide away rather than feed publicly which is unfortunately a generational thing. Just carry on as you wish and ignore her, not her decision. As long as you’re comfortable, and well keep going as long as you wish and do it your way

Please please please stop caring what she says. Get that boob out when she’s there and do what is totally normal and natural. No one gets to dictate how you feed your baby. Alternatively, do what I did. Take the baby to another room and breast feed in private. Gives you a break from the judgement and you can enjoy that bonding time.

My experience of this type of thing is that your MIL is being entirely selfish. As soon as your baby is bottle only, she’ll start saying you’ve no reason to be there and can she have the baby by herself. She’s not thinking about what’s best for your baby (which you know because you’re following nhs advice re introducing a bottle) and she’s not thinking about what’s best for you (which I assume is breast/bottle feeding in some combination at the moment). My son refused the bottle and, to be honest, my heart wasn’t really in bottle feeding, so I just kept exclusively breast feeding. For me, it was the easier option and way less washing up. You must think about what’s best/easier for you and stick with that.

You literally grew that baby, you are the mum. You and your partner make the decisions. It’s okay for your MIL to have her opinion but she’s can keep that to herself. She’s had her baby/babies. Now it’s your turn to choose how things are done.

It's so depressing how anti breastfeeding some people are, especially that generation. Even my mother who breastfed three children thought I should be stopping by one and was funny about doing it in public. No wonder so many women stop before they want to when the general climate can be so hostile.

If you find it easy, which I thankfully have, breastfeeding is so convenient and beneficial. It's literally what breasts are for!

Had the same from my MIL - mainly because they know that if you’re BF, they can’t force you to leave the baby with them. Keep going. Long live the boob.

Where is your DH in all this? He should be telling his stupid mother to shut the fuck up.

I wapped my breast out in Ikea then forgot to put it back. I only realised when the man across the way looked at me open-mouthed!

My mother used to ask when I was stopping bfing. I said 'next week' every week for a year and a half. I highly recommend this approach.