To just not really have my kids ‘ under control ‘ a lot of the time.. 3 and 5 years old

[jomek]

I don’t really know how to describe it in detail. I will try.

I just don’t know if it’s normal, or if I’m just not very good at being a mum.

But I just feel like my kids are often just NOT LISTENING to me at all.

the simplest things, become a massive thing.

like when I pick them up form school. They’re always running off, rolling around on the grass and just generally not listening. God forbid I try to have a conversation with a teacher or something, they just constantly run off. I am often left chasing after them.

it’s so embarrassing.

at home it’s similar with all sorts of stuff. The only way they ever listen is if I really shout. I hate to do it and they get upset. But they’re just running rings around me constantly. I try to get them to bed and they spend a good 10 minutes just racing around/ chasing each other laughing / running away from me.

I can’t take them anywhere by myself really as I just don’t trust them not to just wonder off. I take them to the shop after school sometimes and it’s like herding sheep. It’s all quite stressful. I just wish they’d listen.

am I expecting to much?

Put some sort of punishment/incentive in place so they do listen?

Mine are usually cooperative if I dangle something in front of them, metaphorically.

Wander off - not wonder off 🤦🏻‍♀️

I sympathise OP, I could have written this! Punishments don't work for mine or when they do they create bad feeling which is just shit. Id be interested to hear what kind of incentives you recommend though @PurpleChrayn?

I think when things have gone this far, you can't take a relaxed attitude to parenting. Every minute has to be scheduled, including time where there is unscheduled "free time" where things like chasing and rolling around are allowed.

Hands held at all times. No wandering off ever. No food or drink without asking. No playing with toys without asking. They ask to leave the table. They eat meals sat down and dont move until theyve eaten an appropriate amount.Nothing without explicit permission.

They have missed their window for learning appropriate discipline and self control, and now you need to try and scrape that back.

And no, this isn't how I do things with my kids, but I laid down the groundwork. This is how I'd do things with a child who has unfortunately missed out on that kind of beginning.

Yes, this is DS to a point. My younger child is a lot more naturally sort of compliant and I find a lot of the strategies I read about actually work with her. DS is a lot more tricky to handle a lot of the time: he becomes belligerent and argumentative if you attempt to punish but attempts to talk it through don’t work either. It’s so tricky.

Mine are similar ages and exactly the same. I sometimes resort to bribery to get them to get into the car and sit in their seats after nursery instead of running off. Bribe them with an ice lolly or something. Then there’s the refusing to get out of the car and into the house. It’s tedious.

Ah thanks @littlesnatchabookI often see other kids that just seem pretty chilled. Sometimes I see kids also giving their parents a hard time. My kids are just really lively, loud and outgoing. They want to talk to everyone and make friends with everyone. Whereas the shyer children ( generalising of course ) seem to listen more to their parents and just seem more chilled. Again I know that’s very general but it’s something I’ve noticed.

mine are just loud and in your face.

Mine were a bit of a handful too op, but both are ND, so that sort of explains it now in hindsight.

I do think people who mutter about "getting those kids under control harrumph" either had children a long time ago and can't remember how hard it is, never had children or had very easy children.

Re wandering off, we had some success with those little wrist tie things where you put one on their wrist and one on yours. Might work for the 3yo unless you're very against them

I do that too. It works but it’s annoying.

omg I completely left out that they also refuse to get out of the car. Getting them from the car into the house is another headache. My little one is obsessed with cars.

Positive reinforcement. Less talking. Set expectations, firm hand holding and stern face if they’re pissing about. Don’t respond verbally to the bad behaviour if possible but let them know you’re not happy by physically holding on to them so they walk properly. Surf board with poker face if they’re really kicking off. Praise and smiles for good behaviour.

I have no idea if mine could be ND. Nothing has come up yet. But I’m aware that a lot of the time, it becomes clearer the older they get.

i have one of those wrist things, maybe i should use it more. I only used it once at the airport.

tonight my 5 year old said I’m ’hurting Her feelings’ because I shouted. That really got to me. I always always always apologise to them when I shout. I explain why it happens and that I hate shouting. My DD was saying how she just finds it so hard to listen because she likes to do what she wants to do.

Absolutely no advice for you , sorry. My kids are 1.5 and 3 and neither ever behave for me. My 3 year old runs off and refuses to do as he’s asked for me absolutely everything is a battle. 1.5 year old is to little to be “naughty” as such but tantrums and slaps most of the time. Worst of it is…. Both absolute angels for everyone else

Yup, mine were the same, it's their age

They do improve, I promise

I was in a cafe last week and there was a woman next to me with a child that looked around 2 years old. That child sat on the seat, colouring, for about half an hour.

No way in this world would either of my kids have done that

I think we centre kids too much these days. I have a work friend who let's her daughter aged 3 just completely dominate the room. Everyone has to be looking at her or focusing on her or she gets louder and more distracting until you do. I know my friend thinks it's important that kids have a voice and get to share their thoughts and things like that, but now, nobody else is allowed to have a moment and she's only 3!

It's like these modern parenting ideas have gone too far, and now we are encouraging kids to be selfish and domineering because they've been told that they always have a space in the limelight. When they are forced to rightly share that space, they then feel rejected and slighted by it.

It's not cute or clever or funny when your child is like that. It doesn't signify strength of character, it signifies that the parents haven't instilled key social skills.

. I always always always apologise to them when I shout.

Don't apologise. Tell her if she behaved you won't need to shout at her.
It's okay for children to fear consequences.

My kids did this when they were this age. They would never do it to their dad and when I told him, he said to me, 'You're their mother-you're the boss. Dont let them!'. And I did realise that, no I wouldn't actually accept them messing around and running and being silly. They got a firm talking to before each outing and and I told them that we wouldn't get whatever x treat was if they didn't stay near me quietly when I was doing xyz.

At first they didn't listen and when we got home they didn't get the treat or whatever the thing was they wanted and I was just very consistent. I'm a teacher myself and I hear parents really pleading with their kids and not being clear or nipping in it the bud (I myself had been letting it slide until my husband kind of woke me up). I think a lot of parents don't have the confidence to assert themselves as firmly as they need to with their children. I can see how it happens but when unchecked, it leads to a very slippery slope, very quickly.

I’m a teacher as well. I have no issue being assertive but when DS is in full not listening mode it’s very, very hard to reach him.

Thankfully he isn’t too bad as a rule but I do find the absolute blanking of what I’m saying absolutely infuriating.

This sounds like my boys when they were that age. I think you need to pick your battles, appreciate they are lively energetic fun kids rather than sitting glued to a screen and have a Special Voice for when you really need them to listen and that you don't use too often so it loses its power. Otherwise life is a bit hurly burly at that age and maybe try and nip in the bud the worst behaviours that will really drive you mad as they get older and not be too fussy about the rest?

Further thoughts re the apologising... they're very young. They need you to be a leader, they need to have confidence in you and your judgement and believe you're infallible. Otherwise the world is a scary place.
Apologising undermines that.

. My DD was saying how she just finds it so hard to listen because she likes to do what she wants to do.

Bah, ha ha. That made me smile.

My 2 boys are a little younger but similar. The older one especially - the 2 year old will listen and obey commands, he’s just very high energy.

My nearly 5 year old though always tends towards disobedience alongside extremely high energy levels. He always seems to make the wrong choices and always appears to be not listening. Punishments and consequences stop the behaviour in the moment but have absolutely no impact in the long run - it’s like he just can’t resist an opportunity to run wild.

Im at a bit of a loss to be honest and I also occasionally shout at him. We talk to him when he is calm and he says he doesn’t like to be in trouble…but it doesn’t seem to register the way to stop getting into trouble is to just bloody behaviour! He has a very healthy diet, minimal screen time, loads of exercise at the weekend and sleeps pretty well so I think our ‘house is in order’, if you will. Following for advice!

Natural consequences. If mine are being too annoying, I lie down on the ground and refuse to move because they've made me so tired with their antics that I need a rest. The embarrassment is normally enough to get them back in line. Turns out sitting on the pavement outside school for half an hour while Mummy has a rest isn't very fun.

This sounds more awful than having kids with a little bit of spirit in them 😏

yeah I’m not sure @MyOliveHelperis right.

I have always set rules and tried to control them, they’ve just always been hard to control.

Have you read 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen'? I use a lot of techniques from that. One thing that strikes me from your description, have you tried competition? Doesn't have to be against each other - I set my DD a timer when she's struggling to focus, and she has to try and beat the timer e.g. to put pyjamas on. No tangible reward, 'winning' is the reward!

Also FYI, I always apologise when I messed up, e.g. by shouting when I've lost my temper. Kids are very aware of hypocrisy, why would they want to apologise if you don't model appropriate apologies and relationship repairs.