To just not really have my kids ‘ under control ‘ a lot of the time.. 3 and 5 years old

[jomek]

I don’t really know how to describe it in detail. I will try.

I just don’t know if it’s normal, or if I’m just not very good at being a mum.

But I just feel like my kids are often just NOT LISTENING to me at all.

the simplest things, become a massive thing.

like when I pick them up form school. They’re always running off, rolling around on the grass and just generally not listening. God forbid I try to have a conversation with a teacher or something, they just constantly run off. I am often left chasing after them.

it’s so embarrassing.

at home it’s similar with all sorts of stuff. The only way they ever listen is if I really shout. I hate to do it and they get upset. But they’re just running rings around me constantly. I try to get them to bed and they spend a good 10 minutes just racing around/ chasing each other laughing / running away from me.

I can’t take them anywhere by myself really as I just don’t trust them not to just wonder off. I take them to the shop after school sometimes and it’s like herding sheep. It’s all quite stressful. I just wish they’d listen.

am I expecting to much?

I'd start with the running off, they have to hold your hand the whole way to the car. If they moan and whine about it then you calmly explain that you can't trust them not to run off so they have to hold your hand so you can keep them safe. Do this consistently for a week or so then sit them down and explain to them that you will trust them to walk nicely next to you and if they don't then they will be holding their hand again for the whole time.

Mine were just like this as that age. My husband wouldn’t take them out on his own!! They were wild and would run round shops running off and laughing….they are 10 and 9 now and are really, really good boys and really well behaved, super polite and well mannered. Behave better than most of their peers in restaurants etc. So please don’t worry too much!! I also think when they are close in age they egg each other on!! Xx

I don't have any advice op, but just to say don't feel bad!

Dd takes over 2 hours to go down!! Every day 🤦‍♀️

She's 6 and autistic, which means she runs off as well

No-one kids are perfect and hopefully no-one making you feel bad, people can be judgy! xx

My ds is like this. DD was in comparison a breeze. She responded well to 'time ins' and all the stuff in the books about talking through behaviour. She'd hate being told off so always in line and she wasn't very physical, much more into books and quiet time.

Then along came ds 😂climbing 40 ft trees aged 16 months, runs and runs everywhere, will not give any eye contact so all the 'how to talk' stuff is useless as you cannot get down to his eye level ever, he has huge tantrums. All that works is racing him and constant engagement so he doesn't get a chance to get more interested in something else.

Mine are 6&7 and can be pretty loopy, get carried away in the house and sometimes I feel that they are both ignoring me … but they don’t run off. I have always been extremely strict on this , and road safety. If they were to run away esp near a road we would go home immediately, they would be very very sternly told off and there would be a punishment.

Of all the things in your op this would be the first thing to focus on,

I do think some kids are just naturally like this, I have 5, three of them would never have run off or anything like this, the other two would run as soon as their feet hit the floor and it took a huge amount of effort to stop them doing it. They were also more likely to throw a wobbler or refuse point blank to do something, it took a lot more time and patience to get them to behave.

Mine were pretty high energy but I don’t remember it being as you describe, that sounds like hard work.

running / wandering off when you are talking to the teacher? My first question is always: does it matter? Are they safe? if they are in a confined space, then just let them wander. If they aren’t, then you postpone the conversation or you hold their hand firmly until you are done.

Distraction works wonders. I used to use distraction for all kind of transitions - house to car, buggy to house, park to going home, getting out of the bath, whatever. For every transition, a 15 minute warning, then a 5 minute warning, then a distraction at the actual moment of change - mostly asking questions and just getting their attention (what are we going to have for tea? Do you think daddy’s home yet? Are you mucky enough to need a bath or just a wash? Will we have time for cartoons before tea? I wonder if granny’s parcel arrived yet?’). Just anything to get them to focus on me and what I’m saying. Biscuits did help 😂 but it was the attention really. It’s harder work than shouting, but also much better for your relationship. Mine are 14 and 17 now: I rarely have to distract them, but we still talk a lot.

I'd really recommend the book "hunt, gather parent". It gives a completely different way of looking at our interactions with our kids and shares several concrete strategies of managing behaviour. The writer has travelled to observe the parent-child relationship in different countries and cultures, trying to piece together the most successful strategies.

To give an example, apparently many cultures use stories to help children remember rules e.g. if you don't brush your teeth then the tooth fairy will get sad and take away all your teeth so that she can care for them properly.

Or if you don't get out of the car then the car monster will think you want to play with it. It will slam the door shut and drive you far away - it will take 3 days before it brings you back home. Imagine missing all your toys and not seeing us for 3 whole days!

Caveat, the writer makes clear that this strategy should be used for kids 3 or older because it's only then that they developmentally know not to take the stories too literally. It's sort of a joke/game that the kids know isn't true but what if...

Also that you shouldn't use stories that involve the kids being taken away for ever or anything traumatising like that.

This is just one strategy, there are others explained clearly in the book and they're all based on observations of parenting around the world. Definitely worth a read.

This is like us, only I had DS first - DD is so easy!

DS isn’t badly behaved but it’s more that if he gets something in his head it’s nearly impossible to dissuade him. An example: the other day he wanted to put sun cream on (inside!?) and I said quite firmly but still nicely no, DS, you’re inside. Carried on and I ended up bloody wrestling the sun cream off him.

I could never get ds to hold my hand. I'd have to grip his wrist really tight otherwise he'd just squirm around and run away. And then I'd get concerned looks as he shouted "let go let go you're hurting me!" I never put pressure on his wrist but he had a 6th sense for understanding what would make me look like a shit parent.

If you have to resort to shouting to get them to listen to you, yes you have lost control and they know it too.

If you want your children to listen to you, you need to

a) stay calm and speak in a firm calm voice. Don't repeat yourself, plead, cajoyle, bribe or negotiate. Say it like you mean it and then follow through. For example, if you say we're getting in the car now and they ignore/run off - don't shout, pick them up one at a time and strap them into the car.

b) be consistent. If you give in/give way sometimes because you're tired/haven't got the energy, they will always push their luck in the hope you'll give in. You have to follow through with making them do what you want them to do, every time. So essentially, pick your battles but make sure you win them. For example, you can't force a child to go to sleep but you can expect them to stay in bed and put them back there if they get up. You can't force them to eat but you can say no snacks/treats if they haven't eaten their dinner etc

It will take time but they will learn, if you are consistent, that when mum says something, she means it. So if they misbehave in the shop, we're going straight home and we won't have any treats. If you can involve them in a task eg can you find me 3 carrots? Help me pick out some apples and put them in this bag, keep them busy and engaged they'll be less likely to misbehave. Likewise walking to and from school - look out for birds, funny shaped clouds, dogs, swishy leaves on the trees - anything that keeps them chatting and walking. Use reins/wrist strap if necessary to keep them safe if they attempt to run off.

I really do get your frustration, but perhaps with some things it's worth just letting the child decide? Sun cream isn't harmful. If he wants to practice putting it on, why not?

We all have to say no so often to our kids for their own health and safety. When they have a quirky idea that isn't dangerous or harmful then maybe take the opportunity to say yes for a change?

Depends what sunscreen you use. If it's £30 a bottle then it's a no!

@Thatsalineallright It isn’t harmful but it’s very expensive, especially DS’s (he has a special one due to eczema.)

Yes this was my objection!

Both of mine were runners and had selective hearing at that age, I used a chart for rewards, it worked occasionally.
They're older.now, they chilled,too bloody chilled sometimes.

.I remember my poor mum who often chased me and my younger sister, 2 year age gap, when there is two, they egg each other on.
Fun memories.

Fair enough. Maybe pick up the cheapest bottle you can find and let him use that for indoors? But I suppose it was probably just a spur of the moment thing for him.

Edited to add: even with the expensive bottle, he'd be using a couple of pounds worth of it max of it was just the once. Surely you've spent that on a treat or toy on occasion?

I think most kids are like this, my eldest was and now he’s grown into a normal teenage boy. It’s just a phase.

That sort of thing does happen with DS @Thatsalineallright ; he will get an idea into his head and it can be difficult to reason him out of it. His dad is the same <sigh>

Clear expectations
Praise/reward the behaviour you want
Firm and immediate consequences and you must follow through every time

What are the consequences of running off currently ?

But none of what @jomek described is remotely "spiteful"?!

Rolling on grass? Running around for Ten Minutes before bedtime? Call the police 🙄

Op I think they're probably high energy, impulsive little kids and likely egging eachother on.

It's actually kind of great the 5 year old is able to be honest and try to articulate what goes on in their head. It's probably true! She probably knows in quiet, in between moments or if asked, how to behave, she maybe even realises after the event, but in THAT moment, running around after her sibling or rolling on the grass after being in school just seems so darn tempting!

How are they in school/nursery? Are they easier one to one?

I said that when people say "a bit of spirit", as the poster who I quoted did, other people woukd use the terms I used to describe them. That was a general comment about people who use comments like that, or "boys will be boys", or "she knows what she likes" etc.

And no to whoever said that, I'm a midwife who is regularly trying to stop "spirited" older children hurting their heavily pregnant mothers or newborn siblings.

Oh, this takes me back! Mine were like this, two boys, same age gap. They didn’t run off exactly, just played together and ran around me all the time instead of doing anything practical / helpful. I had to get stricter the following year when I had a third and needed tighter control of them plus a pram!

You’d have to try telling them clearly what you expect of them later at pick up, set boundaries and stick to them, praise good behaviour etc. Or, let them play as long as they’re not in danger. Mind are 12 and 10 now, good friends most of the time, and save their wrestling and playing for the weekends. It’s a phase.