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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not really have my kids ‘ under control ‘ a lot of the time.. 3 and 5 years old

135 replies

jomek · 08/05/2025 20:03

I don’t really know how to describe it in detail. I will try.

I just don’t know if it’s normal, or if I’m just not very good at being a mum.

But I just feel like my kids are often just NOT LISTENING to me at all.

the simplest things, become a massive thing.

like when I pick them up form school. They’re always running off, rolling around on the grass and just generally not listening. God forbid I try to have a conversation with a teacher or something, they just constantly run off. I am often left chasing after them.

it’s so embarrassing.

at home it’s similar with all sorts of stuff. The only way they ever listen is if I really shout. I hate to do it and they get upset. But they’re just running rings around me constantly. I try to get them to bed and they spend a good 10 minutes just racing around/ chasing each other laughing / running away from me.

I can’t take them anywhere by myself really as I just don’t trust them not to just wonder off. I take them to the shop after school sometimes and it’s like herding sheep. It’s all quite stressful. I just wish they’d listen.

am I expecting to much?

OP posts:
littlesnatchabook · 09/05/2025 20:18

jomek · 08/05/2025 20:12

Ah thanks @littlesnatchabookI often see other kids that just seem pretty chilled. Sometimes I see kids also giving their parents a hard time. My kids are just really lively, loud and outgoing. They want to talk to everyone and make friends with everyone. Whereas the shyer children ( generalising of course ) seem to listen more to their parents and just seem more chilled. Again I know that’s very general but it’s something I’ve noticed.

mine are just loud and in your face.

Ah see mine are what you wouldn't expect - shy and reluctant to speak to others but definitely give me a hard time! But there's always going to be an exception to the rule isn't there 😆

DisappointingAvocado · 09/05/2025 20:27

To the person who said hold their hand and don't let go, even if they're pulling away - do be careful with this - it led to an A&E trip for a pulled elbow for us when DS was 2. (Rather that than squashed by a car of course.)

Sympathies OP, mine are wild too and I do enforce clear boundaries with them and think I lean towards stricter parenting than many of my peers. They are calming down a fair bit now at 5 and 7 and I can take them anywhere. At 3 and 5 I could only take them both out if they were strapped in to something. Trying to wait at a bus stop with them was an absolute disaster - climbing, jumping, running around in circles and completely not listening to me.

CeciliaMars · 10/05/2025 11:53

No you're not expecting too much. Sort it out now - boundaries, rewards, punishments. Else it will only get worse! Don't go down the gentle parenting route...this only works with gentle kids!!

Oceangrey · 10/05/2025 12:02

They sound like my kids. They are just different from others who are calmer. Mine would constantly run off and couldn't sit still. I reckon it's likely they both have ADHD.

Now 10 and 7, their favourite activity is still wrestling or having a tickle fight, but the behaviour has improved a lot.

I used to think the only way to get through to them was shouting, but I would really recommend not shouting - it's teaching them that shouting and displaying anger is normal and acceptable and then your life will get even less calm.

Try and model calm behaviour as much as possible, and be clear on consequences and follow through immediately when they misbehave.

If they are bothering people then that's not ok, but being active and extrovert rather than chilled isn't an issue in itself.

Original poster
jomek · 10/05/2025 12:39

Oceangrey · 10/05/2025 12:02

They sound like my kids. They are just different from others who are calmer. Mine would constantly run off and couldn't sit still. I reckon it's likely they both have ADHD.

Now 10 and 7, their favourite activity is still wrestling or having a tickle fight, but the behaviour has improved a lot.

I used to think the only way to get through to them was shouting, but I would really recommend not shouting - it's teaching them that shouting and displaying anger is normal and acceptable and then your life will get even less calm.

Try and model calm behaviour as much as possible, and be clear on consequences and follow through immediately when they misbehave.

If they are bothering people then that's not ok, but being active and extrovert rather than chilled isn't an issue in itself.

But shouting does happen in life, doesn’t it… I don’t shout a lot but sometimes I do. Teachers also shout, as do parents sometimes ( even at each other ). I don’t live in a world and have never lived in a world where no one ever shouts/ raises their voice.

OP posts:
Oceangrey · 10/05/2025 12:58

jomek · 10/05/2025 12:39

But shouting does happen in life, doesn’t it… I don’t shout a lot but sometimes I do. Teachers also shout, as do parents sometimes ( even at each other ). I don’t live in a world and have never lived in a world where no one ever shouts/ raises their voice.

Show quote history

Oh I shout too! But we used to do it more, and found things gradually improved when we made an effort not to respond with anger to misbehaviour. Obviously never shouting isn't realistic.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 10/05/2025 13:07

Shouting needs to be rationed - saved for when it's really needed.

If it's done too much it loses impact and gets tuned out - but it happens and sometimes it is warrented and very effective.

I spent a lot of their childhoods trying to head off problems and avoid them - now late teens we're starting to get diagnosis of dsypraxia and adhd and looking back think that explains why they weren't easy kids and took more parenting than others - they've grown up well though.

Thatsalineallright · 10/05/2025 16:15

jomek · 10/05/2025 12:39

But shouting does happen in life, doesn’t it… I don’t shout a lot but sometimes I do. Teachers also shout, as do parents sometimes ( even at each other ). I don’t live in a world and have never lived in a world where no one ever shouts/ raises their voice.

Show quote history

The best teachers don't shout. Couples should ideally not shout at each other - I've never shouted at my DH for example ( though we've disagreed/argued plenty of times). Personally, I would prefer to live in a world where no one shouts.

GoodonHamzah · 10/05/2025 17:15

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 09/05/2025 14:36

Everything @NJLX2021 wrote. I had a 5 year old and two two year olds at a comparable stage to you OP, and I prioritised (and still do, a few years on) listening and good behaviour. There is plenty of free time to roll around, be silly and be self-directed, but from day dot if I say we are going / stop doing x / start doing y they listen because there is a clear consequence if they don't. They now know that if I say something I mean it. The other side of that is that if I say something nice/in their interests, they know I mean that too. They can rely on me. There will be screaming and tantrums while you get that in place but better now than when they are 16.

Have you reaped the benefit now a few years on? @JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch
how old are your children now?

PithyTaupeWriter · 27/07/2025 20:13

Darkdiamond · 08/05/2025 20:25

My kids did this when they were this age. They would never do it to their dad and when I told him, he said to me, 'You're their mother-you're the boss. Dont let them!'. And I did realise that, no I wouldn't actually accept them messing around and running and being silly. They got a firm talking to before each outing and and I told them that we wouldn't get whatever x treat was if they didn't stay near me quietly when I was doing xyz.

At first they didn't listen and when we got home they didn't get the treat or whatever the thing was they wanted and I was just very consistent. I'm a teacher myself and I hear parents really pleading with their kids and not being clear or nipping in it the bud (I myself had been letting it slide until my husband kind of woke me up). I think a lot of parents don't have the confidence to assert themselves as firmly as they need to with their children. I can see how it happens but when unchecked, it leads to a very slippery slope, very quickly.

100% agree with this. We have a 6 year old who is mostly well behaved now. When she was younger we’d carry her out of cafes, soft plays etc, if she didn’t do as she was told, and she quickly realised that we mean business and that there are very real consequences. As parents we are both on the same page and she knows fully well that an answer from one of us is as good as an answer from the other. It’s not always easy but kids need to know that parents say what they mean and mean what they say.

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